211- KALEIDOSCOPE WED - MY MOM WAS AN ADDICT

Chuck LaFLange (00:01.59)
All right, so now that we have kind of an idea of, you know, what we're all doing here in this episode, and you know, a peek behind the curtain, this is kind of a new thing for all of us here, but I think it's a very important one. Dominic, as the son of two people who suffered an addiction, what are your first memories? Where does all this, to you, become a part of your story, as far as your recollection goes, anyway?

Dominic Surette (00:30.571)
Mm-hmm. Well, I remember there being just a very chaotic environment in our household. And I don't have too many memories that would kind of put together any dots.

But after hearing like lots of stories from my mother, from father, other family members, it makes it a little bit easier. But I'd say probably like around eight years old is when like I have like memories at start. And I just remember, I know that my mom, I don't have too like many memories of being like around her. I do have

some memories of being with my dad, which most of those were us playing video games together, which those are pretty fond memories, like Resident Evil 5 and Super Mario Bros. And I remember, I don't remember exactly when it was that they like, when my dad went to

or and I want to came to Athens for recovery. Or just left the house in general was well before that even. It's almost like a it's a weird transition even though I know that it was a set point that it like happened. It felt like it feels like a transition in my memory. But I do know the chaos and also caused amongst like

the rest of our family in the household. And that's where a lot more of my memories come in, which a lot of it is my grandmother, my mother's mother, and my uncle, her brother, my mother's brother. There was always a lot of fighting between them about, usually about my mother, my father.

Chuck LaFLange (02:35.893)
Mm-mm.

Dominic Surette (02:45.718)
And then also, of course, about me being like around that environment. And I just know that caused a lot of like turmoil in me. And it really made it like, I just remember almost every night waking up in the middle of the night and then just hearing screaming and shouting between like my grandmother and my uncle. And I just remember that it would always like really have sent me to the point that.

Now if I hear like fighting, it kind of like has a trauma response of like really bad anxiety for me. So it just like, it influenced me very heavily.

RBK Kaleidoscope (03:31.672)
Can I ask a question?

Chuck LaFLange (03:33.716)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (03:36.742)
Do you still wake up in the middle of the night just screaming and fighting in your head?

Dominic Surette (03:44.402)
Um, no, but if like on the rare occasion that they do fight, it is like some of the worst anxiety that I like have to the point where like I used to be prescribed um, upon opinions of not wouldn't even help like even like.

RBK Kaleidoscope (04:08.922)
Oh yeah, me too man. I was on all kinds of, all kinds of pharmaceuticals for many years for the same, the same, I mean, basically the same thing. And like, you know, in, in my span, um, it, it actually, there's some questions that come up for me, um, that are quite experiential in that, um, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, okay. I'm gonna ask you, I'm gonna ask you some questions.

And if some of them are uncomfortable, like you don't have to answer, just to be clear. Like, you know, I'm not okay with it. And me too, but I'm also a therapist and I do understand trauma. And I know that having boundaries and limits are extremely important to know when we're entering into some more of the tender things. And so I guess the first question I wanna ask you and this,

Dominic Surette (04:44.64)
So, yeah. And open book.

RBK Kaleidoscope (05:05.358)
I mean, I have a personal thing here. The question comes from my own experience. So that question is, do you remember ever or when the moment was when you ultimately discovered what you knew to be safety?

Dominic Surette (05:16.717)
I'm going to go ahead and turn it over to you. So, I'm going to go ahead and turn it over to you. So, I'm

Dominic Surette (05:28.167)
Safety, like safety, like physical safety or to feel safe. That was.

RBK Kaleidoscope (05:31.744)
to feel safe. It really doesn't matter to feel safe. Yeah, sorry, go ahead.

Dominic Surette (05:41.698)
That was honestly probably like, fairly recently in my life, like, at the very least in like, my teenage years. Like I honestly had like, just no feeling of like-

RBK Kaleidoscope (05:46.446)
Yes, yes, yes.

Dominic Surette (05:59.106)
There was, when I was very young, I just didn't understand. And I was just kind of like blank to it. Absorbing it all, definitely. But very like blank to basically how to react to it. Because it's like even as an adult processing some of that stuff kind of takes time. But I do know that.

RBK Kaleidoscope (06:27.13)
Yeah, sure does. So it was recently, right?

Dominic Surette (06:29.738)
It was... Yeah, it was probably in like my high school years, to be honest.

RBK Kaleidoscope (06:36.73)
Yeah. I think for me, if you don't mind, I discovered it in a Southern comfort bottle at 10 years old. It was the first time I ever really got a feeling of what, what safety was. And I'm going to say peace because I didn't know either of those things at all. All I knew was chaos. I knew I was afraid to be at home and I was afraid of people finding out what was going on at home.

So out in the world I wasn't safe, and in my own household I wasn't safe. And so, but when I drank that bottle of Southern Comfort in behind 7-Eleven, it was my first escape or break from the chaos. Does that make sense?

Dominic Surette (07:20.098)
Yeah. I know. Um,

RBK Kaleidoscope (07:21.986)
And then, but it was fake. It was fake ultimately, right? Yeah, sorry, go ahead.

Dominic Surette (07:25.918)
Mm-hmm. A chemical-induced comfort. But I know, and I'm sure a lot of other, like, especially men sympathize with this, just the bathroom, just being able to lock myself in there and have nobody, like, bother me, and also having, like, a bathroom fan so I can kind of drown out some of that noise because Alex didn't have a phone at the time or anything to, like, listen to music on.

RBK Kaleidoscope (07:30.104)
Yeah, oh yeah.

Dominic Surette (07:55.646)
Um, just anything that would drown out that like stimuli that was causing like so much turmoil and trauma was, it felt safer, but it didn't really feel like safety. So.

RBK Kaleidoscope (08:09.99)
Right, yeah. And...

Dominic Surette (08:11.914)
Which that I, um, I really discovered that more in like high school when I started to get like into, like, I started to use the internet a lot more and like, I would be either always listening to music or watching YouTube, just having some type of content or media come into my brain. So I didn't have to listen to my own thoughts.

because they were not always the best.

RBK Kaleidoscope (08:45.722)
Well, if you think about it, it's like, how can we expect our thoughts to not be chaotic when our entire world is chaotic? You know, we are what we know. You know, and so that makes sense. You know, like for me, it was the 80s, so it was way different, but I played sports, you know, and that's what I did. And I read books. And so I know, you know, it's not a lot different because the same ultimate outcome happened, which was I was not thinking about the entire...

Dominic Surette (08:52.826)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (09:15.602)
chaos that just existed everywhere I went and instead I was, you know, either focusing on a ball or immersed in the landscape of some literature prose that kept me, you know, and so like that was much more of a safety thing than, you know, what I got into after which would be, you know, booze and drugs and, you know, that stuff that did that, that also took me out of that.

Dominic Surette (09:31.121)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (09:44.57)
But it created its own monster within itself as the years went on. You know, and you said you're 19?

Dominic Surette (09:54.517)
Yes sir. 19, going to be 20 in June.

RBK Kaleidoscope (09:57.33)
and seems like 19 going on 40.

to me. I-

Dominic Surette (10:04.054)
I get told different things. I get told different things either I look like way older than I am or it's like Oh, just like your mother. I didn't realize you were like 19. Oh, right.

RBK Kaleidoscope (10:09.122)
No, no. I mean you sit, I mean you sound as in what you have, what you have did, what you've done is you have exercised, in my opinion, the greatest phenomena of the human condition, which is the strength of resiliency. And that resiliency is in my, like from what I see in this short time, is the foundation of Dominic and everything that you're...

capable of in this world resounds from that ability to go through such difficult things and be able to turn that into something that you're sitting on a podcast helping people as we speak. There are people listening to you that have gone through the same experiences that you and I have, although the places and things might be different, but all the feelings are the same. And that is going to be able to be translatable into somebody else's life, into somebody else's life, and the domino effect goes on, all because

of being forced into having a high capacity for resiliency.

Dominic Surette (11:15.691)
Yeah, it's either like, when you're in that environment, it like, it makes or breaks you. Which all the time it'll break you but that breaking is breaking you down and then you get built back up. So makes you stronger.

RBK Kaleidoscope (11:15.986)
Does that make sense?

Chuck LaFLange (11:16.035)
Hmm.

RBK Kaleidoscope (11:31.191)
Yeah, you know, like...

Chuck LaFLange (11:31.658)
Speaking to, if I can interject here, and just a curiosity thing here. Ryan, you said it, right? I mean, this young man sounds way beyond his years, right? Not just in your intelligence, but in what seems to be an inherent ability to be introspective under your own shit, and that's that people will go a lifetime without the kind of introspection that you've shown us so far.

Dominic Surette (11:58.662)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (11:59.162)
Many will go a lifetime. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (12:01.166)
or most people even, I would offer, right? So where my curiosity comes, and you're right, you're very right, where my curiosity comes from is these revelations about safety and distraction that you've shared with us so far, is that something that comes with hindsight? Is that when you were doing that in the moments?

Dominic Surette (12:03.125)
Sometimes their entire life.

Chuck LaFLange (12:25.29)
Is that something that you realize or is it something that you think back and okay, that's what I was doing. And it's, this is just from a curiosity standpoint, right? Like a lens of curiosity, I guess, would be the right way to say that.

Dominic Surette (12:37.494)
I think it's kind of half and half because I do know and to onto another like another

place or a time when I felt safe was when I would play video games with my dad. It was like, it would just be me and whatever game we were playing. And it just felt like that was all that there was and all the crime of the chaos just never happened. But, um, some of the more like obvious things like that I felt in the time, which is more just like me looking back and remembering how I felt.

during those times because it's like those are the only times when I'd really feel like happy and calm and like

RBK Kaleidoscope (13:26.812)
Peaceful.

Dominic Surette (13:26.978)
Just, yeah, peaceful. And.

Chuck LaFLange (13:29.562)
peaceful. Well, great answer, man. Great answer, right? I don't want you to feel pressured to answer that any more eloquently than you have. And I mean, certainly if you have some more detail to offer, by all means, I don't mean to cut you off. I just, I want to take the pressure off of you to feel like you have to go into a big explanation about that. Because I think you certainly answered my question anyway, right? But, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (13:51.75)
So can I touch down on that a second? To me there's something really cool in that, in what you expressed there. I think that anything that we experience as we walk this Earth that transcends time and space becomes one of those moments that we don't ever forget, whether it be retrospect or while we're in it. And you spoke to nothing else existing but you, your father in that game. And that...

really, I mean, let's take the game out of it, because really that's just a medium. And so this connection happens between you and your father and time stops essentially. All's there is, is that moment. And that to me, in the work that I do, is what we would call paradigm shift, where...

We are in concert with the earth as it's spinning around the sun. And it happens through the medium of emotion. So that peaceful feeling is the feeling of life itself. So that was a can of the dry. That was a can of the dry can.

Dominic Surette (14:52.206)
I'm going to turn it over to the next speaker. So I'm going to turn it over to the next speaker.

Best for engine control.

RBK Kaleidoscope (15:06.37)
All right. Sorry, squirrel, shiny things. Dude, Canada Dry Ginger Ale, represent. We did something right. Sorry, okay, what was I saying? So, and then Chris asked that question of like, is that a retrospect or I did in the moment happening? And I think that like,

Dominic Surette (15:10.247)
I can't drink any of the ginger ale.

Dominic Surette (15:16.594)
Thank you.

Dominic Surette (15:21.95)
It's amazing.

RBK Kaleidoscope (15:35.606)
I think we have to learn, we have to train ourselves to be able to be in the moment and understand that a moment is happening while it's happening all at once. And that takes wisdom.

Dominic Surette (15:46.418)
Especially, yeah, especially now with like, everybody's just constantly on social media or constantly just distracting themselves. And it's like, you're just watching like

the beauty of the earth just like passed by you like, or you're not even watching it. You're watching videos on Twitter and Facebook while like, you could be outside like looking at nature, you could just be sitting alone with your own thoughts and just like experiencing like life, like you said.

RBK Kaleidoscope (16:18.382)
Yes, being plugged in is such a rare occurrence.

Dominic Surette (16:21.451)
Yeah.

Yeah, which I like, I really started to like, not like learn because you kind of like a natural ability to do that, but to learn how to like, focus that ability and like concentrate it so that way you can just like, you can go out and like, not have to constantly be like looking at something, watching something, listening to something, and you can just...

sit there and just enjoy the world.

RBK Kaleidoscope (16:59.647)
Yeah, enjoy the world. And like, you know, I talk, we talk about this all the time here, like the noise, you know, how I think that you said it. I think you said it right. We all have an innate nature to be able to be connectable to the entire universe. But the things that we go through in life, they don't tell us that, hey, this is making you stronger so you can connect better.

Dominic Surette (17:01.527)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (17:25.834)
And if we don't learn an emotional intelligence to go along with that, we are so quick to shut it out because we become fearful of what is because it's real, because it's not a one and a zero or some algorithm. But it is actually the rhythm of the world, the rhythm of life happening as we are present. And to be present in life is a really difficult thing to do on a daily basis, even for those that know everything about it. And, you know, like...

Dominic Surette (17:51.963)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (17:53.434)
We've got monks meditating for 18 hours a day to try and understand that. And I don't meditate for 18 hours a day. I don't know if I, I don't meditate for 18 hours in a year, probably. Um, yet I still want to be somebody who experiences life as it's happening and be able to appreciate, uh, very, um, empathic moments as I'm in them as, as a, as a partner of that connection. And so.

Chuck LaFLange (17:56.615)
Thank you.

RBK Kaleidoscope (18:20.958)
What these ones and zeros do is they essentially give us fake connection. Just like my connection with peace and that liquor bottle. And it never gave me peace, but I thought it was. I have friends online. I don't really, they're not my friends. I don't know them, but I think I do. And I actually don't. I'm Generation X. I don't have friends online.

Dominic Surette (18:46.674)
I don't have really too many friends right now either. I have, to be honest right now, I'm just with one good real friend of mine, which I don't live anywhere near him, so that's like, my connection with him is online at the moment. But I did at least meet him.

RBK Kaleidoscope (18:49.828)
Yeah

Chuck LaFLange (19:04.498)
Hey brother, I'll jump in on that and say one of the most important relationships I have is with this man right here, Ryan. And we haven't seen each other face to face. I think we saw each other for a minute close to 20 years ago, right? In passing, right? So, you know, yeah, so more than 20 years ago, right? But yes, that online friendship is it's one of the most important relationships of my life. So there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not all bad.

RBK Kaleidoscope (19:16.355)
2001. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (19:29.15)
Yeah. Well, it's not, but I think, I think there are, like for me, I need to have something before that. I need to have a human connection before I go to the platform. It's for me to make authentic connection through the platform I have a difficult time with personally. And then, you know, as a counselor, I prefer counseling in person than be online, you know, and for those reasons, because there's something to be said about.

Dominic Surette (19:29.298)
It's just that connection with another person.

RBK Kaleidoscope (19:55.686)
the matched emotional frequency that happens when two people connect in a vulnerable way. And that is what transcends space and time. That is the evolution of humankind through the medium of emotional connection. You know, and so that, like...

Dominic Surette (20:06.996)
Yeah.

being in person just has a different kind of intimacy to it. So you really just like, you're able to like.

RBK Kaleidoscope (20:14.468)
Oh, devil.

Dominic Surette (20:19.382)
you're just like able to really like bounce off of each other's like emotions or vibes or whatever you want to call it. But it's like, you don't really need to, um, you don't really need to express it too much with which a lot of people have difficulty doing that. But like your body language expresses it naturally and our brains pick up on that. And that helps us to like, just connect in a way that we don't even have to really try to like,

RBK Kaleidoscope (20:27.375)
You know, it...

Dominic Surette (20:49.122)
forcefully.

RBK Kaleidoscope (20:50.598)
Totally, it's actually a science behind it. And the belief is that we all carry emotions at different frequencies. And so when two human beings come into the same space, I might be carrying a lower, maybe a sad energy or something. And then Chris comes in with a smile and a high energy. Naturally, I will match that smile. Smiles are contagious, you know that whole thing? Because...

when a smile comes in the room or laughter comes in the room, anything that's low will rise to it. And that's where the connection happens. And so connection is meeting emotional energy where it's at. And that's how we make the human connection. And so that's why when you talk about doing speaker events, they always say lead with a joke, because that unifies the emotional energy in the room to laughter and then everyone's together.

So what you're saying is absolutely right, and there's proven science behind it. And so that human connection, the human contact, you just can't simulate that.

Dominic Surette (21:55.03)
Yeah, it's even with the even with the most advanced VR, it says we can like in the future we could probably like even feel people it's still not the same as being there because you can't represent every single facial muscle you can't represent every single like muscle in their body like either being like tense relaxed and we pick up on that as like

RBK Kaleidoscope (21:55.662)
Because you can't simulate human emotion.

Dominic Surette (22:22.37)
We pick up on that because it's built into our nature to be able to like, feel and understand what other people are feeling to help us to like, know what we should be feeling because in like nature, if you see somebody that's like scared, you're like, Hmm, maybe I should, uh, watch out because there might be something around. It's like, I should watch out for.

And then the same goes to the opposite way where like having good vibes like, Oh, I can relax. I don't have to be worried. I can just be here.

Chuck LaFLange (23:04.51)
Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

RBK Kaleidoscope (23:06.234)
Yeah, it's funny how people can do that for us. Like we just be around them and it shifts us. You know what I mean? Like, but I was, can I shift a little?

Chuck LaFLange (23:12.256)
Mm-hmm.

Dominic Surette (23:18.709)
Hmm?

Chuck LaFLange (23:18.784)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (23:20.322)
I always like, I spent a lot of time thinking about like, you know, I'm 45 and it feels like I've been an adult for 45 years, you know what I mean? Like, and when I was younger, I used to get that, that same thing of being an old soul or, you know, 15 going on 30, like that whole thing. And I think like,

There's kind of a sadness that comes along with that because being in that world of constant chaos and really not having any structure or anything that I can anticipate, it did some things for me. One thing it did was it ended my childhood at a very young age. And so I had to be an adult from a very young age. I see you shaking your head.

Can you relate to that?

Dominic Surette (24:19.947)
A lot. I really don't feel like, I feel like I just, when you're in that kind of environment, you kind of have to grow up quick, because it's like, that's the only way that you can like deal with it, because you have to be able to deal with those kind of things, because you're just

forced into that environment as like, like if you're forced in that kind of environment as a child, you can't really just go out into the woods and like live on your own like an eight year old. Like it, you're kind of stuck there and you just have to deal with it.

RBK Kaleidoscope (24:54.954)
And even then, you can't be a child if you did that. Playing in the cul-de-sac and digging dinky cars? Whatever they're called. Digging roads, making garages in the back garden, all that, it's all gone. And you're instantly put in a state of...

Dominic Surette (24:58.658)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (25:11.758)
Good.

RBK Kaleidoscope (25:21.982)
of survival, you know, to, because I mean, when I'm in constant fear, I'm in a constant state of fight or flight. Now, what I will say, Dominic, is that there's been something really magical about that process, and I've turned it into a career. And what happened is, is I was a safety seeker, I seek safety because I didn't have any. And what that what I invariably learned about that is I learned how to read people.

And in the beginning it was about reading people to see who was dangerous, how I'm going to get out of this room if anything goes off, where my exits are, what I'm going to hit them with, you know, all the scenarios. And then as I got older and understood that I did not need to be a safety seeker any longer, I kind of flipped it or expanded it to be able to feel people. Not just what if they were dangerous, but if they were hurt or if they were excited or whatever that emotion might be.

And so I took the safety-seeking skillset I learned as a necessity for survival and turned it into what I am today, which is a counselor. I deal with emotions on a daily basis. Do you, can you think of anything like that story that you've cultivated from growing up in a world of chaos? Like, you know, and I bet you a lot of who you are in a very positive way.

is a result of that. I'm just wondering if you have any thoughts on that.

Dominic Surette (26:55.013)
Yeah, absolutely.

Um, as like, because of all of like the trauma and turmoil that I like, endured, um, a lot of my, all the time where it would have been a child of like, uh, normal kid, I was kind of really just depressed, anxious, just not mentally healthy. And that has caused me to like, now I don't want.

RBK Kaleidoscope (27:20.506)
Mm-hmm.

Dominic Surette (27:25.65)
anybody else to ever have to like feel that way. And so that's like, what I would love to do as a career in life as a job is just to like

research, like I love like everything about the brain. It's just fascinating to me because it's we know less about the human brain than we do about like our universe. Like it's crazy how much we don't know even though we know so much and it made me want to like

made me want to find ways to help people. So when I was a little bit younger, I would like, I wanted to be a counselor, but also I, because I was in an environment where drugs were very

Dominic Surette (28:32.778)
were like very fascinating to me and like how they affect you. And so basically my dream job is to research medicines, like help people with depression, anxiety that are like medicines that aren't.

that aren't like addictive medicines like benzos and stuff like that where it's.

Dominic Surette (29:03.082)
Or an alarm. I just.

Dominic Surette (29:10.126)
Let me back off real quick.

RBK Kaleidoscope (29:12.432)
No problem.

Dominic Surette (29:14.85)
So being around drugs from such a young age, it just made me very interested in them. And I always wondered, how does this work? How does it make it? How does having this chemical in you change so much stuff about your brain to make you feel completely different, act completely different? Just...

change your entire like mindset and I just want to find a way to help people to like be able to be happy on their own as well as like some people some people they just like have a like there's some circuits they're just like

aren't connected the right way in their brain because of either you were born with that or because of things that happened in your childhood. And I just like to see how we can um how we can look at that and find out. Okay so like this makes you very like

This makes you just peaceful, calm, like at peace with the world, but also not like...

not like how many things will be like using something to numb it, where I want to look for something where it's like you're able to experience that on your own and like, well, you may have to start out taking medicine to get you somewhere to where you were able to like gain a foothold. My ultimate goal is to...

RBK Kaleidoscope (31:17.81)
Mm-hmm.

Dominic Surette (31:22.53)
find some way to basically make it so that.

No, nobody has to really experience the feelings that I had to growing up. Are we still negative forms?

RBK Kaleidoscope (31:36.502)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (31:36.622)
Can I? I'll jump in on that for a second. When you first started speaking this last go around Dominic, you said other kids normal kids. I think from my, albeit limited exposure to people that have been in your position and to life and whatever, the things that hosting the show has done for me and the people it's exposed me to, I think it's important for people to know normal.

is like what is normal, you know what I mean? Two of my favorite people, Dr. Lisa, who's my weekend co-host, and a friend of hers, Shan Berness, who was just on last week here, we did an entire episode. Those two ladies went to school together, right? Like young, because they were in the same small town growing up. Both of them felt very similar. Neither of them had any idea. They both looked at the other person thinking, this person is cool.

Dominic Surette (32:08.388)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (32:33.014)
This person is good. This like they had no idea that the other person felt the same way they did. So when you say normal, I just think, well, what is normal? Right. How yours, your upbringing would not be stereotypical for certain. Right. But is it, but normal those, those feelings that you have and have had, I think. I'd offer that maybe they are the norm. Right. And then, and if we can kind of embrace that with each other and understand that and

Dominic Surette (32:58.294)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (33:01.938)
Understand that we don't know what's going on in somebody else's brain ever You know that we'll be doing pretty good, right? So

RBK Kaleidoscope (33:10.203)
Isn't it shame that tells us we're not normal?

Chuck LaFLange (33:13.411)
Yeah, yeah, it is. It is. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Dominic Surette (33:16.914)
I mean, we're all different, so different is normal. And when you look at some people who are fully mentally stable, they have everything going for them, they look kind of like the weird ones, to be honest. It's like they didn't experience a large majority of us experience at least some difficulty to troubles growing up. And like,

RBK Kaleidoscope (33:17.07)
Even though we don't know what normal is. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (33:23.259)
Yeah. Right. Well said.

RBK Kaleidoscope (33:43.946)
I think we have to. Because I bet you even those people that we look at that look stable, they had to go through shit to get there.

Dominic Surette (33:45.759)
Yeah. End.

Chuck LaFLange (33:52.502)
Yeah, right. And are probably still going through more shit than we could possibly realize. Right. You know, that's the reality of that. Right. You know, Dominic, I kind of want to shift gears here on you, if you don't mind. Well, even if you do mind, it's my show. I get to host. I'm just kidding. I'm going to do it anyway. Yeah, it's just a platitude Listen, at some point, and I'm sorry, I don't remember. I think your mom's at seven years now since she's been in recovery. I think. Yeah. OK. Oh, yeah. Eight. I'm almost sure it is. Right. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (33:53.754)
You know what? Yeah! Yeah?

RBK Kaleidoscope (34:05.266)
He's gonna do it anyway.

Dominic Surette (34:17.001)
7 or 8.

RBK Kaleidoscope (34:21.722)
Mess that up.

Chuck LaFLange (34:23.242)
Yeah, hey, I can't even keep track of my own days, never mind somebody else's, right? You know, so at one point your mom shifts gears drastically, right? And I think, I think like you said early on in the episode, there is a set point when that happens, but that is very much a transition too, right? Be it in memory or in actuality, there's a massive transition in there.

RBK Kaleidoscope (34:28.206)
Yeah, stop counting.

Chuck LaFLange (34:49.426)
And there's layers of transition in that, which I'm just coming to discover about myself as well. There's a point where it's about staying sober and there's a point where it's about growing and there's all these things. Of course, faith being a big part of your mom's recovery too, that's gonna add another layer in there. Yet, you stayed living with your grandma throughout that time.

Chuck LaFLange (35:12.895)
I want to ask about when the relationship, as you remember it, and that's what's important. It's not about how anybody else remembers it, as you remember it. When does that start to improve with your mom? When does that, how does that process look for you?

Dominic Surette (35:28.476)
I remember.

I don't remember exactly when, but I do remember at some point it was, I learned that my mom was staying in Athens, and so she was pretty far away and she would come to visit, or occasionally we would go and visit her. And just through each visit, just connecting and being there, that's kind of when it started to like improve really.

Which I don't-

RBK Kaleidoscope (36:03.622)
Is it almost like the foot, the... Sorry.

Dominic Surette (36:06.358)
I don't remember an exact set time, but I just know that at one point that started happening and that was when it really started to like improve.

RBK Kaleidoscope (36:19.03)
The slowly there's this film or a fog that seems to go to clear up and then behind that fog is that person that you didn't know but have always known was there. It's like it's like

You know, years and years of the previews until you finally get to see the show. You know, and I know like, my mom went to treatment when I was 14. And my response was, uh, okay. Like I fucking bet, okay. My sister broke into our house and put a 60 pounder of my mom's favorite drink on the table for her to come home to.

RBK Kaleidoscope (37:15.578)
let's fucking see it. Cause we didn't believe it. We didn't believe anything she said. And so my mom got home and poured it out. And that toss was like, okay, we'll give her a chance, I guess, but up into that. And you know, to be honest with you, it took me many years to believe anything, even past years and years and how many step nine she did with me. And it was just like, whatever, you know, and that was mine.

I mean, I'm also really sensitive and easily hurt. And the lies are what killed me. Like eventually it was just like, fuck you. You know what I mean? But then it got really good. Then it got really good. And then my shit started coming up. So then it got really bad. So, but it was good for her. Nah, it wasn't even good for her because like, you know, with my shit, she ends up blaming herself and my sister died.

Chuck LaFLange (38:04.777)
Hehe

Dominic Surette (38:04.846)
Thanks for watching.

RBK Kaleidoscope (38:14.178)
of a poisoning and you know, I can't even imagine what the guilt she still walks around with today around that. And so like, not to interject into what you're saying there, but I know that the moment that Namaste happens, that I see you, I see who you are, and I've never seen it before, and through sober eyes.

Dominic Surette (38:42.883)
So, I'm going to go ahead and start the presentation. presentation of the presentation of the presentation of the presentation of the presentation of the

Chuck LaFLange (38:43.774)
So let's speak to that then, Dominic. There's a long process there for you to try and pinpoint anything that's hard. If possible at all. Can you think though of a moment when you saw, not the moment you did see, but a moment when you saw, and just when you looked at your mom and went, fuck yeah, right? And maybe that was yesterday, maybe that was five years ago, maybe it was seven years ago, whatever.

RBK Kaleidoscope (39:01.466)
something impactful.

Chuck LaFLange (39:11.314)
Is there any of those moments for you where you're just like, yeah. Right? And maybe there isn't even, right? But, you know...

Dominic Surette (39:19.082)
I think it was probably just like when she started like helping other people with the recovery being a recovery coach and especially when she started like her YouTube and everything that was just like good fucking job like she's very proud. And

RBK Kaleidoscope (39:36.75)
Yeah, yeah. Proud, so good work. I'm proud of your mom. How often could you say that for the first 14 years? Or first 10 years? Do you know what I mean? I don't know about you, but I was never proud of either of my parents while they were using.

Chuck LaFLange (39:37.73)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (39:47.031)
I'm sorry.

Chuck LaFLange (39:50.926)
Yep.

Hmm.

Dominic Surette (39:53.93)
Yeah, for me, for me, I wouldn't like they were so, I never really kind of understood it. I just knew that there was kind of a absence of her presence there. And I just, I don't really know if I had any thoughts about it just because we had like.

We had my mom, uncle, aunt, grandmother, and then our great, great grandmother living in the house. So there was a lot of people there. So it was just like, I was always around somebody. But I'm, I like.

RBK Kaleidoscope (40:36.475)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (40:37.198)
Wow.

Chuck LaFLange (40:42.045)
Mm-hmm.

Dominic Surette (40:49.666)
I tell her all the time that sometimes I feel like she doesn't believe me. I'm like, you cannot really do something that I won't eventually forgive you for. And like, honestly, I usually am just like, instantly just like, okay, I understand. Just because I'm just a very understanding person that other people have their own things that happen to them and it affects you how it affects you and.

We all deal with it in our own different ways. And as long as you come out on the other side, better and stronger. I'm good with that.

RBK Kaleidoscope (41:29.378)
So you think you're naturally understanding or do you think it's, is it nature or nurture?

Dominic Surette (41:36.516)
Um...

Probably like a mix of both.

Although I will say that around like mid high school, it got like, it went exponentially more when I started to experience like more things myself. I'm like, okay, I see like why people act the way that they do and I understand. And it's like, yeah, things happen. And we all deal with it in.

our own ways, but in the end, we're all human beings. Like we all have to deal with it in some way.

Chuck LaFLange (42:20.89)
So here's the real test then Dominic. Do you give yourself that much room?

Dominic Surette (42:28.506)
It's more difficult, but recently I have been, um, I have been like better with it. Uh, to the point where like, it's like, yeah, these things happen, but it's like.

Like, that's all that I knew at that time. So what else was I going to do unless I was like, gonna be some crazy, like, just inventing my own ways to like, deal with stuff, which I mean, I feel like that's kind of like what children's imagination is, like when they just go and play with imaginary friends to like avoid whatever.

is go like whatever situation is happening or whatever they're dealing with at the time. I feel like that's kinda like what that is.

Chuck LaFLange (43:20.51)
I think that's exactly what that is, but go ahead, Ryan. Yeah, yeah. Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (43:23.239)
I just want to quote Huggy Bear.

RBK Kaleidoscope (43:28.38)
You know who Huggy Bear is?

Chuck LaFLange (43:30.09)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, maybe Dominic doesn't, but yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (43:33.931)
Right? I'm talking Snoop Dogg, Huggy Bear. Okay?

Chuck LaFLange (43:37.506)
Oh, okay, okay. Well, make a quote, make a quote.

RBK Kaleidoscope (43:41.094)
To be of error is to be human. To be of forgiveness is to be divine.

Chuck LaFLange (43:48.731)
Oh, oh from the movie from I can't remember the name of it, but yeah, yeah It's always Wilson and uh, yeah, they got the car. Oh Oh, what is it men still or no one wilson? Yeah Ah, I can't think of it now

RBK Kaleidoscope (43:53.602)
What is it called? Come on, it's the old TV show. Ben Stiller.

RBK Kaleidoscope (44:04.69)
This is gonna drive me crazy. This is a TV show we used to watch after school. Yes, that's a Starsky and Hutch quote. Jaguar, yeah. Yeah, but I mean, you know, forgiveness, man, it's the easiest, softer way, I hate to say. Whatever I don't forgive is my burden to carry, not the other person's.

Chuck LaFLange (44:09.134)
Start skiing Hutch. Start skiing Hutch. There you go. Gold star Chuck's fucking chart. Okay.

Dominic Surette (44:26.846)
Yeah.

Dominic Surette (44:33.534)
Yeah. Yeah, holding.

RBK Kaleidoscope (44:35.918)
And so I'm gonna lug that shit around.

Dominic Surette (44:39.198)
Yeah, holding those, like holding resentment against people, it really just like, weighs you down because you, you think about it constantly, maybe not constantly, but it always comes up at some point. And once you like, once you forgive, it's just like, it's past now. It's in the past, it's gone. You don't have to really like

Chuck LaFLange (44:40.279)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (44:53.134)
Yeah, it's a prison, without a doubt.

Dominic Surette (45:08.582)
vlog it around and think about it. Are we snogging such a, at least not in a negative light.

RBK Kaleidoscope (45:11.906)
Yeah, just another weight off our shoulders. No, and then, and that's a really good way to look at that because then is the opportunity for cultivation. That's how we make meaning. This is why struggle is our greatest asset. It's our greatest teacher. And you know, like I'm with you, like I don't want my kids to go through the shit I went through, but some they have to, and it's not up to me. In order for them to be alive, to get the skills that are required, to have consciousness and to have the ability to be connectable, we have to know.

what hurt is in order to know what love is. One implies the other. And so I cannot understand love without hurt. I can't understand wet without dry. I can't understand life without death.

That make sense?

Dominic Surette (45:54.436)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (45:57.028)
doesn't.

RBK Kaleidoscope (45:59.602)
Where you going over there?

Chuck LaFLange (45:59.922)
Oh.

Hmm? What's that? What do you mean? Where am I going? Oh, multitasking. You know how I do, right?

RBK Kaleidoscope (46:02.482)
Chuck, where are you going?

I see your eyes darting around there. Yeah, so that's some incredible insight. This is what I mean, Donnie. Like, 19 years old bullshit, man. I mean, you know, I'm talking to an equal. I'm talking, and specifically to you. Like, it's nice for me to hear you talk about shit that I...

can emotionally attach to any given thing because your story hits me and mine really closely. And I don't know the whole thing, but I don't need to because you're talking about the feelings associated with it and like to know, to learn at a young age that on the other side of that struggle is beautiful, triumphant glory. And to be able to...

mold that into the foundation of my own personal existence and who I want to be, which I can see you clearly do. There's some safety-seeker things that happen and one of them is resiliency. We also speak about your social intelligence, which is clearly at a premium for you. And that is a result of living in a fight-or-flight state for longer than needed, longer than required, yet learning how to cultivate

Dominic Surette (47:28.245)
So, I'm going to go ahead and start with the question of the

RBK Kaleidoscope (47:28.978)
skills and adapt abilities from that state that can create both presence, consciousness, an understanding, an appreciation of beauty, and an ability to interact with that beauty on any given basis. If life would have gone well for me to begin with, I would probably be a bigger douchebag than I am now and have no understanding of what it is to be alive.

I'd like to think it'd be different, but probably not. And so, yeah, so if I have it my way, my little girls are gonna end up being douchebags. Just kidding. Don't listen to that, girls. They don't actually watch it, so they just say my dad. Oh yeah, they're, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (47:55.674)
Hehehe

And he's a pretty big douchebag. I'm just kidding. I'm kidding, I'm kidding.

Chuck LaFLange (48:06.01)
haha

Dominic Surette (48:09.711)
Yeah, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

Chuck LaFLange (48:10.778)
Whatever it takes so that I don't have to come bury a body with their dad, I'm happy. Whatever attitude they have to cop that doesn't involve me burying a body with their dad, I'm happy with. So, I'm happy.

RBK Kaleidoscope (48:19.138)
Wow, they're not teenagers yet, Chuck. Well, now...

Chuck LaFLange (48:25.349)
Soon enough, soon enough, right? You know, yeah, yeah.

Dominic Surette (48:25.534)
Yeah, my sister's just now getting there, so I'm just hoping I don't have to also watch out for any boys.

RBK Kaleidoscope (48:31.014)
Oh yeah, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (48:36.383)
You're in for a wild ride. Glad she's got a big brother with as much, that's grown up as much as you have, man. And I suppose, yeah, you'd be ultra protective as well, eh?

RBK Kaleidoscope (48:36.666)
Well.

RBK Kaleidoscope (48:41.422)
That's emotional intelligence. That's my trick. My trick for my girls is to teach them emotional intelligence and self worth, because I know for a fact it never worked on any of the girls I went after. If they had emotional intelligence and self worth, I wasn't getting nothing. I know that for sure. So.

Chuck LaFLange (48:59.249)
It was a long play at least, right?

RBK Kaleidoscope (49:01.311)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (49:06.785)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (49:08.302)
I gotta say, Dominic, it's rare that I'm quiet in an episode and I have been through most of this one. Listening to you speak, it makes me proud of you and it's not even my place to be proud of you, but I am. I'm very, very proud of the man you're becoming and have become thus far, right? I could argue that, well, I don't need to argue it. In many circumstances, what you have been through leads to a life of turmoil.

and seeking all sorts of things. And I feel like hopefully you're at a place where you've kind of bypassed some of that potential and you're tapping into the awesomeness that seems to be your potential right now, right? So I gotta say thank you, thank you, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (49:52.162)
I bet you that... I bet you that he hasn't bypassed anything and has gone through his own versions of it.

Dominic Surette (49:52.317)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (49:59.622)
Okay, touche, right? Yeah, yeah.

Dominic Surette (50:00.626)
Yeah, I have dealt with plenty of mental illnesses and just it made me the person that I am today though so I honestly am glad.

Chuck LaFLange (50:08.267)
No, no.

Well, if you've got a sister that's approaching teens.

Dominic Surette (50:16.306)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (50:18.562)
You're about to see some mental illness, let me tell you, from other people, not because teenage girls are anything less than rational creatures.

RBK Kaleidoscope (50:20.91)
Heh.

Chuck LaFLange (50:28.427)
Okay.

Dominic Surette (50:29.821)
I'm sorry.

RBK Kaleidoscope (50:29.858)
No sale. From other people. We'll go with that.

Chuck LaFLange (50:39.458)
You know it's true. Anyway. Okay.

Dominic Surette (50:39.637)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (50:40.686)
Get it as you do.

Chuck LaFLange (50:45.126)
Just wait, just wait. You're going to be pulling bedroom doors off 10 years from now. Like it ain't no thing. All the things. Yeah, yeah.

Dominic Surette (50:51.638)
Yeah

RBK Kaleidoscope (50:52.008)
Uh, uh, uh

Dominic Surette (51:01.434)
I just, all I, all I hope for is that, all I hope for is that she waits until she's at least old enough to start to understand it a little bit so that way she, she can start to like, think a little bit before she acts instead of just like, just being, just like, just acting and then be like, oh, there were consequences to that? Oh shit.

Chuck LaFLange (51:21.718)
Absolutely.

RBK Kaleidoscope (51:24.302)
Yeah, just like me and Chris did, or Chuck did. Yeah, just kidding. Yeah, yeah. I learned things one way and that's the hard way.

Chuck LaFLange (51:27.662)
Yeah. Not really. No, no, no. Yeah. Well, I'll tell you what, to you both, I'll go get some face tattoos drawn on me. And then you can have this picture say this motherfucker is the guy coming for you. Right. So you've always got that to show the boys, right. You know, right. You just say, Hey, this is the guy.

RBK Kaleidoscope (51:44.506)
Yeah

RBK Kaleidoscope (51:49.786)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (51:51.554)
Listen guys, we could talk about this all day. I mean, Dominic, you got so much to offer and I will say that I will most likely invite you back on the show again. There's an interesting thing that needs to happen now and your mom's gonna listen to this episode and she's gonna process a lot of what you've said. So at some point in the not so distant future,

Dominic Surette (52:05.74)
I'll be glad to. Thank you.

Chuck LaFLange (52:20.558)
you know, we'll have your mom on as well to kind of talk about some of these things. I think you're an amazing young man. I do, I do. Yeah, yeah. And I hope that people in your position or with loved ones in your position or whatever can find something to relate to here and maybe draw some strength from it because that's the whole idea for the show, right? So, yeah. Ryan, before I move into daily gratitude, is there anything you wanna?

RBK Kaleidoscope (52:30.716)
Second.

Chuck LaFLange (52:50.618)
You want to offer? Anything you want to say?

RBK Kaleidoscope (52:54.018)
I think, you know, I'll say, yeah, so yeah, I do. Of course. Yeah, Donnie, you get to realize I don't stay quiet long. So it's been an effort. Now, I think what I'll say is like, you know, whatever it is that we're going through in life, it has meaning, it has purpose, and it has value.

Chuck LaFLange (53:00.864)
I am.

Dominic Surette (53:05.015)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (53:21.154)
And to think that anything is valueless, I think, is an obtuse way of looking at something, especially life itself. And life is the greatest gift we'll ever experience. And we know it's a gift because life was here before I got here. So I know it was a gift. And I think that, you know, if you're going through it right now, don't go around it.

Dominic Surette (53:36.286)
It's invaluable.

RBK Kaleidoscope (53:49.978)
Don't go above it, don't go under it, go through it, because what will come on the other side is strength and victory and confidence and all the beautiful things that life offers. But we do need to go through the storm in order to understand the importance of a peaceful sky.

Dominic Surette (54:07.006)
Absolutely. I'd just say, like, like you're saying, it's just

Chuck LaFLange (54:10.687)
Dominic, before we move into daily gratitudes, do you got anything you want to close out with? Don't feel pressured to.

Dominic Surette (54:25.458)
You even like if you're experiencing anything, it's just go through it because like Going through it is what teaches you how to Deal with it better in the future and to like not even feel like you're having to deal with it It's just like going through the motions

Chuck LaFLange (54:48.11)
Yeah, well said. That brings us to my favorite part of the show, that is the daily gratitudes. Ryan, why don't we start with you?

RBK Kaleidoscope (54:59.784)
Well, I'm grateful that I was young once. Wish I would have known what that meant. Now, I'm grateful for good health. I'm grateful for family. And most of all, I think I am grateful for courage. And that is the thing that we need to be vulnerable. It's the thing we need to strap on.

Chuck LaFLange (55:07.133)
Ha ha ha.

RBK Kaleidoscope (55:24.758)
and get into it and learn and grow and hurt and love and laugh and all of the beautiful things in life. And so, you know, we see that today with Dominic and his courage to come on here and talk about his stuff and in an effort to help anybody else. And I think that is extremely respectful. And it's something I admire. I wish I had that at your age. I wish I had that at my age.

Dominic Surette (55:31.329)
I'm going to go ahead and start the presentation. So I'm going to start with the presentation.

RBK Kaleidoscope (55:53.574)
And then always my beautiful partner and my two little girls who I love more than anything in this world.

Chuck LaFLange (56:02.778)
Dominic, what are you grateful for today?

Dominic Surette (56:06.109)
First, I'd like to second what he said on courage. I'm grateful for having that. But I'm also grateful for like, I'm really grateful to today, especially to be here with my amazing mother.

good place in life.

Chuck LaFLange (56:28.666)
Just a couple things not to take for granted, that's for sure. I'm grateful, you know what, I'm grateful to you Dominic for showing me that perhaps youth is not wasted on the young. Perhaps, right? Something Ryan and I often, we often joke about and perhaps it's not. Maybe there's hope yet. I'm thankful for our conversation in general. I have been trying to get this conversation happening as we spoke about this offline, but you know.

RBK Kaleidoscope (56:29.986)
Amen. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (56:57.966)
for since the inception of the show, since I started bringing on the loved ones, people who suffer an addiction. And it's hard to find the right person with the right.

the right mindset, you know, that's not gonna bring in all the resentments that sometimes, and justifiably go with being the person who's, you know, the loved one of somebody who suffered an addiction, and somebody intelligent enough, mature enough. There's all sorts of things that had to come together for this to work, and I'm very, very thankful for that. I really, really am. I'm also thankful to every single person who continues to like, comment, share, support the show in any way that you do, guys.

please keep doing it. Hit the subscribe button, hit the like button, comments, you know, all the things.

Dominic Surette (57:40.174)
Thank you.

Chuck LaFLange (57:41.586)
Anytime you do any one of these things, you're getting me a little bit closer to live my best life. My best life is to make a humble living spreading the message. The message is this. If you're in active addiction right now, today could be the day that you start a lifelong journey. Reach out to a friend, reach out to a family member, call in the detox, go to a meeting, go to church. I don't care. Do whatever it is you've got to do to get that journey started because it is so much easier.

Dominic Surette (57:47.247)
Thank you.

Chuck LaFLange (58:04.254)
And if you have a loved one who's suffering an addiction right now, just taking the time to listen to our episode. If you could just take one more minute out of your day and text that person, let them know they're loved. Use the words.

Dominic Surette (58:15.303)
You are loved.

RBK Kaleidoscope (58:15.356)
You are loved.

Chuck LaFLange (58:18.734)
that love and whim of hope just might be the thing that brings him back.

Boom.