Ryan Bathgate and I discuss that people tend to project onto the world what we see in the mirror. By making an effort to see ourselves in a better light, by default we can see the world through a more pleasant lens. We project what reflects.
Hello, I'm Chris Horder (aka Chuck LaFLange) the host of the Ashes to Awesome podcast, dedicated to illuminating the stories and challenges of those affected by addiction and related challenges. Through my personal journey, I've managed to surmount the odds, transitioning from a survivor of addiction (one year sober on Oct 21st) and PTSD to an advocate and member of a community that spans several countries, and proudly promotes stopping stigma and using love and inclusion to help both individuals who suffer in addiction and their loved ones.
I am ecstatic and humbled to share that I've been awarded a scholarship for trauma treatment at the Yatra Center in Phuket, Thailand. This incredible opportunity not only provides me with healing tools but also allows me to continue my mission in a setting that supports sustainable living, with a much lower cost of living, making my podcasting and advocacy even more impactful.
My family, ever my pillars of strength, have generously stepped in to cover my airfare.
However, there's a hurdle in this otherwise amazing journey: my current podcasting setup. To ensure I continue providing quality content and stories, I need a laptop robust enough for intensive video processing. A past endeavor saw a previous laptop overwhelmed by the demands, and I'm determined not to let technical constraints deter my mission this time. My current desktop computer is just too big to take with me.
While sponsorships for the podcast have been a blessing, covering most of my expenses, I still occasionally lean on my family for essential needs.
In this new chapter, Yatra Treatment Center graciously covers my first month's living expenses in Thailand. Post that, I'm charting my path, with a heart full of determination but pockets that could use some bolstering.
That's where you come in. I'm reaching out to this amazing community to help me secure the laptop that can keep up with our shared mission and maybe a safety net for those unpredictable moments.
In gratitude, every donation, whether from kind individuals or benevolent organizations, will be acknowledged in my podcast episodes.
This isn't just my calling; it's our collective journey. I've always found ways to push through, but with your support, we can make the path a little smoother. Let's turn ashes into something truly awesome, together.
Thank you for being a part of this story.
https://gofund.me/260036ce
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Ours sponsors, that make spreading the message possible :
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Chuck (00:01.93)
Hello everybody. Welcome to another episode of Kaleidoscope Wednesday on the Ashes to Awesome podcast. I'm your host Chuck LaFlandre and with me, of course, in Virtual Studio is my cohost, Ryan Bathgate. How are you doing today, Ryan?
RBK Kaledoscope (00:12.748)
I'm pretty good, I'm tired. Yeah. Yeah, you know, I, like... Just, like... You know, we get... It's just things. We're fallible. All of us, you know, and so, like... Heh heh heh, they're fallible. What do you know? Welcome to humanity. So, yeah, I mean, I have this issue. It's kind of this neurotic issue that I have that really started about...
Chuck (00:15.395)
Tired.
Chuck (00:25.55)
Oh, I'm smoking on camera again. Look at that, sorry. Jesus.
RBK Kaledoscope (00:42.452)
It started when I started to do deeper trauma processing. And what happens is, I'm not sure, chicken or the egg thing, but I started to sleepwalk and eat in my sleep. Okay? Yeah, yeah. So, I've always had sleep issues, as long as I can remember. Sleeping has not been a friend to me. And so, I take some meds and...
Chuck (00:59.528)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (01:11.756)
So what I find is I take my meds and then I end up coming to, sitting in my chair in the living room with frickin' Oreos in my face at 3.30 in the morning. You know what I mean? And I'm like, how did I get to 230 pounds? Well, you know, yeah. And then so it's like, and then I, so then like, it takes everything. And I'm talking like, like addictive urge, man. Like I got this line in my living room to the kitchen that I cannot cross.
Chuck (01:28.undefined)
Well, yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (01:41.384)
or I'm gonna eat everything in there. You know what I mean? And so what I did was I stopped taking sleep meds, and so like last night I didn't take any because I didn't really want to put a stretch together, not night eating. And when I do that, like last time I did it two weeks of no night eating, I lost 28 pounds, just like that. Boom. Yeah, unbelievable. So and then consequently I've back up to, I'm about 215 I think right now.
Chuck (01:43.338)
Yeah.
Chuck (01:58.536)
Wow.
Chuck (02:05.394)
Now we're not looking for a summer bod again, and here we are.
RBK Kaledoscope (02:08.716)
Yeah, so yeah, going into it, but you know, so anyways, I get about two hours of sleep last night, but I did night eat, but I'm like five in the morning staring at the ceiling, I'm like, you know what? I might as well just go to the gym, you know? And get on with it, so I don't know how sharp I'm gonna be today, but you know, we'll see what happens. Yeah, and so I'll keep you updated on the struggle of night eating, and I'm not sure if it was like the...
Chuck (02:16.146)
Yeah.
Chuck (02:32.811)
Yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (02:35.416)
doing the trauma work kept me up at night, because it really, you know, it's a very impactful process to be witnessed to or to walk with someone through. And so, yeah, it's just like the correlation of doing that work and then all of a sudden gaining a lot of weight, you know, I don't think that's an accident. So I went from like, you know, I started, I was about 165 pounds, and I, last summer I...
Chuck (02:57.858)
Yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (03:03.512)
clocked in at 2.32 or something like that. You know, part of that is metabolism and all that shit, but yeah, the struggle's real, man. The struggle is real.
Chuck (03:06.217)
Yeah.
Chuck (03:10.826)
Yeah, yeah it is, yeah it is, yeah it is. You know, it's funny, as soon as you start talking about trauma, like everything, my body, my psychosomatic starts like instantly, right? And I know I'm about to go, right? And it's, all of a sudden, me going to Thailand and getting to do the work becomes a very real thing, right? And it's, and.
RBK Kaledoscope (03:24.486)
Ah, hey, cha-ching, cha-ching. Ha ha ha.
Chuck (03:38.378)
You mentioned it last night when we were talking about, hey, there's some real work you're gonna do when you're there, and it's like, oh man. And now I'm thinking about that and confronting all these things, and I'm like, holy crap, what things do I need to confront? And I'm just, my brain kinda went into overdrive last night about the whole thing, so.
RBK Kaledoscope (03:54.784)
Well, here's what I'll say to that. You're confronting that every day as it is, just outside of awareness. And it's like, you know, a marionette just kind of controlling. And then, you know, that's kind of how this, like, we're almost wired.
Chuck (04:00.818)
Yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (04:12.612)
to have all these intrinsic defense mechanisms or internal defense mechanisms that lay outside of our awareness and impact our lives and our daily interactions, the way we see ourselves in the mirror, the way we talk to ourselves and have that inner dialogue, everything is impacted. So to bring it into awareness, it's difficult but freeing. And that's why, you know, we experience trauma. It doesn't happen to us, we experience it. And there's a difference because it's perceptual. And then...
Chuck (04:40.036)
Yes. It doesn't happen to us, it happens within us. Right? Yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (04:42.432)
Yes, and you know what, and it doesn't, like when you go open it up, it's not like it gets better. You know, it's just, it's now part of, and the whole idea is integration. You know, it's not like, we don't want to pretend it's not part of us and it fester. It's like, you know, like...
Chuck (04:48.723)
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (05:00.424)
my pinky finger is a part of my body. It's not my entire body, but it's a part of my body. My trauma is part of my life experience. It's not my entire life experience, but it's part of my life experience. And that, it's the ultimate goal. And it's a lot like, I don't know, like DID, for example, where the idea is dissociative identity, just sort of multiple personalities. And so that is where, you know, you're trying to almost bring awareness to the other entities that are within us. So it's about really creating
Chuck (05:08.788)
Absolutely.
Chuck (05:15.65)
So.
Chuck (05:19.848)
Okay, yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (05:32.179)
a comprehensive and aware being, if that makes sense. You know, because like Alan Watts says, everyday ordinary consciousness leaves out more than it takes in. And so if we think about what that means, it means that our consciousness doesn't have capacity to take everything in. There's so much happening. For example,
Chuck (05:37.61)
Yeah, yeah, it does.
Chuck (05:45.767)
All right. Yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (05:56.244)
I don't know, 400 years ago, every human being on this planet thought the Earth was flat. What are we going to look at 400 years from now and look back and go, what a bunch of idiots. You know what I mean? There's so much freedom in that because anything is possible. Anything can happen. I don't know, space travel, the Fountain of Youth. I don't know. But.
Chuck (06:01.266)
Yeah.
Chuck (06:05.966)
hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah
Chuck (06:13.654)
Yeah, yeah, right, right.
Who knows, man, who knows, right? We were just talking before recording, we were talking about AI and the potential that has for, wow, man, right? Oh, it's terrifying, it's SkyNet, man. Every single, and I use it every day for the better part of the day, and I'm no more, I'm no less terrified than when I first started using it, right? So it's not ignorance that breeds, if anything, right? Enlightenment to what AI is like, if anything, it breeds more.
RBK Kaledoscope (06:24.18)
Yeah, dude, yeah, which to me kind of kind of scares me to be honest with you, but.
RBK Kaledoscope (06:34.411)
Yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (06:38.702)
Wow, you're probably more terrified than me. No. Yeah, yeah.
Chuck (06:47.518)
you know, terror, if you will, at what it's capable of, right? So, but the reality in today's society is here, it's not going anywhere, it's evolving. So whatever is going to happen is going to happen. And, you know, I got enough shit I'm dealing with, I'm not going to start worrying about that, too, right? So, you know, right?
RBK Kaledoscope (06:51.648)
Well, you know...
RBK Kaledoscope (07:03.112)
Dude, and that's just it. Like, you know, I don't know, what was it, however million years ago, a meteor crashed into Mexico. And actually you can go there and they do diving into that hole. And that started the Ice Age. So that could happen any second. You know, they say that Mars, they say Mars was hit by a solar flare from the sun.
Chuck (07:22.405)
Right, Jesus Christ.
Chuck (07:29.642)
Yeah. Okay.
RBK Kaledoscope (07:31.044)
I don't know if you know this or not, but Earth is closer to the sun than Mars is.
Chuck (07:35.102)
Yeah, yeah, well of course it is, right? Yeah, yeah, we're the third planet out, right? Yeah, yeah, so. Nope, nope, nope.
RBK Kaledoscope (07:36.904)
You know what I mean? So like, anytime. WAP. So I'm not gonna sit here and worry about that shit. You know what I'm gonna do is I'm gonna take stock of what it is for me to live this life in the most fulfilled way possible. And so, uh...
Chuck (07:51.418)
Yeah. For me, that's going to Thailand and shooting from the beach. Right. So, yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (07:57.304)
Dude and man, I'm jealous. Plus you get to hang with Mike. Man, yeah.
Chuck (08:04.618)
wow, hey, right? Like the one time I met Mike face to face recently when Lisa and I got to go meet him in Canmore for supper, the three or four hours of straight conversation we had left me feeling enlightened and empty at the same time. Right, because it's like how much more, how much more can I learn from this guy?
RBK Kaledoscope (08:11.831)
Yep.
RBK Kaledoscope (08:22.788)
What a paradox.
Chuck (08:26.014)
Right? Like, you know what I mean? And to have someone like him and Lisa in the same room was just like, holy shit, man. It was just, so much, so much did I learn, right? So yeah, I cannot wait for this experience. And as you know, whatever's going on in my current living situation is, you know, trauma inducing unto itself. So, right, you know, fuck.
RBK Kaledoscope (08:26.149)
Oh dude, he's... yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (08:30.164)
And Lisa. Yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (08:46.648)
Yeah, I'll leave that one for the sidelines. Yeah, yeah, and you know, and all of it, dude, it's like, we get to a point in our life where we look back and see value in it. You know what I mean? And you know, so as hard as everything is, like struggle, I'll say it time and time again, struggle and tension has always been my greatest professor.
Chuck (08:59.53)
Yeah, yeah, right.
Chuck (09:11.394)
without a doubt, right?
RBK Kaledoscope (09:11.7)
I have learned more from struggle than I have sitting in university classrooms. You know, and every day So yeah, yeah. You know, I really, I actually really enjoyed, I gotta say, like I enjoyed last week's show a lot. I don't, and it was kind of a shoot from the hip show, like kind of like we do, you know? And but the way, you know, like I actually had never really put together the...
Chuck (09:16.558)
Oh, every day, as they say. Did I sound hip to the groove when I said that? Did I? Yeah, right, yeah.
Chuck (09:35.966)
Yeah, yeah, it was.
RBK Kaledoscope (09:41.58)
characteristics of stigma and shame being so correlated until we were going through it. And it was kind of like a whoa moment. And then, of course, like, human-ness happens, right? I'm sitting and I'm thinking about, like, I'm going to admit something that I don't want the world to hear, but we're going to do it. I am awful at TikTok.
Chuck (09:45.418)
Right? Yeah, yeah.
RBK Kaledoscope (10:10.692)
I go... ..
Chuck (10:11.874)
From the guy that edits his stuff, you know, I can, I can, yeah, yeah. He's really fucking bad at it, you know. Yeah, yeah.
Chuck (10:24.15)
Yeah.
Chuck (10:28.214)
Yep. Ha ha ha.
Chuck (10:34.55)
Which is, we've talked about it quite a bit. To me, it's funny because some of the best reels I produce come out of these episodes, Kaleidoscope Onesies, right? And some of the most profound things I have ever heard my whole life come from these episodes, and I can put them in a reel and go, shit, yeah, this was good, you know, right? Yeah, yeah, right? And then you said me something that I've gotta turn into something workable, and it's like, holy frick, you know, right?
RBK Kaledoscope (10:52.249)
Yeah, but this is fish in water here. You know, that...
RBK Kaledoscope (11:01.424)
Dude, you know, you give me an hour to talk and I am no problem. Give me one minute and I am absolutely terrible.
Chuck (11:06.046)
Yeah.
Chuck (11:14.734)
going on.
RBK Kaledoscope (11:15.496)
I don't know. You can hear me, hey? Yeah, it is my camo.
Chuck (11:17.982)
on your end. Yeah, I can hear you. I'm gonna hit stop record because it's easier that way.
Shattered Stigma
Yatra
Morning Cup
