275- RYAN BATHGATE

[00:00:00] We all have an opportunity to do better for those that we impact and ultimately ourselves.

[00:00:07] But if I was going to tell you that my sobriety was for me and that would be a lot.

[00:00:10] It might sobriety is for who I need to be in ultimately for, you know, because I don't want this in my family lineage anymore.

[00:00:18] And I have an opportunity to break that chain and that's what I'm going to do one way or another.

[00:00:22] So it was a little bit with Ryan BATHGATE, of course, my co-hosts.

[00:00:26] We trying to do these episodes once a week.

[00:00:28] Sometimes we miss it.

[00:00:29] Most of the times we don't listen.

[00:00:30] If you're really enjoying our content, if you could go ahead and hit that like comment, share, subscribe, whatever platform you're on.

[00:00:35] Any time you interact with our content is absolutely the best way you can help us continue to spread the message.

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[00:00:45] Listen, try to spell some for today's episode is art that's the Alberta Adolescent Recovery Center.

[00:00:48] Okay, did an Alberta.

[00:00:50] They're doing wonderful things with a peer to peer adolescent treatment program that's absolutely amazing.

[00:00:56] Given the climate of what's going on these days with the Fenton Alepidemic, it's more important than ever to intervene with youth before they spend years in use and active addiction.

[00:01:03] And it just gets harder and harder rate with every passing year.

[00:01:06] So what's we're doing is great guys.

[00:01:07] You don't learn more about them.

[00:01:08] If you go to art.AB.ca and in the meantime, enjoy the show.

[00:01:13] Hello everybody.

[00:01:14] Watchers, listeners, reports, well-kinds.

[00:01:15] Welcome to another episode of The Ashes To Awesome Podcast.

[00:01:18] I'm your host, Dr. Flandz or Chris Horder, where we want to call me.

[00:01:22] Sitting in Crabby, Thailand halfway around the world in Mission BC is my good friend and co-host Ryan Baffgate.

[00:01:28] How you doing today, Ryan?

[00:01:29] Oh, I mean, okay, same hand.

[00:01:32] I just good.

[00:01:34] And like, you know, I'm on the other end of like really hard time in my life.

[00:01:40] And so everything right now is a, has a touch of glory, if you like.

[00:01:50] You know, hanging in the art of the kids and set up the water slide, air pump park thing.

[00:01:59] You know, it was like blow up bouncy castle things.

[00:02:02] It happened one of those with like a pool and a water slide goes into it.

[00:02:05] So I had that setup for the kids which destroys my lawn, but you know, sacrifice.

[00:02:09] You know, it's been an ankle for a minute or three.

[00:02:16] Yeah, yeah.

[00:02:17] They were a kid when they said that you got to make sacrifices with your parents.

[00:02:22] Oh, well.

[00:02:24] You're that guy.

[00:02:26] Oh, man.

[00:02:27] Thank God, I understand that there's been a lot of blood sweating tears at winning that thing and I got a mole.

[00:02:33] But this is relentless and destroying my life.

[00:02:37] Morning and wake others for more amounts of dirt, like great.

[00:02:41] Got to re-seat that.

[00:02:43] So yeah, I know.

[00:02:44] And then yeah, like, like it's you know, I got to go.

[00:02:47] I'm going to go back to work and, and I think,

[00:02:49] Um, to be a little bit cheesy around this and I think, you know, so I want to, I want to, I want to, but a few things and that said I don't want to.

[00:02:57] Do something to do something.

[00:02:59] So I'm going to go back to working with people instead of systems and health authorities.

[00:03:06] Yeah, yeah.

[00:03:07] Good management.

[00:03:08] You get to work with people for than you're dealing with contracts.

[00:03:12] And you know, like as a therapist, it's amazing how much the social path of tendencies uptake to hire a flattery.

[00:03:20] Yeah.

[00:03:21] Yeah.

[00:03:22] And it's just like, you know, like, do we forget what we're going to do this for?

[00:03:26] You know what I mean?

[00:03:27] Um, and then, you know, and there's a lot that comes with that relative to like learning really a lot about myself and in, in, in, in, in my capacities.

[00:03:36] And so don't ever want to experience a burnout again.

[00:03:39] I don't want to experience a relapse again.

[00:03:43] And the job definitely has a large impact with that.

[00:03:46] And you'll quite understand the third of your week there, right?

[00:03:49] So it's yeah.

[00:03:50] Of course, right?

[00:03:51] And, and, and, you know, to be in recovery and to be in this industry is a really difficult thing that I think is overlooked.

[00:03:57] You know, I think I first day of the university should have been like, hey, here in recovery.

[00:04:03] This is really hard.

[00:04:04] You know what I mean?

[00:04:05] And so like, you know, it's, it's humbling that, um, but you know how you're going to be like, I think I can do it all and, you know,

[00:04:14] Chuckles.

[00:04:16] Well, your words.

[00:04:19] It's not beyond me, you know.

[00:04:22] So yeah, like, the other thing is, so yeah, I had that, you know, got that going on, but, you know, ultimately,

[00:04:29] I got a family to look after and that's extremely important.

[00:04:33] And then you, with that there's, there's pressure and there's like, to not make, you know, to not to let,

[00:04:40] I just want to be able to use down in any way is to let my family out, which I do quite seriously.

[00:04:45] So, yes, there's some stress and I'm trying to learn what stress is.

[00:04:50] Just a quick introduction here for the PSA today's PSA is brought to you by far that's families for addiction recovery.

[00:04:56] They are a free service in Canada for families with loved ones that are suffering with SUD.

[00:05:00] They offer group meetings four times a month for people that are in a similar mindset.

[00:05:04] They have a peer to peer support system one on one.

[00:05:06] They pick up your to match with your circumstances, somebody that maybe you can relate to a bit better than other people

[00:05:11] and that peer will work with you after some training. And of course, if you need some real time helping and

[00:05:16] call during business hours, it's big to sit in who's one of my favorite human beings.

[00:05:20] You learn more about them at farcanada.org. And in the meantime, here's Jamie with your PSA.

[00:05:25] Hey, my name is Jamie Tull and I want to talk to you about something I never leave home without.

[00:05:30] This right here is nasal and the lock zone. There are a couple different name brands of it.

[00:05:35] This one is called Revive. It is an emergency treatment for opioid overdose.

[00:05:42] You might think, well, I don't use opioids. Well, you never know who's like you could save someone who loves and someone who is loved.

[00:05:51] So don't leave home without it.

[00:05:53] So that was the PSA. Thank you to Jamie for that.

[00:05:56] You're talking about your family, how important are to your decisions you have to make around.

[00:06:00] And I think that's a really good segue into what we're talking about pre-record.

[00:06:03] That is how important it is to bring awareness out.

[00:06:09] Yeah, but important is to bring awareness to the people who are affected by addiction as you like to say the nuclear damage that has been causes, right?

[00:06:19] You know, or the original orbit, it's a nuclear orbit.

[00:06:23] Nuclear orbit has been like everything in its suit conference is devastated.

[00:06:27] Absolutely. It is.

[00:06:29] And so we think about the depth of that and the butterfly effect of that.

[00:06:36] It goes the same way with the recovery process if depending on what success is for Lord is.

[00:06:43] Yeah, you know, like in these days most cases it's most people are, I mean, we're in a different world now where there is some acceptability to the terms substance use this sort of, you know, like where it's not a moral weakness anymore like it was when I started like.

[00:06:57] And so, but I think actually it's an answer to something in Facebook about this for a gentleman was worried about telling his work that he needed to go away to treatment.

[00:07:07] And I'm like, well, understandable.

[00:07:10] But if you look at, I mean, being on that management side of things, I know that it's not only, I mean, judgment or not.

[00:07:17] There is a responsibility that is put upon organizations to support that individual and recognize that as a disorder and not a moral failing.

[00:07:29] And so the best thing we, I don't just explain the best thing you do is just be up front to you honest on top of that it creates another layer of accountability.

[00:07:37] You know, and and buying not saying something what are you telling yourself that you're going to fail.

[00:07:45] Yeah.

[00:07:46] That really benefits from that and that is everybody in that orbit. Everybody that's been devastated.

[00:07:54] Absolutely.

[00:07:56] And so, you know, I've got this, I'm going to see it's probably a lifetime commitment that I've made failed on and made again and failed on again to really provide a different environment for my children growing up than than than you know that I came up with.

[00:08:12] And, you know, even with that it's like, I guess there's some element of stigma because like, I'm not mad at my parents.

[00:08:22] The world that I came up in and for a long time I felt ripped off, I guess, but I always say and remind myself that my kids didn't choose me.

[00:08:30] I chose them.

[00:08:31] And with that comes a lot of responsibility.

[00:08:34] Yeah, it does.

[00:08:35] And most importantly, they deserve the best version of me every single day that I'm breathing and I had anchoring.

[00:08:42] I was mad at I got stuck with these two fucking morons.

[00:08:45] You know, I don't mean, I don't mean I don't mean I don't mean I don't mean.

[00:08:49] Referring to parents not kids.

[00:08:50] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:08:53] Yeah, who's so dumb.

[00:08:57] I don't know why can't talk yet at two like, right?

[00:09:01] I mean, geez, like, and babies couldn't even hold their head up.

[00:09:04] I mean, I don't know.

[00:09:05] I'm like, that's why I just like to yell them, why you so dumb?

[00:09:09] You know, I just kidding would never do that.

[00:09:11] I would see that real out of that, less like it's taken out of context.

[00:09:15] Oh yeah.

[00:09:16] Yeah, no, so like, he would eat so much easier for me to be angry and something that it is to try and understand it.

[00:09:22] You know, yeah.

[00:09:23] Luckily, you know, with the program or stats and therapy have been a big help for me in understanding

[00:09:30] the intentions and like they say love is an action word and or a verb, if you will.

[00:09:38] And so, you know, I always kind of took that like, well, these actions are not consistent with what I would consider love to be.

[00:09:47] And so that meant that I wasn't loved, which is just sort of not true.

[00:09:54] That's a perception as a kid.

[00:09:55] That means that's of course a perception.

[00:09:56] Yeah, and you know, I don't have wisdom because I don't have experience.

[00:10:00] I don't have knowledge so I make my own and I'm going to even go further and say that a lot of these decisions were made outside of awareness

[00:10:09] and reacted to in the now instead of responding to.

[00:10:14] And so, just by yourself or by your parents.

[00:10:19] By my, my, my, my, my own judgment process.

[00:10:22] Okay.

[00:10:22] So, like what's fair? What isn't fair? Why am I? Why am I parents at it?

[00:10:27] So, and we're poor in this guy is, you know, my best friend has great parents.

[00:10:34] And, you know, he gets to go on the field trip to the cost 20 bucks so I can't go on.

[00:10:37] You know what I mean like.

[00:10:39] Yeah.

[00:10:40] You know, and like it is a kid that's fucking bullshit.

[00:10:43] But, you know, so years of therapy and and stepwork and program stuff and, you know,

[00:10:51] I have a little bit of a more comprehensive understanding of that.

[00:10:55] And ultimately it is that they did, they did, they did my pinch didn't love me any less than anyone else.

[00:11:01] It's just like what were their tools?

[00:11:03] What are they exactly?

[00:11:04] Exactly.

[00:11:05] You know, exactly. Right.

[00:11:06] That's so important, right?

[00:11:08] And then people for your own damn self is so important.

[00:11:11] Yes.

[00:11:12] What's, what's that going to do anything doing this?

[00:11:14] But you see idea that.

[00:11:17] And we've talked about this quite a bit with both Lee said Mike on the show that people are protective of their parents.

[00:11:25] Right? So just to acknowledge some of the less than great things that happened, doesn't mean you're playing blame.

[00:11:30] It's so that you couldn't acknowledge that they happened and how they affected you and you can move forward from that.

[00:11:35] Well, here's like I've done some shit.

[00:11:38] Yeah.

[00:11:38] You know, yeah.

[00:11:40] And man, like I've ate, it has changed every fucking thing about me.

[00:11:44] Yeah.

[00:11:45] Be it's a happiness that I carry every day intentionally as a, you know, something I don't ever want to forget.

[00:11:54] And so and it's impacted the way I see myself.

[00:11:57] And so why would that not be true for that on whatever level that they understand that?

[00:12:02] Mike might my father now. I haven't seen him.

[00:12:05] I'm going to say since 2006.

[00:12:08] Damn, you have 20 years saying, yeah.

[00:12:10] Yeah. I haven't laid eyes on him.

[00:12:11] I mean, I had hair and abs last time I saw him.

[00:12:16] I guess you had it.

[00:12:18] I was driving a, oh no, last time I saw him, I had a silver auto.

[00:12:22] I wasn't quite in the seat that CJ, I had an 80, 80, CCJ that I drove forever.

[00:12:28] That was just a way to say the Jeep.

[00:12:30] Yeah, bucket of bolts, man.

[00:12:32] But you know, today these days, like, you know, I'm not going to say,

[00:12:39] I never wanted, I learned a valuable lesson.

[00:12:42] I guess that's why we all started it is that I get to choose who I want to be regardless of what input or stimuli is coming in or I'm experiencing.

[00:12:51] And so like one of those things was like, you know, there's mean old drunk stuff there and I know one well.

[00:12:58] And so I would, you know, stand a happy birthday because that's who I want to be or Merry Christmas.

[00:13:02] So that's who I want to be in the responses were a times abusive, you know, but I never stopped doing that because I wasn't going to let that dictate who I am.

[00:13:13] No, you know, and that's that's an important thing.

[00:13:15] I tried to have most of my life when I was in awareness where I was to never let anybody else's actions decide mine.

[00:13:23] Yeah, so yeah, 10 of the day.

[00:13:25] Well, I can think of a asterisk on that and would have to do with any sexual.

[00:13:35] But we get hot here.

[00:13:39] But no, like in and now I get these messages under the exact opposite.

[00:13:44] Like so there's been a shift there.

[00:13:45] I don't know what what that looks like on the other end for, you know, my parents.

[00:13:51] So I know that my mom did a step nine with me when I was 15 or so.

[00:13:59] And I was like, yeah, I was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

[00:14:02] It's like fuck you.

[00:14:04] You know, like it probably didn't go well for her.

[00:14:05] She kept doing it over the year and she still tries to live that at least she's been, you know, in recovery or was not to say that she's like relapsed.

[00:14:16] And she's just fucking old.

[00:14:19] You know, like, I don't know, I guess all people still go to me. She just doesn't.

[00:14:25] But there's such a difficult world and like when I think about the impact that recovery has had in my life it's just like, you know, we.

[00:14:33] I remember chopping firewood in the dark because we didn't have power or he, you know what I mean?

[00:14:39] And my mom went to treatment when I was 14, I think.

[00:14:44] Yeah.

[00:14:45] So it's certainly after my last trip to Colmox actually comes to you.

[00:14:49] Yeah, when I was born after that because I was 14.

[00:14:51] So you're ahead of you.

[00:14:52] Yeah.

[00:14:53] Yeah.

[00:14:54] Maybe it was 15.

[00:14:55] One of my mom was a year sober and Sherry died.

[00:14:57] And I was 16 and she died.

[00:14:59] So maybe it was 15.

[00:15:01] I've ever said the moment that she got home.

[00:15:04] My life was very different.

[00:15:06] It's in simple ways like consistency stability.

[00:15:09] We had the same phone number and you know, in the face.

[00:15:13] You didn't have cell phones.

[00:15:15] You called house phones.

[00:15:17] And so like we had food in the fridge and you know what I mean?

[00:15:21] Like my what to work every day.

[00:15:23] Like that was a big one.

[00:15:24] That must have been for for you as a young man like that.

[00:15:28] Harbouring all of that.

[00:15:29] I mean resentment and it is resent me.

[00:15:30] And at that age, you don't have anywhere near the tools you have now.

[00:15:33] So obviously there would have been a ton of resentment.

[00:15:36] But then and I don't want to put words in your mouth.

[00:15:38] I don't want to put words in your mouth.

[00:15:39] But then seeing that the other side of that when your mom gets into recovery and you get to see things like consistency.

[00:15:46] And this has been profound.

[00:15:47] Yeah.

[00:15:48] It wasn't just kind of whatever because you're too long to really.

[00:15:51] It was not whatever.

[00:15:52] And it was not too young.

[00:15:54] I guess.

[00:15:54] Yeah, I guess.

[00:15:55] Fucking 30 before I was 12.

[00:15:57] Yeah.

[00:15:59] What I was was already already gone.

[00:16:02] I did not lose any anger in my teen years.

[00:16:09] No.

[00:16:10] No.

[00:16:11] And everything, you know, I was still at really safety,

[00:16:14] Seek mentality where everything was prove it.

[00:16:18] Prove it again.

[00:16:18] Do it again.

[00:16:19] Do it again.

[00:16:20] Okay, I'll think about it.

[00:16:21] You know what I mean?

[00:16:23] Like fuck you.

[00:16:24] Fuck this.

[00:16:25] You can you know nobody can tell me anything.

[00:16:28] What do you think that comes from?

[00:16:30] Yeah.

[00:16:31] Yeah.

[00:16:32] You're worse.

[00:16:34] Yeah.

[00:16:35] Well, when I know who it is.

[00:16:36] So that's interesting.

[00:16:37] That makes me think Ryan about your mom being in recovery and we all know he especially in the

[00:16:42] Early days there's you're just waiting looking for resentment somewhere, you know, the

[00:16:47] Adic brain is right?

[00:16:48] So if your mom is up against that.

[00:16:51] That kind of show me attitude.

[00:16:54] Do you remember how that was for her? How she handled that?

[00:16:57] How she processed that?

[00:16:58] Like once I sister died, she wore that, you know, like and still does.

[00:17:05] Let's be honest, like if my parents were to addicts, I don't think my sister does.

[00:17:11] To be honest with you.

[00:17:12] And I'm not, I'm not trying to point you for you.

[00:17:15] I'm a state in the fact that if we, I mean, we were, we were a drug.

[00:17:20] To make it to an alcohol lifestyle that came along with all the shit that comes with it.

[00:17:24] So I went to a criminal violence in chaos and drama and all that shit, you know.

[00:17:29] And that was, I mean, this is why I struggle with stress now because I grew up and I so

[00:17:34] F**k normal to me that I don't register stress in my mind but my body sure does.

[00:17:42] You know?

[00:17:42] And so I have a hard time knowing that I'm stressed out.

[00:17:45] I mean, it's good in a way that, you know, I, I handles stress on the outside for pretty

[00:17:51] Well, for the most part, especially in like an organizational settings and scenarios.

[00:17:56] I mean, you know, I worked in a treatment center for a long time when there was a dangerous situation

[00:18:00] who do you think they sent it?

[00:18:02] Because I didn't bat in high that didn't scare me.

[00:18:04] You know what I mean?

[00:18:05] I was comfortable in that situation.

[00:18:07] And so there's been a asset to it without a doubt, but I would I want that from my kids.

[00:18:11] So I know of course not.

[00:18:12] No, no.

[00:18:13] No, I don't want my girls to be the one that's calling on.

[00:18:16] Someone's wasted drunk and nobody can get through to them.

[00:18:19] You know what, you know what?

[00:18:20] I just so happens.

[00:18:21] I've got a lot of experience with that.

[00:18:24] You know, like, and I learned a long time ago to not take shit personal because of that, the

[00:18:31] the abuse that comes along with whiskey and anger.

[00:18:35] Yeah.

[00:18:36] Yeah.

[00:18:36] Yeah.

[00:18:36] So, so like now I look at this thing and it's like, okay, so, you know, you shake the bath gate tree.

[00:18:43] And you're going to find some alcohol.

[00:18:44] You know what I mean?

[00:18:46] And you haven't said that.

[00:18:48] My dad's brothers and sisters, very, very nice normal people.

[00:18:56] Well, but I mean, I mean, as far as social distancing.

[00:18:59] Yeah.

[00:18:59] Like my uncle, you know, he went, he got a degree in university in the 60s.

[00:19:04] But she's like, you don't have to do that.

[00:19:06] You don't have to like, and he had a long career.

[00:19:08] And I think I think he used a pro off-sourcer.

[00:19:10] Oh, really?

[00:19:12] Yeah.

[00:19:13] That's, there's some contrast.

[00:19:15] Well, you want to hear the punchline?

[00:19:17] I do.

[00:19:18] Yeah.

[00:19:18] Now he owns a dive shop in Moushjah.

[00:19:22] Okay.

[00:19:22] I know the dive shop actually, so yeah.

[00:19:25] Hey, that was, that was business.

[00:19:29] How's that buffalo count?

[00:19:31] Time team.

[00:19:34] Yeah.

[00:19:34] No, my Eddie Shelley is incredibly smart.

[00:19:38] And she, like, I think she was in like, she was so good school that they put her up three grades by the time she was done.

[00:19:46] And so she was too young to go to university when she finished 2012.

[00:19:51] So she got a job in McDonald's and I think she still works it.

[00:19:56] Maybe I can do it.

[00:19:57] I don't know.

[00:19:58] Yeah.

[00:19:58] But like, you know, obviously she's not working the fucking drive.

[00:20:02] But you know, like, and so like, you know, my cousins are great.

[00:20:06] And it's just like,

[00:20:09] and dad is like, why me?

[00:20:12] Why do you know that it's easy, especially for a young man to go to the right?

[00:20:15] Yeah.

[00:20:15] Of course.

[00:20:16] Yeah.

[00:20:16] And then you know, I grew up in coma.

[00:20:18] So we're like, everybody's a lawyer or doctor or, you know, in the valley, that's the place to go with you had money.

[00:20:26] And we did.

[00:20:27] And so it was like, but you know, and I always felt out like awkward and left out.

[00:20:34] But the people of the friends I had there were just like, I don't know if they were sex and a tour or just didn't care.

[00:20:41] But we care because we're the ones in that.

[00:20:45] But never did I feel nobody ever was like, you know, you feel that way.

[00:20:49] You felt good on your poor kid.

[00:20:50] Get out of here with your fucking belly village attire.

[00:20:54] You know, there was never, they were in my friends who were phenomenal.

[00:20:57] It was just me and the way that I see myself and, you know, audience security is something.

[00:21:03] Yeah, and it's a lot of, there's a lot of like why and like, you know, I think I'm going to say, I always struggle with that God hurt in the covering and I'm going to tell them, there's not always have.

[00:21:14] And now it's just, there's part of it.

[00:21:16] I don't care and part of it that I've refined enough in a way that I can, that I can absorb as part of my being.

[00:21:21] And none of it is like, you know, I'm not, I'm not going to be reading scripture of it.

[00:21:27] I mean referencing Matthew.

[00:21:29] No, so box on the corner.

[00:21:31] Yeah, I don't know.

[00:21:33] No, if I'm going to be really honest, oh, maybe I should say that here.

[00:21:39] But I've been to Indiana and it's creepy.

[00:21:42] You come to the Patreon account to hear what I said.

[00:21:45] Yeah.

[00:21:46] I don't have a Patreon.

[00:21:47] Just kidding.

[00:21:48] Yeah.

[00:21:50] And so, but it, you know, it's helped in a way that it's helped me.

[00:21:59] What I was saying.

[00:22:00] So I have this sponsor's great dude.

[00:22:03] Years, I mean, we're going back 20 years.

[00:22:07] And he said, like, you know, like, well, what are you struggling with the God things?

[00:22:11] Because they don't believe in God's stupid.

[00:22:13] And he's like, well, kind of sounds like you're angry.

[00:22:17] And I'm like, yeah, fuck yeah.

[00:22:18] And he's like, well, how do you get angry with something?

[00:22:20] I don't believe it.

[00:22:20] And I was like, damn it.

[00:22:22] You know, and so it's always been that.

[00:22:24] Because I tell you, like, I prayed to something when shit was going on in the 80s.

[00:22:30] They didn't cough, didn't arrest people for things.

[00:22:34] Like they didn't, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know, you know,

[00:22:36] like it was like, well, what did you say to piss him off?

[00:22:40] I remember that quote.

[00:22:42] Like, and I'm not in kidding.

[00:22:43] That's my mom's quote through and through.

[00:22:45] Like, they could have been my mom saying that just when you said that.

[00:22:48] And also well, I spoke.

[00:22:48] That's it.

[00:22:49] I remember my, a cop scene at my mom.

[00:22:53] Well, she's black and blue and there's fucking blood in there.

[00:22:56] You know what I mean?

[00:22:57] Yeah.

[00:22:58] And so yeah, like I definitely afraid of putting my girls through anything like that.

[00:23:03] And I don't mean just, you know, I don't mean physical abuse.

[00:23:06] I mean, the whole fucking lifestyle, the chaos, the, you know, you know, you know,

[00:23:12] it's like to be hung over, right?

[00:23:14] Yeah.

[00:23:15] I don't remember.

[00:23:16] What's in that longer ago?

[00:23:17] A good of a parent, sorry, you went here on an over.

[00:23:19] Like, you know what I mean?

[00:23:20] Right.

[00:23:21] Like, it's, you know, that Saturday is right off.

[00:23:24] And that Saturday is the day that they look for all week to go and play in the park and play in the yard.

[00:23:29] And, you know, just have dad around him.

[00:23:33] Well, where is he?

[00:23:33] He's under that blanket of a couch telling him where to shut up, turn the lights off.

[00:23:37] You're like, they don't know.

[00:23:39] That's, it's not what I want to do.

[00:23:40] So when we think about the impact, like my, my life has been impacted by addiction from day one.

[00:23:46] From the moment I came into this earth, doctors slapped me on the ass and I was affected by the, you know,

[00:23:53] I think so when I talk about my experience in addiction is the lifetime, whether I identify as an addict or not.

[00:24:01] It's irrelevant.

[00:24:03] I do identify as substance use disorder now and I prefer that term for myself.

[00:24:08] I think it's like my, you know, I have an anti-disorder.

[00:24:12] It's not who I am.

[00:24:13] It's part of exactly.

[00:24:15] And myself uses disorders not who I am.

[00:24:17] It has nothing to do with my morals, my values.

[00:24:20] The only thing is that those are the things that become corrosive and flammable when I'm in addiction.

[00:24:28] Yeah, you know what I mean?

[00:24:29] And they are the things that that's like the biggest thing that I, especially this last time, like, in me telling myself that I've got it,

[00:24:38] and figured out, I'm the one in the million and all that shit.

[00:24:41] Like what I didn't see was like, whoa, that robbed me of integrity, of honesty, of family first of which all the values

[00:24:50] that I, that I really live my life by and I want to identify to the world is.

[00:24:54] And myself for that matter.

[00:24:56] And so like how do I, how can I possibly teach my children this stuff when I am not living in London?

[00:25:06] You know, kidding.

[00:25:07] And they watch it all.

[00:25:08] They see it all.

[00:25:10] And you know, like, and I, you know, I, I thought I worked with it,

[00:25:14] especially when it comes to the impact of addiction, substance disorder and the family unit.

[00:25:20] So for example, I would, you know, I hear like kids yelling at their parents the exact same things that their other parents yell at them in front of them.

[00:25:29] Like, yeah, you know, like calling names or you never let me talk or, what do you just go fuck that guy?

[00:25:37] You're sick.

[00:25:39] You know what I mean?

[00:25:40] And that's a real thing that I heard is, so it's kids said that to their mother because their father said that to them.

[00:25:47] Wow.

[00:25:49] And that, that's not even, and I, that wasn't even a family that had substance use disorder.

[00:25:54] We got to think like every time pick up a drink with substance use disorder, my, my kids, my kids are impacted.

[00:26:02] You know, really awful negative way.

[00:26:05] And, you know, I think about, okay, think about this.

[00:26:07] How about the shame I have about being the throws of substance use disorder while watching and valuing and promising that I would never be able to do that.

[00:26:17] We come that, you know.

[00:26:19] And, and like how am I supposed to hold my head high when I have let myself down to core of a belief that I had from the suffering I endured at a time that I didn't bring it on.

[00:26:32] But yeah, this age, I am responsible.

[00:26:35] And it's really important, like, you know, that's, that's interesting that you say that right.

[00:26:39] But when I first heard about everything that had happened and you know, talked to you and all that, my immediate thought, immediate thought was, oh my God.

[00:26:49] That's like that's how we grew up, right?

[00:26:51] Like it was instantly, and the empathetic side of me was like, that's going to hit him hard, right?

[00:26:59] And I can only imagine now as we sit here, even now, right?

[00:27:02] I can see it's, it's bringing on a bit of a response from you, right?

[00:27:04] Yeah, I think it's fair enough.

[00:27:07] Right? Like that must have been something to really wrestle with when that happened.

[00:27:10] But yeah, we're all a pair of the fellow shoes on and a fucking itself.

[00:27:15] Well, I'm starting to think about that.

[00:27:17] Well, that's where that shit really hit me was, you know, but it, but the outcome of that was a commitment to never put my fucking family behind any.

[00:27:29] Yeah, you know, and so that's why like with conviction, that's the negotiation process for me when it's like, I'm not sure like that would drink it.

[00:27:38] You know, our, but yeah, cocaine smells good.

[00:27:41] So it's six months in it's congratulations on your six months. By the way, thank you.

[00:27:45] You know, if I'm allowed to say that, am I allowed to say that?

[00:27:48] Think about it.

[00:27:49] Well, you can with my permission.

[00:27:53] Well, thank you.

[00:27:54] These are permissions and they're, these are asking forgiveness.

[00:27:59] Yeah, sometimes.

[00:28:01] And I'll ask for that, but just because whatever the situation is what it is at the six month mark with the amount of meetings you go to the amount of fairer funds agenda, the amount of work you build itself consistently day after day after day.

[00:28:12] Do you do you still have those negotiations with yourself at all?

[00:28:16] No, at this point.

[00:28:17] No, no, I wouldn't think so.

[00:28:19] But you know what I mean, I mean the negotiations, the bargaining table is always open for business.

[00:28:25] Yeah.

[00:28:25] You know what I mean?

[00:28:26] Yeah.

[00:28:27] It's a hard and lot to push.

[00:28:29] Oh, yeah.

[00:28:29] Yeah.

[00:28:30] I fucking reached through camera and country in the day.

[00:28:33] I mean it's always, but, but, but this too shall pass.

[00:28:37] Yeah.

[00:28:38] Let's let go.

[00:28:39] Let God.

[00:28:40] You know.

[00:28:42] Easy does it.

[00:28:43] Easy does it.

[00:28:44] What else keep coming back?

[00:28:47] I just think about every church based on that thing.

[00:28:50] Do you know what?

[00:28:50] It's a 20 year.

[00:28:51] No, like, I'm going to say, I'm going to go on a limited stage.

[00:28:56] Just a little every addicts have that moment where they're like, cruise them down town and it's 29 degrees.

[00:29:02] And that, I can ice cold, high in the kid with a little beat of sweat dripping down the side of the glass.

[00:29:07] Kind of catches your eye.

[00:29:08] You know, like, you know, but that's, that's in the negotiation.

[00:29:14] You know what I mean?

[00:29:14] I suppose it is.

[00:29:15] Yeah, I've never thought of it that way, but yeah this and so it's even if it's only a fraction of a second.

[00:29:19] It's still a bit.

[00:29:20] Yeah, yeah.

[00:29:21] Yeah.

[00:29:21] And so it's like, you lost camping a couple of weekends ago.

[00:29:24] Best time.

[00:29:25] I've had camping in years and, you know, my friends, not all my friends are in recovery

[00:29:29] and some of them, some drink and they don't have an issue.

[00:29:33] So I, you know, shot him.

[00:29:36] And it's, and the irony is that, like, they drink way better when I'm not drinking, which

[00:29:41] really was there fault, but, you know, I don't know how you're just been there.

[00:29:44] Yeah.

[00:29:45] But I had a moment where it was like, yeah, like, just drinking can't, it's fine.

[00:29:50] And then that was like, there's my little girls over there playing in the sandbox.

[00:29:53] And I'm thinking, yeah.

[00:29:55] That's fine.

[00:29:55] Not a fuck, right?

[00:29:56] You know what I mean?

[00:29:57] Like, yeah.

[00:29:58] There's just, there's no, the negotiation is over as soon as, as soon as I put one thought into it.

[00:30:05] And, and, and it's not even a conversation.

[00:30:07] It is literally those little girls need you.

[00:30:11] Yeah.

[00:30:11] And that's that.

[00:30:13] You don't get to be you as long as you're in sucks.

[00:30:16] Yeah, so I'm rena-

[00:30:17] I'm rena- I'm searing the background.

[00:30:19] No, it's my mom.

[00:30:21] Oh, it's your mom.

[00:30:21] Hey.

[00:30:22] Mwah.

[00:30:24] Mwah.

[00:30:26] What did I say?

[00:30:27] I said, I'm recording.

[00:30:29] Don't come up here.

[00:30:31] You got to come.

[00:30:31] You got to come.

[00:30:33] I'm glad I got to searing away.

[00:30:34] But it's been 30 fucking years.

[00:30:37] I'm really glad.

[00:30:38] Yeah.

[00:30:38] Literally 30 years.

[00:30:42] I'm really glad.

[00:30:43] I'm happy for you.

[00:30:43] She can't hear you.

[00:30:44] No harm, no foul, right?

[00:30:45] I know.

[00:30:46] I know.

[00:30:46] It's like, she's probably not reaching down.

[00:30:50] She'd have been in an output time.

[00:30:52] I said, well, I think what's really going to do in home radio?

[00:30:57] It's been 34 years since I've seen her.

[00:30:59] So I'll take it as a win.

[00:31:00] Really 32 years.

[00:31:01] 33 years, something like that.

[00:31:03] Yeah.

[00:31:03] Wow, I literally said, hey, I'm recording.

[00:31:05] Really, come on.

[00:31:06] Hey, love!

[00:31:07] I never noticed you doing that day.

[00:31:09] I'm like, six.

[00:31:13] Yeah, so yeah.

[00:31:14] So yeah, you know, it's actually like,

[00:31:17] I've had a moment, so over the years awake.

[00:31:23] elevations, I guess, of consciousness.

[00:31:26] In that, like, so I'm sitting in class.

[00:31:30] I don't think he is.

[00:31:31] It's been doing that all day.

[00:31:32] I mean, I mean, I don't, I was doing it as a client.

[00:31:36] I'm like,

[00:31:37] I'm sitting in class and the you'd see the word

[00:31:40] gambling to me, and I'm like, you know,

[00:31:42] or a huck to a.

[00:31:46] Every fantasy football week has that team name now.

[00:31:50] Anyway, so, and I'm like, man, like,

[00:31:54] anyone, oh, I'm learnable this.

[00:31:55] And we started learning about open family systems.

[00:31:57] We learn about closed family systems, which are secretive

[00:32:00] and it's usually patriarchal and abusive and lower.

[00:32:03] But I'm sort of learning about open systems and it's like,

[00:32:06] open systems, everybody's valued.

[00:32:08] Every opinion is heard maybe not active on everyone.

[00:32:11] It's saying not the way.

[00:32:13] And I was like, oh my God, like, I have that now.

[00:32:16] Like, my mom, her stepdad, how.

[00:32:18] Who I can't say enough.

[00:32:20] Good things about he got rest of the soul.

[00:32:23] He, you know, we had this really cool recovery family.

[00:32:27] He, I think he died with 30, some years.

[00:32:29] He was a, uh, sobriety, such a good dude.

[00:32:32] I mean, obviously I have a liking to him.

[00:32:35] I named my daughter, Mackenzie, which was his last name.

[00:32:38] Not so he was a big, he was a big part of my life.

[00:32:43] He brought me a Gibson Les Paul for graduating

[00:32:45] CalSix School, which is one of my favorite things on the world.

[00:32:50] He's, he's, he's drove a PT cruiser and like,

[00:32:55] yeah, but I like our time cruiser.

[00:32:59] He literally only drove the bicycle rights in like 20 years.

[00:33:02] That's all he did.

[00:33:03] And honestly, you did not want him to go home and public with you.

[00:33:07] Because I was, I was, I was, can I tell something?

[00:33:11] This is not me being racist.

[00:33:13] This is me showing about how I had to deal with this guy.

[00:33:16] We're sitting in boss pizza.

[00:33:19] And there's a waitress that comes up of Asian descent.

[00:33:23] And he, we do our order.

[00:33:26] She walks away and you can see him get this looking as face like.

[00:33:30] I've got the best idea.

[00:33:32] He stands up.

[00:33:34] Yels are across the whole restaurant.

[00:33:37] And he says, how long is a Chineseman?

[00:33:41] It's not a question.

[00:33:43] And I've just bored if I'm.

[00:33:47] He did Jesus the funniest guy in the world.

[00:33:50] Because how long I guess?

[00:33:52] Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:33:53] It's like a name.

[00:33:56] Yeah, and I'm like dude, never going anywhere with you ever.

[00:34:00] Can't think that.

[00:34:02] What?

[00:34:02] I don't know.

[00:34:04] There's Larry.

[00:34:05] Oh, I know.

[00:34:06] Back to your cruiser.

[00:34:08] And so when he was on his deathbed, I'd, I'd lost my license from my last free laps for a period of five years.

[00:34:17] They didn't go well in court.

[00:34:18] I had, and then I could get back.

[00:34:21] But I owed $7500 in funds.

[00:34:24] And I also owed $7500 in student loan fees.

[00:34:27] I run a few the same number that I had to pay for one of the school.

[00:34:31] So it was either drive or go to school.

[00:34:33] So I went to school.

[00:34:34] And so before he died, he put a year insurance on it.

[00:34:37] Gave me the keys and said, you got a year to figure this shit out.

[00:34:41] Oh, wow.

[00:34:41] Yeah.

[00:34:42] And so I'm not going to be a supporter of driving without a license ever.

[00:34:46] But I did.

[00:34:47] That's a different time.

[00:34:48] Yeah.

[00:34:49] I treated like I had a kilo in my car every time I got it out.

[00:34:53] Tail lights, check, seat belt, not over the speed limit.

[00:34:57] Check the rear view, check the rear view.

[00:34:59] Yeah.

[00:35:02] I can spot a car caught from like 10 miles away.

[00:35:06] You know, undercover and taking a net.

[00:35:09] That's got to be some kind of off top of all, not a little off top of now.

[00:35:12] But off top of where we were.

[00:35:14] In Regina they have the RCMP depot, right?

[00:35:16] Which is where they do all the training.

[00:35:18] Yeah.

[00:35:18] I'm going to be out of my uncle and three.

[00:35:20] So there is a whole ton on mark to SUVs in that entire half of the city all the time.

[00:35:27] Yeah.

[00:35:28] So when you first move there, if you're doing something materialist, it is like your head is

[00:35:34] talking with your head being on a swivel.

[00:35:35] Yeah.

[00:35:35] It's almost too much for your like a sensory over.

[00:35:39] Wow.

[00:35:39] Every corner you turn.

[00:35:40] There's another on mark SUV, right?

[00:35:43] With with two very cop-looking people in it driving around.

[00:35:45] And then we're doing you turns at weird places.

[00:35:47] And it was just like, it's chaos.

[00:35:50] The highway we've seen, I was shooting here is the same.

[00:35:53] They're like, pick up trucks and cars like we, we, we, when I was in the brokering

[00:35:59] business, we me and my associate, we took the ferry back from, we came over here to meet somebody.

[00:36:08] Yeah.

[00:36:11] And then we took the ferry back.

[00:36:12] So we get on the ferry day like they pull us out of the line up and then we go last in the ferry,

[00:36:18] like whatever.

[00:36:19] So we get up.

[00:36:21] It's a super rain growst day.

[00:36:23] We go in small conumber on the top deck as it will be used to do this like ritual.

[00:36:28] And this guy comes up just like looks at both the face and my body is like he's dead now.

[00:36:32] I love how he died with his murder.

[00:36:35] And he, uh, he was like, you're about to get punched in the face pile and then he was got you.

[00:36:40] And then so we get, we get pulled off the ferry and like, you know, they like put cones in front of our car,

[00:36:46] let all the other cars go, let us drive out to the, just to the end of the ride.

[00:36:51] And then like five cars, condescivics.

[00:36:55] There's a four to explore in the cop's sick.

[00:36:58] He was clearly like gang squad right?

[00:37:00] He had some uniform on and my body was like, oh, I want you to name.

[00:37:04] He's like, I don't look at the back city.

[00:37:06] Yeah, it's proper.

[00:37:08] Yeah, sure.

[00:37:09] He's like, yeah, we just have some volunteers helping them look in this as volunteer with a freaking

[00:37:14] stainless steel baretta.

[00:37:17] And then I, all your volunteers carry legal fires.

[00:37:23] And we're there for three hours.

[00:37:24] It took the panels off the doors.

[00:37:26] But both like dude, do you think we would actually travel together with anything?

[00:37:30] They'll be stupid, man.

[00:37:31] You know, and so they ended up finding some of my buddies.

[00:37:36] Me and he was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[00:37:39] We had a running trip.

[00:37:40] My friend Mark left that in here at 80 it.

[00:37:43] They didn't even end up charging us for that.

[00:37:46] So, but the point is, is like, they'll use whatever.

[00:37:50] They'll use whatever cars.

[00:37:51] Like in 1987 Honda Civic, the one that is driving like,

[00:37:54] Yeah, right?

[00:37:55] You're way about breaking down the middle of car chase.

[00:37:58] Anyway, family, hello, we get here.

[00:38:01] What do you got?

[00:38:02] What do you got going on there?

[00:38:03] See you up to something.

[00:38:05] Not just let's get a message, just giving.

[00:38:06] So I want to go back to that a little bit.

[00:38:08] I see some gaps in our systems.

[00:38:10] Of course, I see there's a gap in the weightless from getting into detoxes.

[00:38:16] I got leaving detox.

[00:38:18] The amount of people that die between detox and treatment is a long.

[00:38:21] It's ridiculous.

[00:38:22] It's the biggest drink in the armor and bar none.

[00:38:25] Right.

[00:38:25] Right.

[00:38:26] So that's a lot of that.

[00:38:26] That's quite a bit actually.

[00:38:28] And that's that's a number one.

[00:38:29] I think there's a gap in therapeutic support for people who have sustained some clean

[00:38:35] time or recovery time.

[00:38:36] That's right.

[00:38:37] It's a big gap in mental health period.

[00:38:39] That's right.

[00:38:39] So I think that by the time you're, you know,

[00:38:44] how many who's going to be able to afford 140 bucks an hour to come see me?

[00:38:49] Three years with kids, more ages, you know what I mean?

[00:38:52] We're about, I'm not covered by whatever we call it.

[00:38:57] We're about to see people getting a seat with it.

[00:38:59] Yeah, the health care, yeah, which is another gap.

[00:39:03] I think that you know, why is so mad?

[00:39:05] Everything's so mad at covered but anything mental health is not.

[00:39:10] And so I see gap there and then the other gap I see is like,

[00:39:13] you don't think about the amount of time that in myself or D.V.

[00:39:16] will spend on the phone with families.

[00:39:18] You know what I mean?

[00:39:19] And that's a huge gap as a support for families.

[00:39:22] The education for families around self-disuse disorder around social

[00:39:26] stigma around the history.

[00:39:29] I think it would be really good for everyone to know that every single policy around

[00:39:35] narcotics is born out of racism.

[00:39:37] I think that's a really important thing.

[00:39:40] And what that does to the relationship with the social tapestry and in alcohol,

[00:39:45] whereas we're all, I mean, you're in a relationship.

[00:39:48] You get a job, you take, you get a promotion, you drink, you get fired, you drink,

[00:39:53] you get married, you drink, you get divorced, you drink, you drink,

[00:39:56] you get divorced.

[00:39:56] So it's born and drinks.

[00:39:57] I mean, it's too stable.

[00:40:00] You drink, you know what I mean?

[00:40:02] Like, you know, there's this documentary called, the House of Limit,

[00:40:07] the phenomenal documentary.

[00:40:09] And it says like if the Chinese workers that were suppressed after the railroad was done,

[00:40:16] were prominent in alcohol, and the bourgeoisie of Canada,

[00:40:21] the United States, whatever, used Opium in their cultural practices,

[00:40:25] Then we would all be watching commercials about heroin sales and going to a heroin bar while people are selling them toilet

[00:40:32] Alcohol down on pasties

[00:40:35] You know what you mean and that's that's the reality of it. The reality is that heroin is a lot better for you

[00:40:41] You know and look at like pregnancies

[00:40:44] Painted season

[00:40:44] It's not fine, but it's a lot more manageable so I'm who's addicted to opiates that it is to an alcohol

[00:40:50] There's no damn straight there's no fetal opiates syndrome

[00:40:54] No, you know what I mean and so that just it just goes to show you that the stigma of a social impact has really

[00:41:01] Steued and miss represented what that that what that mold or that fungus does do even being opposed to like

[00:41:11] You know cannabis

[00:41:12] Is like yeah, like cannabis is

[00:41:16] Is illegal and alcohol isn't it's a crazy thing right? It really is really I'll get back to to the lack of resources

[00:41:21] And it's a perfect time to plug somebody like far because everything you just said right

[00:41:26] But far this family's prediction recovery

[00:41:27] He's you know one of our partners on the show here son even a plug it's

[00:41:32] Borderline PSA to to the family members that listen to this show, right?

[00:41:36] They are they are offering a ton of it's all free

[00:41:40] Right they offer peer to peer. They offer group therapy. They offer one on one

[00:41:44] You know, it's an amazing service. Why don't we have what do we have a

[00:41:49] Simply called the far tip

[00:41:52] You know what I mean watch this not I start everywhere

[00:41:55] Yeah, you know what I mean and you know we know why because we'd rather give

[00:42:01] Frickin what's his name we read let's just say two really give two a 55 million dollars to throw a football

[00:42:06] But we can't pay our teachers. We can't open more treatment beds

[00:42:10] We can't make more detoxes. We can't make more their period of processing opportunities like we really have screwed up our priorities here

[00:42:19] We put leisure and entertainment above all relative to spending

[00:42:25] Yeah, we do it's yeah, and like I don't know what you but it's a it's more important

[00:42:30] I love football, but it's more important for me for my children to get a good education

[00:42:34] It is for me to watch this Sunday ticket

[00:42:36] Yeah, yeah time down it is right. Yeah

[00:42:39] You know and and yeah, so so I think like I hope they copyrighted the cricket

[00:42:45] Because I think it needs it's needed everywhere

[00:42:48] Well, they do have a similar program. I can remember what it's called right now in the US

[00:42:52] But it's definitely it's an organization that's growing I'll be at a lot slower than I wish it would in Canada

[00:42:58] Right and for Canadian families and part of that though is not enough people know the exist

[00:43:03] As fortunately these days there is money that comes into resources like that as it gains popularity

[00:43:10] It will be in funding so that's part of our mission and part of our partnership with far as to help families

[00:43:15] Just to know the exist

[00:43:17] Right, yeah, which is you know, which is huge

[00:43:20] Lisa talks about it often as a family member for somebody with a SUD

[00:43:25] What they would have done for resource like that like what it would have met to their family

[00:43:29] Yeah, five years ago, you know just huge huge huge

[00:43:34] Even as a child in a

[00:43:37] Home of substance is disorder like the way that that was handled was

[00:43:41] Even even then was ashamed based it wasn't like this is your full but I would get to hold at a class over the

[00:43:49] P-A system P-A yeah, so whole school can hear Ryan to the counseling office

[00:43:55] Well, that just starts a rumor mill right away, right?

[00:43:58] And then I go sitting there and they go you know

[00:44:00] Your parents are drug addict somebody thanks for the fucking update

[00:44:06] Appreciate now what awful you know

[00:44:09] Like

[00:44:12] And I don't know what's the alternative put them in foster care like I don't and the amount of clients

[00:44:18] I've had that have been abused the foster care

[00:44:21] There's no way I would ever trust that system and I'm not saying any bad

[00:44:26] This is my experience with it. I don't know the ins and outs

[00:44:30] But you know like how do you?

[00:44:32] How do you let a kick-o-school with

[00:44:35] bruises and not doing about it?

[00:44:38] How do you let how do you let it you know you know I mean?

[00:44:41] I don't think there was a person in my orbit that didn't know the that everything I had said

[00:44:48] Was probably a lie to cover up an embarrassment

[00:44:52] That we were poor and and in addiction like

[00:44:56] You know it was like that the heck the side-tilt you know like hush your mom

[00:45:01] You're holy

[00:45:03] Yeah, and now we have some story off. She's taken a course or

[00:45:08] And to shift that now though to shift that now

[00:45:12] Granted it was it was later in your in your life especially if you're looking at how old you were

[00:45:17] Like from a

[00:45:19] Psychology perspective a psychological perspective right later in your life

[00:45:22] That it all happened but she found

[00:45:25] Your step down yeah, she found recovery

[00:45:28] And so that nuclear orbit all of a sudden extends out to like how much healthier is that for the entire family when that

[00:45:35] I mean it goes

[00:45:36] It goes from being the sun being an ecosystem

[00:45:42] Yeah, almost it's fast

[00:45:44] I like that metaphor. That metaphor gets it gets a thumbs up from Chris like a Philip's dude. It's not like a Philip's

[00:45:55] Not at all

[00:46:00] I can mord or to like an

[00:46:03] Elfish village everything is everything just started to be but I there was still the residuals and like

[00:46:09] You know as a product of trauma. I was a product of lies. I was a product of

[00:46:13] To see in all those things are not they're all consistent with the characteristics of substance use disorder

[00:46:20] Not personalized to an individual like that, you know and because I call them mom

[00:46:25] I call them dad they all the sudden they they carry these different pressures and these different responsibilities and like you know

[00:46:32] And that's something I had to like look at in my later years was like how much power do those three letters have

[00:46:38] And what kind of

[00:46:40] Expectations am I putting on these human beings because they bear those names and so I kind of looked at it like

[00:46:46] If they didn't have that title, I would treat them differently

[00:46:50] Yeah, I would have much more compassion out of much more understanding and so I had to figure that out nobody ever came along

[00:46:56] It said hey these are human beings and the substance use disorder here's the character's substance use disorder can't you identify?

[00:47:03] Yeah

[00:47:31] To fall into my own substance use disorder because I knew

[00:47:36] I didn't trust anybody

[00:47:37] I didn't have access to connection connection to me was pain and

[00:47:45] You know like not not to negate your sensibility, but I didn't have you got dead chats

[00:47:52] No, you know

[00:47:53] You mean and in the fact that I'm here talking to you about it is the fucking medical then it's up now and so

[00:47:59] You know if you're in a substance use disorder you got kids listen to this because they're being impacted

[00:48:04] The kids are being impacted in a brilliant negative way and it's not a moral failing

[00:48:09] It is substance use disorder and you do have options

[00:48:13] There are options to get help to make a change and ultimately like my mom got made that change because I was leaving

[00:48:20] I didn't know what I was doing but I had enough

[00:48:22] 14 years old. I was like, I don't know

[00:48:25] I said I made it up with with my father and my that was

[00:48:29] That was the wake-up. Wow. Yeah, and so she went to treatment in my life is better

[00:48:34] You know what I mean? Okay, I don't I don't know if actually got coincidental or

[00:48:38] And influence I have never asked it's kind of relevant, you know

[00:48:44] Why why why what's it apple card some? I don't

[00:48:49] Something like that. Yeah, there's an apple card

[00:48:52] Anyway yeah, so it's all right okay go ahead go ahead go go. Oh, I mean yeah, I see okay

[00:49:00] We have we all have an opportunity to do better for those that we impact and yeah we do

[00:49:08] And ultimately ourselves, but if I was gonna tell you that my sobrette was for me and there would be a lot

[00:49:14] In my sobrette is for who I need to be and ultimately for you know because I don't want this in my family

[00:49:22] Lineage anymore and I have an opportunity to break that chain and that's what I'm gonna do one way or another

[00:49:27] That's what I'm gonna do and so

[00:49:30] What I want what I feel doesn't matter you know, I'm gonna matter is what I do and yeah

[00:49:35] That's one foot in front of the other every time it's an investment into my kids future every meeting

[00:49:40] I go to every step I do every page of that big book I read every time I go and see my my therapist

[00:49:47] Every time I wake up in the morning and try to be the best version of myself all of those things are an investment in my children's future

[00:49:55] Yeah, yeah

[00:49:58] That's right. Oh, we could do this. Yeah, I like to fire it up right now

[00:50:03] Mostly what

[00:50:06] Daily gratitude they're brought to you by the

[00:50:09] Yachty trauma center here in Krabby Thailand where I'm inside those of you who are new to the platform

[00:50:14] I came to yatra center archaicety land from a healing journey at the Othro Center

[00:50:19] Almost a year ago now

[00:50:21] To experience a residential treatment program and it absolutely changed my life highly recommended

[00:50:25] If you're looking at private pay options

[00:50:28] You might just be surprised at the cost relative to other parts of the world and you can learn more about them and see a bunch of episodes at Mike Miller

[00:50:34] You had clinician to start it if you get to hwpocast.com slash trauma and what are you grateful for today right my

[00:50:41] My home as an organism not as a structure okay in in comprehensive nature

[00:50:48] I'm grateful for understanding I'm grateful for second chances

[00:50:52] I am I'm grateful for

[00:50:55] those that went to judgment and really

[00:50:59] Remove themselves from my life through character six that I do not find attractive and no honest around myself with

[00:51:05] And I don't mean that any deficit weight. Oh, I'm actually

[00:51:08] I'm grateful that my world is smaller because of

[00:51:12] Because of things that I don't want to attach to and the freedom I have to make those choices about who I surround myself in the life that I want to live

[00:51:20] And I and on the other side that I'm grateful for the people some of which were shocked to me that showed up

[00:51:26] That have been there and like text this morning from a guy that's text me every other day

[00:51:32] for six months that never really I didn't talk too much before you know and and and

[00:51:38] You know people are people of a pure heart or just a fucking gift man

[00:51:43] And and I love that I am in a place that I can appreciate that

[00:51:49] Now yeah, and then of course my beautiful family man, Kami and Mackie and Rhea and my mom

[00:51:57] You know you know she interrupts a little bit

[00:51:59] I'm gonna try and braille next time or can't maybe alone Cantonese just for that reason

[00:52:04] I don't know some of our work you

[00:52:08] Stop it. I got to cut this part out. Okay

[00:52:12] Fuck, it's your mom. Okay. Yeah

[00:52:14] I self I am grateful for it's something I really don't know if I've ever used my gratitude is my little brother Levi

[00:52:20] Who

[00:52:23] He's he's consistently

[00:52:25] Since I've come to Thailand and it's coming up on a year now

[00:52:28] Has message me at least a couple times a week

[00:52:32] Like all the time sometimes it's just to share a real or mean

[00:52:35] But it's beyond us these days that's kind of communication which we want to before right so contact this connection

[00:52:40] Yeah, right and I appreciate him immensely for that

[00:52:44] He's a hell of a hell of a little brother right in some ways

[00:52:48] Over the last couple years he's been a big brother

[00:52:50] So I love the guy so I'm taking memories

[00:52:54] Right, no no don't be dopey

[00:52:58] I'm also grateful to every single person who continues to support us watching listening and talking about

[00:53:03] Never get those buttons down at bottom like comment share subscribe whatever platform you're on

[00:53:08] Which time you do these things?

[00:53:09] It keeps me living my best life my best life is to continue looking on how we're living spreading the message and the message is this

[00:53:16] If you're an active addiction right now today could be that day to take you to the day that you start a life long journey

[00:53:21] We show to a friend reach out to a family and we're calling to detox go to a meeting pray go to church

[00:53:24] I don't care do whatever it is you got to do to get that journey started

[00:53:27] And if you have a loved one who's suffering in addiction right now

[00:53:30] You just take the time listen to this conversation

[00:53:31] You just take one more minute out of your day and tech set person let them know they're loved use the words you are loved

[00:53:38] That little river full just might be the thing that brings it back