Hayley is a literal survivor of addiction, having died on Jan 11, 2023. Since then, she has dedicated her entire being to spreading a message of hope. This week, Ryan Bathgate, in his unique style, helps Hayley to unpack the beauty in her story, and once again unpacks how the resilience of the human spirit can be the most amazing of things.
For more on both Hayley and Ryan visit
Title Sponsor for this episode is Yatra Trauma Centre.
Chuck LaFLange (00:00.41)
Hello everybody, watchers, listeners, supporters of all kinds. Welcome to another episode of Kaleidoscope Wednesday on the Ashes to Awesome podcast. I'm your host Chuck LaFlange checking in from Krabi, Thailand, meeting me in Virtual Studio halfway around the world in Vancouver, DC, Canada. It's my co -host and good friend, Ryan Baskett. How you doing today, Ryan?
Hayley Delashmit (00:09.964)
Thank you.
RBK Kaleidoscope (00:19.434)
Hey, I'm pretty good, Chuck. I'm all like, no more Andy Box and that stuff anymore, so like, life is good, man. It's a weird holiday today called Family Day today in Canada, so I kind of, you know, organization's not my strength and here's some proof. So, but we did like, I golfed and took the kids to the Playland.
Chuck LaFLange (00:29.626)
Ah, good, good, good.
Hayley Delashmit (00:32.908)
We're going to call day. Call it a day.
Hayley Delashmit (00:41.74)
I'm
RBK Kaleidoscope (00:47.242)
and then realized I gotta get some recording done. Hey, so, so good, good, yeah. Everything's great.
Chuck LaFLange (00:47.31)
That's awesome.
Well, I will be grateful at the beginning of the show to the wife for allowing that to happen on family day and not busting your balls too hard about that. So yeah, yeah. Joining us, of course, in virtual studio from Tennessee is our lovely guest, Hailey Delachschmidt. I hope I got that pronunciation correct. Okay. Good stuff. Good stuff. Hailey has joined us on, or joined myself on a couple of live streams and
RBK Kaleidoscope (01:01.29)
Me too.
Hayley Delashmit (01:12.604)
You did. Haley DeLashman. Haley Deer Giggles.
Chuck LaFLange (01:20.666)
We've been doing some interacting through our respective platforms. That's right too, that's how we first met. No, of course not. How could I forget giggles? How you doing today, Haley?
Hayley Delashmit (01:23.404)
We did a podcast together with Through the Glass. Did you forget me that soon?
Hayley Delashmit (01:33.548)
I don't know. I don't know.
RBK Kaleidoscope (01:33.674)
Ha ha.
Hayley Delashmit (01:38.892)
I'm doing fantastic. I had a great day. Took one of my sober friends out for lunch.
Chuck LaFLange (01:41.37)
Good stuff.
I saw that on Facebook. Yes. Yes. Silver girls date. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice.
Hayley Delashmit (01:45.876)
Mm -hmm. Yeah. My Chinese food, she wanted noodles and she couldn't eat because she was sick, but I ate, I ate, I ate. I didn't have noodles though, that's probably why. I had a chicken hibachi.
Chuck LaFLange (01:54.522)
I don't even know what chicken a bachee is, but it's got chicken. It can't be bad unless it's spicy. I guess. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you're in Tennessee. That means you probably like spicy food, right?
Hayley Delashmit (02:05.036)
I'll send you a picture.
Hayley Delashmit (02:11.326)
It's hit or miss because of my all the work done on my surgeries from dying of my liver disease. So yeah, it's hit or miss. It will burn like I can't even I can't even have carbonation sodas. So yeah, I strictly drink just water with lemon or bone broth.
Chuck LaFLange (02:18.458)
Oh, there is that.
Chuck LaFLange (02:24.026)
Really, eh?
Chuck LaFLange (02:28.57)
No kidding, eh? No kidding. I've been curious about that whole bone broth kick. Yeah. That's interesting. Well, you know what, Hailey, let's talk about that. And we're not doing a recovery episode as you know, so we're not going to do the whole recovery story, but there's some, we got to give Ryan some context so that, you know, you can kind of start getting into things. Let's talk about this, this liver thing you got going on, this liver thing you got going on, like it's some casual.
Hayley Delashmit (02:29.864)
Uh huh. Not even juice or anything. Can't.
RBK Kaleidoscope (02:29.898)
Hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (02:40.78)
Okay, sure. Yep. Okay. Yeah, I don't want that's fine.
Hayley Delashmit (02:56.204)
This liver thing. All right, well, I yeah, I have a stage four or end stage liver cirrhosis, cirrhosis of the liver. I did die illegally January 11th of last year, so four and four days ago. And they put a shunt in, it's a portal vein now to my liver. So that's my only filtration system throughout my entire body, which that's a lot, right? So.
Chuck LaFLange (02:57.388)
nonchalant deal, right? Let's start with that and I'll let Ryan take it from there.
Hayley Delashmit (03:24.938)
That's what I'm dealing with. And I'm currently trying to get on the transplant list. I finally got a doctor, a team in Memphis to even meet with me in November of last year, 2023. And then I just went back last week to recheck my Meld scores and they were, I'm sorry, let's go back on January 11th, my one year. I went in, they did the whole CT scan to check my Meld scores, which is the accumulation of all of your...
your liver functions and everything. And it was okay, but not, it needs to be below a 15 and not above a 15. So it was 16 and I went back last week and now it's up to a 17. So they did put me on a new medication called Zaxaflain or something. And I'm on that twice a day. And that's like to get the ammonia out of my brain. Cause when your liver is not filtrating the anything, like all the toxins.
It's gonna go straight to your brain, which ammonia in liver disease can kill you faster than your dead liver will. So that's what I'm dealing with at this moment today. So I've been on that medication for about a week. It's a really expensive medication here in America, really expensive.
Chuck LaFLange (04:40.89)
I'm not kidding.
Hayley Delashmit (04:42.124)
Yeah, they gave me two weeks off for free and then yeah, I'll just be praying that my credit card works two weeks later. I just swipe it forward because it's I think they got down to 1480. That's just for one medication. I'm on four medications total and this is pre being on the list. So I'm not an anti rejection pills or anything for my transplant. We'll just see how that works. You know that plays out for me.
RBK Kaleidoscope (04:42.442)
Yeah, yeah.
Chuck LaFLange (05:05.314)
Wow.
RBK Kaleidoscope (05:07.188)
It's so... it's so... I don't... you know, first of all, my god... um... like... So there's... I have so much there that I really wanna touch down on, but there's this systemic thing that's bothered me listening. And like, I have systemic, yeah, like... I have not paid one cent for medication in years.
Hayley Delashmit (05:12.512)
Yeah
Hayley Delashmit (05:19.468)
Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (05:24.204)
stomach.
Okay.
Hayley Delashmit (05:32.906)
Yeah, the system is... I would be overjoyed and cry cry cry one medication, Linzest. It's like 380 a month. My lactulose, I don't know what it would be this year. It's probably go up to four or five hundred. And that's not including my spiroendactyl. My spiroendactyl can't even pronounce it. Doesn't matter. It's for the liver. It's to keep fluids off of me because the fluid buildup will...
RBK Kaleidoscope (05:32.938)
And it's to me, like even if they charge me $2, I'm like, what the hell is this? You know what I mean? Like...
Hayley Delashmit (06:02.004)
obviously rupture like all my baries and stuff that they've spent hours on January 11th trying to just get me to come back and it would just rupture all again and it just you know you got to have your liver that's the biggest organ in your entire body for filtration and you don't know how entirely important that liver is until you don't have one so
RBK Kaleidoscope (06:23.498)
Yeah, and that's kind of where I go. In my experience, I have done some end -of -life stuff with clients. And there's this really strange happening, I guess, or a paradigm shift that happens in a different appreciation for the gift that we call life. And like...
Hayley Delashmit (06:51.116)
Very much so.
RBK Kaleidoscope (06:52.074)
And I always say, I repeat Alan Watts is saying, it's a short distance from the delivery room to the cemetery or the morgue. And what we do in that time, we have so much control and awareness with that we just forfeit on a day -to -day basis because of our inability to harness or even just not fear what it is to be present at any given time. And that's where life happens.
Hayley Delashmit (06:56.268)
Watch this thing.
Hayley Delashmit (07:02.444)
Oh, yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (07:19.724)
Right?
RBK Kaleidoscope (07:21.546)
in the now. That is where everything beautiful that happens, it happens in the now. Today, I'm just driving and I just did the practice of seeing the world as a beautiful place. For a couple seconds while I'm driving and I have my beautiful family with me and this home and we live in a country that is fairly
Hayley Delashmit (07:23.084)
That is where it is beautiful that happens.
Hayley Delashmit (07:35.51)
Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (07:50.566)
conflict -free, you know, and like I get to focus on my kids instead of a political agenda of a man I don't even know or you know, like the stuff that fills our head, you know, which I would do most of that noise, but so like I guess what my question is is can you resonate or do you when I talk about that paradigm shift, do you do do you do you have a an intimate understanding?
Hayley Delashmit (07:54.412)
Right, exactly.
RBK Kaleidoscope (08:18.858)
of that moment where you could see your life in a different way.
Hayley Delashmit (08:23.314)
Absolutely, 100 % since the moment I opened up my eyes. I think it was a few weeks after I got out of surgery. They kept me in induced coma for a while. And I thought I was on vacation. I took a nap. And then I woke up, I was like, y 'all are never gonna believe this dream I had. And I was like, where the hell am I? And I was in a very isolated room. I had my own personal ICU nurse. She was only focused on me.
and I just couldn't stand her because she wouldn't give me anything to drink. She wouldn't turn the TV on. And I don't know. I'm going in and out of different things. And this entire time, I'm happy as hell that this is all happening. And I don't even know how to explain that other than what I saw on the other side. And so that's why I got the nickname Giggles. Everyone's like, you should be really sad. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm not sad anymore. I'm not sad anymore for this.
Like the little things that would just really annoy me and piss me off. Not even when I'm in a drinking state. I'm like, that is awesome that that happened. Like, you know? So, like when I heard it was family day, I literally went to my back of the farm and I took a video and I sent it to Chuck. I sent it to Steve Knap, he's also Canadian and another friend that's from Canada. I feel like I, like Canadians and me, like, I love y 'all, but.
RBK Kaleidoscope (09:27.69)
Yeah, I do.
RBK Kaleidoscope (09:40.65)
Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (09:46.316)
I do sometimes get frustrated when people, I'm like in the store in general, and they hate being there. I'm like, this is a blessing to be here right now. Like, have a conversation. We're waiting in line. Let's talk. Let's do something. Like, I don't know. Yeah. See, you see beauty in everything that's around you. Like, because I always wish somebody would have saw that, because I know that the man upstairs saw something that I never saw, and he saved me for a reason.
RBK Kaleidoscope (09:54.952)
Mm -hmm.
RBK Kaleidoscope (10:00.074)
Let's connect, yeah? Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (10:14.924)
And I'm doing exactly what I was meant to always do, which was be the alcoholic that I was and be here now to spread hope everywhere I go. And people just, they flock to me, like not like in an awkward, weird way, but they're just like, you're just so nice. Like I've been in Walmart and this random guy from across the way was like, giggles, giggles. And I was like, hey. And I remember I had his number in my phone cause he wanted me to make his wife something with lemon, cause for cookies.
RBK Kaleidoscope (10:35.466)
I'm a frog.
Hayley Delashmit (10:45.066)
And he never, I messaged him and I gave him a recipe, never talked to him again after that. And that was like two months later, I was still there, I still had my same smile, because that was like a Saturday night that I ran into him at a Kroger. He was like, how are you just so smiling on a Saturday night at Kroger doing grocery shopping? I was like, because I'm going to go home and bake cookies for people that ordered them. So I mean, I was tired, but I was like so happy to be there. I had something to do.
RBK Kaleidoscope (11:13.642)
Mmm, I do, yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (11:13.676)
you know, because idle hands get me in trouble. So I, I definitely breathe in the air differently. I see everything differently. I feel for the first time in my life, everything. I never realized how much I never felt before. Like, I didn't have any, like that, it was just all armor all the time. And now I'm a, I guess Chuck, I think he knows about my platform a lot. I'm an open book and that's just how it is. And I embrace everybody, you know.
Good, bad, indifferent, whatever.
RBK Kaleidoscope (11:45.866)
Yeah, I think that, you know, when we can start to see the world through that lens, we can see that, you know, it's a planet full of human beings and every human being is, we're all carrying something. And how that manifests and projects is really not up to us, it's none of our business. And to take it personal, to me, is a disservice to the experience itself. And so like when I can choose what I take personal, so I guess what I'm saying is,
Hayley Delashmit (12:11.436)
So, I guess we'll see you soon.
RBK Kaleidoscope (12:12.106)
To see the world through that lens where we're accepting of all human beings and some carry things and some don't, well most people do, it's a lot easier to not take something personal when somebody has a flare -up or an acute frustration of their own existence that comes out as you're an asshole or I'm having a bad day. I asked myself that question one time.
Hayley Delashmit (12:25.26)
Right. Right.
RBK Kaleidoscope (12:38.802)
And really simply, what would my life be like if I chose what I took personally? And I just sat and thought for an hour, I swear, about all of the dumb things that I've reacted to and turned into a huge mess when all I had to do was just be like, yeah, you're a goof, yeah, I am. To be honest with you, I really am. So good call, man, you nailed that. You know what I mean? Instead of firing back. And so...
Hayley Delashmit (12:54.412)
Same.
Hayley Delashmit (12:59.948)
Yeah, and I realized how
RBK Kaleidoscope (13:08.554)
I think this experience that you have has really catapulted the horizon of understanding in your own existence to really be able to see, like you said, connection being probably the most important thing. And you know, like...
Hayley Delashmit (13:29.098)
It connection with people was huge. It was huge for me. I needed I needed that. Exactly, because I mean I was I was never a go out go out of my house drunk. I was a closet drunk. Like literally I my walk in closets are insane. So I would just have a full set of whatever just vodka really. But I mean it's stupid. But I didn't want to talk to people. I wouldn't make eye contact with people. I had no interest in getting to know them or them getting to know me because they didn't know me. I was like a chameleon at that point.
RBK Kaleidoscope (13:32.746)
Which requires vulnerability, right?
RBK Kaleidoscope (13:40.744)
Hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (13:57.036)
I didn't even know who I was, so how can I explain to anybody who I am at that point? Yeah, when you're like, yeah, exactly, you nailed it right there. Which, who am I gonna be today? Yeah. It really does, or you'll shift who you are for a different person. I don't do that, I don't shift change anymore, anything like that. I'm just gonna have to be me, 100%. And I still have...
RBK Kaleidoscope (13:58.218)
Nah.
Well it's hard to know who you are when you spend so much time making masks.
RBK Kaleidoscope (14:08.458)
Yeah, I didn't even need it. Yeah. Depends who calls first, I guess. You know, like, yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (14:22.418)
I don't have the energy, I swear, to do this. You know, like this is what you get because I'm tired. I don't have the energy to put that mask on, you know? Sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off there.
Hayley Delashmit (14:28.492)
Yeah, I get tired. Yeah. Oh, no, you didn't cut me out. I love what you're saying. But yeah, I'm not perfect with it, though. You know, there's days I'm like, what the fuck? What the fuck? Like, you're saying this? Like, do you actually hear yourself saying this to another human being? I mean, I will. I have to call people out. I'm like, look, first off, I'm the nicest person probably ever. You'll be like, what the fuck? Who are you? And why do you think you can treat another human being that way? It's just awful. But.
RBK Kaleidoscope (14:43.914)
Oh my god, I know that feeling.
RBK Kaleidoscope (14:57.546)
Well, let me ask you something then. Do you think like, I mean, I guess I'm always like trying to think about existence as it happens in the moment by moment. And so, yeah, like, do you think it's important to constantly assess knowing that we are constantly in a state of change? Because what I see happen is people will do an assessment and they'll ride that version of themselves for four years.
Hayley Delashmit (14:58.668)
Okay, let me ask you a question.
Hayley Delashmit (15:10.584)
Day by day.
Hayley Delashmit (15:15.83)
It's important to constantly assess knowing that we are constantly in a state of change. Because what I see happen is people will do an assessment and they'll ride that version of themselves for 40 years. And in that time, it changed so much that there's now so many.
RBK Kaleidoscope (15:25.994)
And in that time, they've changed so much that they're so out of rhythm with themselves and their belief systems that, again, I think that's when we start making those maths because we need to find validation in fitting in somewhere. You know what I mean? So do you think the self -assessment is important on a semi -regular basis?
Hayley Delashmit (15:33.576)
I don't I feel like people do evolve but I think that at your inner core the person who you are that's who you are you should that's who you're gonna be all the time right I don't think a massive values I mean friendships change friendships shift
RBK Kaleidoscope (15:55.626)
Yeah, like value wise.
Hayley Delashmit (16:02.316)
people go their way, you go your way, people grow apart, people grow differently. And so I just, I kind of really do like one day at a time, everything. And that is just, takes the variety out of it. I feel like that for the, in the moment, but I think you should still every moment be that who you are. I don't want to say, but I can't say that I would be somebody, I can't, I can't tell future. I'm not, but I wouldn't, this is who I am 100 % all the time. Because.
RBK Kaleidoscope (16:06.538)
Mm -hmm.
RBK Kaleidoscope (16:19.754)
Yeah, yeah, and I agree. I agree.
RBK Kaleidoscope (16:30.842)
Would you agree that the world in general is afraid of that?
Hayley Delashmit (16:37.292)
Yes, 100%. I think that people want to fit in with the Joneses. People want to act a certain way to fit in with this crowd, that crowd, that crowd. And I see it even in my own family. Like they have cliques. I'm like, what the f - this is so fucking stupid. Like I had to go to two funerals last year in Michigan. And then I was in a bunch of funerals. I'm like, everyone is fucking crazy. And I went to, I did go to a funeral and it was the guy, he was with my same transplant team.
RBK Kaleidoscope (16:38.794)
What do you think?
Hayley Delashmit (17:06.668)
I hadn't even this my this sorry this doctor hadn't even given me a chance at this point and I was Ten months sober. Nope. I'm sorry nine months sober hadn't even given me a chance and the said it this gentleman that lives in town he was just Always lying and saying he's he's not drinking. He's not drinking They kept giving him chance after chance after chance. Well, he was still drinking He was still doing all the wrong things and other two other hospitals by this time in October. I
which had been 10 months over. We're like, if you can walk out of Memphis and into the transplant, we'll work with you. He couldn't do that. So he died, he passed away, and I felt, I didn't feel sorrow for him. I felt sorry for his wife because she never, she believed he died an honest death, right? Because he.
RBK Kaleidoscope (18:00.328)
Mm.
Hayley Delashmit (18:02.636)
kept telling the doctors what they wanted to hear, he kept telling his wife what they wanted to hear, and they've been married for like 35, 40 years maybe. Like how do you live with someone, marry somebody, and not see all of that? But any, neither here nor there, but so this is what I'm gonna go talk about, his funeral. Apparently right before he died, he was saved. I'm using saved, because I know it's saved meaning that was not saved. And they asked everybody, there's tons of people, he's a huge farmer here.
tons of people there. The pastor said, we would like no one to speak about anything prior to him being saved. And I was like, what was that, 24 hours ago? I was like, nobody even knew him after that. So it was like all those people, everyone was dead silent. We couldn't even, you weren't allowed to say anything. So no one, it was just bizarre to me. And when I die, tell the fucking truth, right? Sorry for my language. I'm not sorry, sorry, sorry. But tell the truth, yeah. I mean,
RBK Kaleidoscope (18:51.86)
Mm -hmm.
RBK Kaleidoscope (18:57.096)
You're a good company. Don't worry. Don't worry.
Hayley Delashmit (19:01.196)
Like you have all these stories about who you are as a person and like I want my story to just be genuine and authentic no matter what. You know, if I relapse, if I was a drunk at the end, then I was a drunk at the end, you know, people, I can't say I honestly would never touch a drink. I can say I would never because that is when I was in heaven, when I was dead, that was erased. All the alcohol tendencies, like the Craven.
RBK Kaleidoscope (19:09.49)
And end.
Hayley Delashmit (19:28.94)
Done, erased, done. I've never had a second thought about it, but I needed to learn how to be a, learn how to be Haley, right? I needed to learn how to live and interact with people. So, so in the past 404 days, yeah, I've evolved into more of it, who I am supposed to be. So.
RBK Kaleidoscope (19:49.322)
And do you find a freedom in that?
Hayley Delashmit (19:52.94)
I do. A lot of freedom. A lot of freedom. Because I don't... Well, I... Well, I... I stand up for myself. I don't take any shit from a shitty situation. I, you know, I'll call people out. I never did that. I would always just agree. Like, yeah, sure, okay. I was really like a mout, like a... Like, what is it? A mink? Like a very...
RBK Kaleidoscope (19:55.498)
How does that, like, what's the difference just like in your feeling in day to day?
Hayley Delashmit (20:21.13)
Why like I didn't like conflict. I didn't like talking through things if there was a problem I would run away from it like and for example this so stupid or whatever I was if I would I would date somebody for like two weeks if we broke up I wouldn't break up. I would change my phone number. I would move I I couldn't face any I'm not even kidding This is like that. I've had the same number for like eight years now That is amazing because I was always changed. I would I gave a random person my number
RBK Kaleidoscope (20:36.714)
Heheheheh
RBK Kaleidoscope (20:45.962)
Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (20:49.868)
Gotta change it. My back is so bad, but I mean now I just, I have to just keep getting comfortable with who I am now, right? And always seeing, cause you see light colors different, you see things different. I mean, scents are different, you know, like you smell things different. It's just different. That's all I can say about that, I think. If it makes sense.
RBK Kaleidoscope (20:58.698)
Yeah, and as it evolves.
RBK Kaleidoscope (21:10.122)
Okay, it absolutely does. And I actually want to follow it up with a question. And I think that question is, is the difference that you don't, instead of being fearful of being yourself, you're curious about yourself? Would you agree with that?
Hayley Delashmit (21:14.986)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (21:27.084)
I'm not too good with that. Yeah, I'm very curious as to who I am all the time. I'm not fearful, but...
RBK Kaleidoscope (21:29.834)
Yeah, but I mean, if you think about, but we were at one point, and that's my point, is like...
Hayley Delashmit (21:35.54)
Obviously. Oh, yeah. No, I'm very curious. I'm very curious about people very curious about myself mostly like not to be selfish I want to know who I am. I want to relearn who I am. It was that you know, cuz I didn't know I had no idea
RBK Kaleidoscope (21:49.29)
What have you learned?
Hayley Delashmit (21:51.468)
Well, I'm pretty badass. I can rent a whole farm by myself if I needed to. I can take care of everything by myself on my own and not rely on anybody else. And I always cling to other people and always needed that validation from an older man. Like it always was always that way for me. And now like, yeah, I mean.
RBK Kaleidoscope (21:54.6)
Heh.
Hayley Delashmit (22:18.188)
I don't know. I always wanted somebody that was established and I didn't have to, I could just like ease on by. And now I have all my dreams. Like what do I want to do for me to get everything on my own? So I have a 14 year old daughter and I want her to know that she can, how she has seen me live, she doesn't have to be that way. Cause her mom was a fuck up, right? So my kid is such a good, such a good kid. So such a kind heart, you know, she's been through this whole.
RBK Kaleidoscope (22:24.746)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (22:47.884)
process with me. But I was smart with her. When I knew my alcoholism was getting really, really bad, I asked her dad, who's my best friend? I said, you've got to take Ellie because I can't, I can't stop drinking. I can't. There's no way out. And then he did. And then every time he's like, I would tell him I'm sober now. And he's like, why do I have somebody come drive you to get Ellie? I was like, because I like to buy, pay for drivers. Not true. It's not true at all.
RBK Kaleidoscope (23:14.034)
Huh.
Hayley Delashmit (23:17.024)
And you know, like when your best friends with somebody for that long, they're like, fuck you at this point, right? Like, so I'm kind of like, yeah, so yeah, that's, I don't want to do everything for myself and everyone's used to do like, want to step in. So now I just like, let me do this for you. Let me do that for you. Like I try to do, like, cause so many people just enabled a lot cause they knew I'd give them money and they knew I'd pay them to drive me. I'd pay them to take me to the liquor store and they keep their damn mouth shut.
RBK Kaleidoscope (23:19.658)
Yeah. Yeah. You're not fooling anybody. Yeah. Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (23:46.988)
I was like paying them off to keep their mouth shut because I didn't want anybody in this town to know. Now I'm the only one that is so extra with my sobriety that it's just like a thing. It's like they love it. They're like they didn't even know who I was at all. They're like, who is this girl? Where did she come from? I was like my closet full of vodka bottles. That's where I came from.
RBK Kaleidoscope (24:02.89)
Wow, how could they? You didn't know. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (24:09.066)
Well that's interesting. So I hear, I mean I can't help but notice that there's just in the rear view there seems to be a lot of shame and it's like almost like you thirsted for people to control or something like that. Does that make sense? No. Or some power imbalance but connection.
Hayley Delashmit (24:24.874)
Well.
Hayley Delashmit (24:30.028)
for me to control them.
for them to control me.
RBK Kaleidoscope (24:38.634)
And so you got validation through either power over or power under, but never equal.
Hayley Delashmit (24:39.72)
Yes.
Hayley Delashmit (24:43.66)
I think I was, yeah, it's never been equal. I would love to have that one day. Equal, with like a somebody to share my life with me. Just be equal with me. Can we just be like a team? Like teamwork makes the dream work, okay? All right, Chuck. I know all our safe words. I got you boo.
RBK Kaleidoscope (24:49.834)
Well, I think if...
RBK Kaleidoscope (24:56.554)
I...
RBK Kaleidoscope (25:01.418)
I know one of them. But this is a family show, I don't even know.
Hayley Delashmit (25:08.428)
I don't think so. I don't know.
Chuck LaFLange (25:09.466)
Well, let's lean towards family, you know, anyway. Yeah. If we keep that in mind, it might come out not, you know, R rated. So yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (25:13.546)
Wow, yeah, older family. Yeah. Yeah, I can't help.
Hayley Delashmit (25:13.738)
Family ish.
Hayley Delashmit (25:20.62)
Um, I agree with you though, um, Ryan. Um, yeah, there is a shit. I see that with me. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (25:25.45)
I mean...
And that shift is like, it's a catapult. It's a, it's a, leaving the stratosphere, like to, to explore and find something that you never knew existed is a life changing event. And so I like, you know, I don't get caught up on, how can I put this? So writing dates don't really mean a lot to me compared to the impact of the moment where I discovered meaning and purpose or.
Hayley Delashmit (25:44.16)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (25:53.388)
Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (25:57.578)
where I discovered the importance of emotional intelligence and emotional regulation, those have become so much more useful to me.
Hayley Delashmit (25:57.772)
Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (26:02.156)
I love that. I love that you said that because some people they just I mean and I am I do know my dates and my days because I know my yeah no but I'm saying but I know I've noticed like like I said people evolve I know that people really cling to that and I think this is a journey like we don't know when it's gonna end you just take it day by day and like it's an easy let it lay back just be you and
RBK Kaleidoscope (26:10.794)
And there's nothing wrong with that. Like, you know.
Hayley Delashmit (26:30.38)
Good things will cut if you surround yourself with great people and you have an outlook of different, you know, views then gonna be all right, but it's not, you know, they always think, oh, once I get this chip, once I get that chip, once I get it's done, I'm done. Like, you know, you're not, you're still a shit human at the of the day. Like, no, you're not like you're sober. You can still be a shit human. You still be a fucking asshole.
RBK Kaleidoscope (26:47.914)
Yeah. Oh yeah. It's called a, the word's called a hedonic treadmill. It means, hedonic treadmill. It means that you're never satisfied with what you have. So you're always striving for the next, the next paycheck, the next job, the next house, the next car, that's when things are gonna be good. And it never shows up. No.
Hayley Delashmit (26:55.028)
dry drunk, what's it called?
Hayley Delashmit (27:03.628)
Right, I always want some more.
Hayley Delashmit (27:11.212)
See that doesn't do any, it doesn't do anything for me. I'm just like, no. Yeah, it just, it's just things. It's just walls, you know, nothing. You know, a tornado can come in here. Tennessee's a tornado state. Yeah, state. That's that USA education. I'm kidding. I'm just.
RBK Kaleidoscope (27:15.85)
Tomorrow's unwritten, like it can't, it doesn't even exist, you know?
RBK Kaleidoscope (27:23.242)
Yeah, and that's my point.
RBK Kaleidoscope (27:29.674)
Stay, yeah.
heheh
RBK Kaleidoscope (27:36.362)
Hahaha.
Chuck LaFLange (27:38.938)
You don't want to start opening that door with Ryan and I, you don't want to do that. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (27:41.522)
Yeah
Hayley Delashmit (27:42.508)
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I love all views. I appreciate and accept all views. But yeah, but I was like that, Ryan. I really was. I had to have the big house. I had to have everything. I don't, I fuck this right here, this space. This is my little sanctuary and I'm good right here. I'm safe and I'm good. Like I could just safe like, yes. Yeah. But yeah. And so.
RBK Kaleidoscope (28:00.842)
That's so, I love that word. Sanctuary is such a good word, because that's what it is.
Hayley Delashmit (28:12.116)
outside of this, I mean, it's a huge house. I don't want anything to do with it, you know? I don't. But that's good, but I have a lot of demons in this house.
RBK Kaleidoscope (28:16.298)
Yeah, yeah, my whole house is my sanctuary and that's like, you know what?
Yeah, I can imagine. I don't have any of my... So it's easy, but I also like... I don't like to have people over. I don't like to... I don't like when someone knocks on the door even, you know, like, you're messing with my sanctuary here.
Hayley Delashmit (28:27.532)
Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (28:38.028)
Oh, yeah. See, yeah, that is true. I and in the south, we always leave our doors open. I probably shouldn't tell people that on this podcast, but then we do. We really do. And I've never not answered the door or let people in. But I have an issue when people just walk in like, OK, I'm in the shower. Like, what the fuck are you doing in my kitchen? What's this happening? Like, I'm taking and it's just bizarre to me. And they're like family members, close friends.
RBK Kaleidoscope (28:57.898)
Yeah.
Fair.
Hayley Delashmit (29:07.724)
Get the fuck out of my house. Can you please call? Anyways, I lock, I lock doors now, but I think I before I was just like, fuck it, I'm gonna shit take me. I'm gonna fuck. I'm down for a good time. So I don't know how I wasn't sold at some point in my life.
RBK Kaleidoscope (29:10.09)
Yeah, I hate Popeyes.
RBK Kaleidoscope (29:19.882)
Hehehehe
Hehehe.
Chuck LaFLange (29:24.858)
I just want to say I have bit my tongue so many times during this episode. You guys think I'm just sitting over here being respectful of the conversation. You're like Canadians inside you. You're like, take me for a good time. You're like, oh my God. And I've just been shut up the whole time.
RBK Kaleidoscope (29:28.33)
to.
Hayley Delashmit (29:28.94)
I'm sorry, I know. It looks like he's...
RBK Kaleidoscope (29:34.314)
Yes.
Hayley Delashmit (29:37.26)
Okay, we...
RBK Kaleidoscope (29:38.25)
Hey, it's really good practice. It's really good practice.
Hayley Delashmit (29:41.452)
Yeah, just warming you up. It's a slow journey, right? Enjoy the ride. Sunny would agree with me on that.
Chuck LaFLange (29:47.13)
I'm going to go ahead and close the video.
RBK Kaleidoscope (29:51.338)
Hey, that's um...
Chuck LaFLange (29:54.49)
Yes, he would. He's been down here the entire episode with his head on my knee here and just like being adorable AF. So it's...
RBK Kaleidoscope (29:55.434)
Apparently.
RBK Kaleidoscope (30:01.066)
Huh. Yeah. Where's that peanut butter jar?
Hayley Delashmit (30:01.228)
But you don't have pants on so you won't show us then. Oh God. Oh my God. Have y 'all watched Loudermilk?
RBK Kaleidoscope (30:10.826)
I've looked at it a few times, I haven't actually put it on yet.
Chuck LaFLange (30:11.052)
No.
Hayley Delashmit (30:15.02)
Okay, well you should watch it. There is an episode about peanut butter and a puppy and a sex doll. So that's all I'm gonna say about Lauder Milk. Yeah. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (30:21.194)
Okay, okay, okay. That's uh... That guy's uh, he's a counselor, addictions counselor or something like that? I think that's the premise of the show. He's the guy from Office Space. Yeah.
Chuck LaFLange (30:22.97)
All right, all right, okay. Wow.
Hayley Delashmit (30:29.612)
Sure, yeah, sure it is. Yes, he is. Every character in there is amazing. It is so funny.
RBK Kaleidoscope (30:38.312)
I'll check it out.
Chuck LaFLange (30:38.65)
to check it out. Hey guys, respecting your timeline, Haley, we're at a point here where, you know, I would love to keep talking, but we did decide that, you know, you had to make your way out to a meeting here soon. So, yeah. It's entirely up to you. We can do a few more minutes. I'll just, I'll edit this part out. Yeah. Okay.
Hayley Delashmit (30:43.948)
Okay.
Hayley Delashmit (30:52.588)
I can't, do you me on longer? I can be late for that. They're just gonna do introductions. Yeah, I'm just thankful that y 'all have me on. It's really nice to meet Ryan. I like your perspective on everything. But I feel like he sees me, like he understands like how it is, right? I know you see me, Chuck, but that's a different way. That's a different, that's for a different podcast.
Chuck LaFLange (31:04.186)
Yeah, yeah, okay. So why don't we, so I'm gonna edit this part out.
RBK Kaleidoscope (31:06.122)
Thank you.
Chuck LaFLange (31:10.714)
Well, this is why we love Ryan, right?
RBK Kaleidoscope (31:14.462)
Heheheheh.
Heh.
Ralph.
Hayley Delashmit (31:20.172)
Don't do your after hours voice. I just took away. No, no, no.
Chuck LaFLange (31:20.218)
That's the OnlyFans page.
RBK Kaleidoscope (31:26.282)
So many things I'd like to say right now. Yeah, look at, yeah, well, I'm, yeah, I'm much like Chuck, I'm just working on it. You know? Just really working on it.
Hayley Delashmit (31:27.98)
Damn it.
Chuck LaFLange (31:28.154)
Um, wow. You know what? I'm not going to edit this out. I know, right? And it's like, you just got to bite your tongue. Well, no, you can't know. Okay. Let me vote on that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (31:32.588)
You can say them. You can say them. You...
Chuck LaFLange (31:42.938)
Hahaha!
Hayley Delashmit (31:43.692)
I get it. We're evolving.
Chuck LaFLange (31:48.282)
Yeah. Anyway, anyway. Um, okay. With that in mind, I mean, it takes us a while to end the show anyway, because of, you know, side talking or cross talk, as they would call it in a meeting. Um,
Hayley Delashmit (31:51.308)
Pfft.
RBK Kaleidoscope (31:51.762)
Heh.
Hayley Delashmit (32:03.884)
That's how you don't like meetings.
Chuck LaFLange (32:05.53)
Yeah, that's one of the reasons. Absolutely, actually. You know what? I'll talk to...
RBK Kaleidoscope (32:05.584)
Well.
Hayley Delashmit (32:07.916)
Yeah, that's why I love the lives and stuff. But that's a meeting though for me, right? I don't like the structured part about it, like five minutes, timer's up. I have a lot to say.
Chuck LaFLange (32:13.506)
Mmm.
Yeah.
Chuck LaFLange (32:20.122)
Hahaha
RBK Kaleidoscope (32:20.406)
Five minutes I would laugh.
Hayley Delashmit (32:22.188)
No, they literally they they set their timers on their phones. I'm like what no, that's not a thing. No
Chuck LaFLange (32:29.338)
Yeah, that's not the environment for me either. I mean, I always feel the need to qualify though. My first 30 days doesn't happen without the rooms, right? And I think that's the way for a lot of people. So anytime we ever say anything that might be perceived as a slight to the 12 -step fellowships, right? Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (32:32.202)
Yo.
Hayley Delashmit (32:39.082)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (32:44.46)
No, I go to I go to meetings. I am an in person. I do online meetings, but I also enjoy and love in person meetings because I have to have human connection. I have to be able to look at people's eyes. It's not so the virtual part doesn't give me all I need as far as getting. I mean, I have a lot of connections online, but it's just different when you can be in. She says books, books, flight board, Thailand.
Chuck LaFLange (32:51.29)
Ah, so fair enough. Fair enough. Yeah.
Chuck LaFLange (32:59.45)
Yeah.
I'll give you all you need because fuck I just couldn't do it.
Chuck LaFLange (33:08.314)
I'm
RBK Kaleidoscope (33:09.482)
Okay.
Hayley Delashmit (33:11.812)
Anyways, but yeah, I have to have that yeah. No, I do I do and I have all my chips. Yeah Ryan Anybody want a chip You gonna chip you gonna chip let's get some chips No, anyways, so I do like that and that's why I do a lot of outreach stuff too cuz I like to see and talk to everybody like cuz
Chuck LaFLange (33:14.558)
And you can. Yeah. Okay. Sorry.
RBK Kaleidoscope (33:21.898)
Bring your chips, bring your chips to Thailand.
RBK Kaleidoscope (33:39.242)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (33:40.492)
And then you see the people, if they get where they need to be, they're evolving, if they're, you know, that's beautiful to me. You know, cause you take the slum is of the slums, like we were like, you know, and now it's like a beautiful new creation that you didn't see, like the most amazing, incredible people are in recovery. But.
RBK Kaleidoscope (33:46.858)
Yeah it is.
RBK Kaleidoscope (33:55.164)
Get it?
RBK Kaleidoscope (34:02.282)
Tension is strength.
RBK Kaleidoscope (34:07.082)
Yeah? It's... It's a story. We won't learn fuck all in our good days. How's that?
Hayley Delashmit (34:08.716)
tension and strength.
Chuck LaFLange (34:10.362)
Yes, yes it is. Yeah, yeah, I do like that man. I keep meaning to turn that one into a meme and I haven't yet. So I have to, yeah. Yeah, no, we don't learn fuck all on a good day, right? So yeah, that is true. That is true. Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (34:15.596)
Mm -hmm.
RBK Kaleidoscope (34:19.976)
Yeah, I... I s...
Hayley Delashmit (34:20.14)
Tension and strength.
RBK Kaleidoscope (34:26.954)
Yeah, so I'm, I'm curious. We have a couple more minutes, right?
Hayley Delashmit (34:34.796)
Okay. So what is this like?
Chuck LaFLange (34:35.29)
Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (34:36.266)
So where does this like, where does this go from here like for you?
Hayley Delashmit (34:40.3)
I don't know for me. I don't know
RBK Kaleidoscope (34:44.33)
What are your hopes?
What do you want to do? What do you want to see happen? I mean, you got X many years left. How do you want to live? Who do you want to be?
Hayley Delashmit (34:47.98)
Um...
Hayley Delashmit (34:53.93)
I want to be my daughter's mother and the best one ever. I want to travel with her. I want to do all that. I want to take her to Europe. I got to go to Italy for two weeks and it was the most amazing experience. And I went to all that with her. Like she's kind of like my sonny, sonny in the side. She's my sidekick. Like not in it. She's not. She has embraced. She loves the sober mom like she does. Even if it's extra, she's just like, yeah, you're bad ass mom.
Like, I mean, yeah. And I don't know. Like, I feel like I want to see what her dream's gonna be. And I'm not gonna live. I want her to do everything on her own and not be told what to do because my parents just drilled it, drilled it, drilled it in my head. Perfect, perfect, perfect, perfect, you know? That didn't work for Hailey because I wasn't. And I would like, even in, so once I got off to college, I'm like, let's go. You know, Frank the Tank, Frank Hailey the Tank. You know what I mean? Like, it did it.
RBK Kaleidoscope (35:39.53)
Yeah, no such thing.
RBK Kaleidoscope (35:50.346)
Dink, dink, dink, dink, dink.
Hayley Delashmit (35:54.124)
Yeah, so I want her to find out who she is like her dad wants her to do this I'm like shut up like we don't know who she's gonna be in a year from now two years from now Let her just be her. She's 14. Let her be a kid That's simple and that's beautiful watching her like to me but so my dreams would be to give her as much knowledge about life and death that I know and teach her
It's not about what you drive. It's not about the house you live in. It's about your heart, the connections you do make with people and what you can, because I get a lot of fulfillment of giving back and helping others. You know, just like somebody looks like they didn't hug. Can I hug you? You know how? Because I need a hug. I mean, just something silly or, you know, but, but yeah, I would like to work in this like industry, like with helping people recover eventually, I think.
RBK Kaleidoscope (36:38.794)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (36:52.076)
But I don't know. Like I said, one day. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (36:54.186)
It's pretty good. It's pretty, it's pretty, it's a, there's a lot of things so like, that you don't learn. Yeah, there's a lot of heavy stuff, yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (36:59.712)
It's a trauma that you don't want to, a lot of people, I don't want them to unload it on me. That's my problem. That's a lot for me. So I kind of just want to be like a free bird, just grow my vegetables, plant all my crops and watch them grow. Talk to random folks, get to Thailand, you know, easy things. Yeah, no, I just, I mean, but I like, it's not like things I want, it's experiences. And I...
RBK Kaleidoscope (37:07.274)
It is a -
RBK Kaleidoscope (37:13.93)
Yeah.
Chuck LaFLange (37:14.298)
Save the stray dogs.
RBK Kaleidoscope (37:16.746)
Yeah, I mean, and like, yeah, thanks. Good checklist.
RBK Kaleidoscope (37:28.2)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (37:29.516)
I do believe my daughter's dad and I've done fantastic when it comes to that because we don't give gifts. We take her on trips or give her like we take her places and she picks and that is because her birthday is December 18th right before Christmas. So she loves that. It is all my parents never did that. It was just a bunch of bunch of gifts that were torn through in like two seconds. So I just that's yeah I want to travel and I want to meet people and yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (37:58.666)
You want to do things a little differently.
Hayley Delashmit (38:01.288)
a lot differently. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (38:02.186)
Yeah, yeah, that's interesting. What do you think? How can I word this? Isn't it already here?
Hayley Delashmit (38:16.524)
What I have, what I'm doing, yeah. Yeah, I'm doing everything I wanna do. I mean, I have my home, I travel as often as I can. I do the outreaches, I do that. So I'm like, this is good for me. This, yeah, well, I don't have anything to be, if I die without waiting on a liver, that liver wasn't meant for me. It was meant for a kid that never drank. It was meant for somebody that had cancer. Then, like.
RBK Kaleidoscope (38:17.386)
what you wanna be.
RBK Kaleidoscope (38:28.362)
You sound fearless.
Hayley Delashmit (38:44.844)
Some people have bad livers, they're just born like that. So I don't, you know, my mom gets all freaked out and I'm like, ma, it's gonna be all right. I want to spend, sorry, I want to spend my time now, not thinking, oh, five years from now. I just want to be like, let's make memories and then talk about them if something happens, if I don't get the liver, if the transplant doesn't happen, you know, it's not the end of the world.
RBK Kaleidoscope (38:52.778)
Yeah, yeah, and I agree. Go ahead. No.
Hayley Delashmit (39:14.54)
It's just a simple goodbye, right? And I've set my child up where she'll be fine. And I mean, she knows. That's why I take so many videos, so many pictures, and I don't post most of them. And I make a journal for her, all of this. I write every day for her, like, about me. So I don't cry because it's my kid, but yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (39:17.61)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (39:40.06)
Shut up, sorry. Yeah, yeah. But, um... Well... She... I mean... Sorry. That's what I want for her. I want her to like, go to the beach house one day and open all the journals and all the videos. Because they're such good memories. So, that's kind of what I focus on today. And...
RBK Kaleidoscope (39:40.394)
No, no, no, stay with that, stay with that, it's beautiful.
Chuck LaFLange (39:41.594)
Um, don't don't be Yeah, somebody's got a cryer is not an episode. So please do. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (39:47.594)
Hehe.
RBK Kaleidoscope (39:53.77)
Don't be.
RBK Kaleidoscope (40:04.04)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (40:09.644)
probably will tomorrow and every day. It's setting her up for success. Yes, because I that she is my legacy, my only child. So, you know, she came from good roots. I just really had a bad, bad time there, you know? So, yeah, sorry.
RBK Kaleidoscope (40:12.81)
Set an existential legacy.
RBK Kaleidoscope (40:21.65)
Mm -hmm.
RBK Kaleidoscope (40:29.546)
Well, you had a time to say good or bad. I think, I mean, you're here and it's what it took to get here. So it all has value. Yeah. I mean.
Hayley Delashmit (40:38.476)
Yeah, and I think it's amazing that I'm here. It's like, whew. And when I wake up, I'm like, oh, I did it again. Thank you, I made it again. Thank you, Lord. Because you just don't know. Like, did I think that last drink would have been my last drink? No. I knew it was pretty freaking close, and I did selfishly send my daughter a text saying goodbye, and I was done with this. I was so done with everything. And I didn't realize at that moment,
RBK Kaleidoscope (40:57.642)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (41:07.916)
I was gonna die, but I had no idea. And so.
RBK Kaleidoscope (41:13.578)
We'll look at how that moment has served you.
Hayley Delashmit (41:17.836)
Yeah, I people are like you have PTSD from that fuck no That's like the best memory of I've ever I don't have many memories of Exactly what happened leading up to it. I said, but when I woke up every day I've had the best memories, you know
RBK Kaleidoscope (41:18.76)
You know.
RBK Kaleidoscope (41:35.882)
I have a lived question that just came to my mind. Okay, I'm gonna ask it to you too. Lived question means the answer, the question is the same, the answer changes all the time.
Hayley Delashmit (41:39.508)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (41:49.1)
Okay.
RBK Kaleidoscope (41:51.338)
What, and you'll be able to answer this, Haley. What would my life look like if I no longer feared death?
Hayley Delashmit (41:55.764)
Hmm?
Hayley Delashmit (42:03.5)
My personal life or your life? My personal life? Oh. Oh.
RBK Kaleidoscope (42:04.874)
Well, that's the question I would ask myself. And so I'm asking it out loud for you guys to ask yourself.
Hayley Delashmit (42:13.836)
So I need to start asking myself that. Oh, okay. Yeah. I.
RBK Kaleidoscope (42:15.722)
you do what you want with it. But I'm just saying, when I look at that, I'm like, wow, you know what, if I didn't fear death, well, that's the big one everyone fears. I mean, there's a horror industry that makes millions of dollars off that, fearing death.
Hayley Delashmit (42:22.892)
this.
I I I think oh I just embrace it. I don't I don't have any fear over death No, because I beat death. Yeah, I know so I'm living the life if I died right now if that's something happened I died right now I'm happy. I'm satisfied because I know I'm going I know it I have everything set up for my daughter and I know that she'll Just be thankful that I got sober and that I am Ben present and available for ever hurt the entire time
RBK Kaleidoscope (42:32.81)
That's my point. So this gift...
Chuck LaFLange (42:35.834)
I feel like your life would look a lot like it does now, Hayley.
RBK Kaleidoscope (42:42.472)
Yeah, yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (42:55.658)
And if I could live every day of my life from here on out in that space, then I would be the most fulfilled human being that ever walked on this earth.
Hayley Delashmit (42:56.14)
That is so...
Hayley Delashmit (43:03.786)
Eh.
Absolutely. That's why you don't, that's why they call me giggles. I am like, aw, my toe hurts. So go fuck your toe, just cut it off. It'll be fine. I don't know. Like it's, yeah. So sorry. Safe words are for pussies. Uh huh. Yeah. But no, the life I'm living today, when I woke up today, exactly what I want to do today, everything great today, for today.
RBK Kaleidoscope (43:11.338)
Yeah, it is what?
RBK Kaleidoscope (43:17.834)
See you for it.
RBK Kaleidoscope (43:33.258)
And so I asked you earlier, and I think that this question might be a little bit more resonated now, but like, do you understand what freedom is?
Hayley Delashmit (43:36.65)
Mm -hmm.
Hayley Delashmit (43:47.102)
Yeah, being here right now. Being able to talk. Yeah, being able to communicate and have an honest conversation with two human beings I've never met in person. I genuinely respect and love you, Chuck. I said genuinely, genuinely, Mike, Mike, genuinely. I mean, I'm OK, gentlemen, Jen. No, no, Jen. Thank you. Thank you. I told you all that Tennessee education, right, y 'all?
RBK Kaleidoscope (43:48.586)
This is it. You're living it.
RBK Kaleidoscope (43:58.762)
Generally. Oh, generally. For the most part. Genuinely.
Chuck LaFLange (44:03.61)
Oh, yeah. The annunciation was off there, but like, okay. Yeah. I was like, that's kind of an odd thing to say generally. Like, okay.
Hayley Delashmit (44:17.002)
It ain't right What does that word say mama no, I'm kidding I'm like forest scum fin over here Chuck I saved you some some chocolate Okay, anyways
Chuck LaFLange (44:18.298)
We still don't have to read notebooks.
RBK Kaleidoscope (44:23.242)
That's Alabama. Wrong state. Mama says.
Chuck LaFLange (44:28.794)
Ha ha ha.
Chuck LaFLange (44:32.954)
Yeah.
Chuck LaFLange (44:44.698)
Jeez. All right.
Hayley Delashmit (44:46.316)
I think anyways, people that I respect and care about and I get to be involved in their lives, what they're doing, you know, get invited to things and people are scared I'm going to show up drunk, right? I had just had a new follower the other day and it was, I'm one of my best friends, not anymore, in the old days, from Buffalo, New York days. Oh yeah, that's the drink in town. Well, yeah, Buffalo's...
RBK Kaleidoscope (44:57.45)
Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (45:08.202)
I've been to Buffalo. Yeah. Yeah. Nice place.
Hayley Delashmit (45:13.9)
I love Buffalo. I've met the most incredible human beings there. But do we all have that shit face together? Sure did. They cleaned their ass up. Haley didn't get there. Haley didn't go to that part of school in Buffalo. So anyway, so I was in her wedding in 2015 and her dad started following me and he asked, I was like, I know that name. And I was like, okay, mutual friends. I was like, oh, that's Stephanie's dad or said June was like, I don't know. So anyways,
He had a comment and I was like, weren't you at Stephanie's wedding? He was like, yeah, I'm her dad, right? And I was like, oh, see, now you realize why I need to get sober. Because I said, oh, fun memories of Vegas that I don't remember. So I got, I mean, it's just now people invite me and they know I'm going to be obviously extra, but just me having fun and just being not a hot mess express.
RBK Kaleidoscope (45:54.282)
Heheheheh
RBK Kaleidoscope (46:10.154)
Heh.
Hayley Delashmit (46:10.956)
So I love that. I love that they'll have those people, they see it and they love it. And you know, it's nice to be seen, I think sometimes.
RBK Kaleidoscope (46:19.21)
What?
I think we've just spent the last 40 minutes or so with your unique expression of what freedom is. And you talked about who you want to be for your daughter, who you want to be for you. You talked about letting go of the masks, putting those down, and just being good enough in the world. And a lot of the stuff I heard from your past, in my opinion...
Hayley Delashmit (46:46.442)
Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (46:49.034)
had a lot of socially controlled shame as a mechanism to keep you in whatever box you thought or society thought you should be in, and the liberation through not, you know, like, of course, you know, the recovery aspect has a major part of this, but I mean, the, not everybody in recovery has this understanding of the, of like, yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (46:53.388)
Yes.
Hayley Delashmit (47:00.614)
Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (47:12.204)
They don't, you're correct.
RBK Kaleidoscope (47:17.45)
Yeah, and it's like you enjoy, you life, you said life is a journey. I believe life is a process of growth process. And so every end, every so everything has value. You know, when I can see that everything has value, then I've lived a very valuable life. But how often do do we run across people that that live in the existential vacuum where it's negative driven perceptions of not enough, not good enough. And that's the way that shame works. And so like,
Hayley Delashmit (47:24.668)
Yeah, evolving, constantly evolving, right?
Hayley Delashmit (47:34.54)
Yeah, very fulfilled life. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (47:46.982)
What I'm hearing is this like, the shift that happens for you is the release of shame and the value of self that is continuing to evolve into what you talked about, this freedom of existence by being who you want to be and creating legacy for your daughter and ultimately her children and her children and her children. I mean, the buck can stop here.
Hayley Delashmit (47:47.136)
Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (47:52.62)
like release the shame and the value of self. That is continuing to evolve into what you talked about, freedom of existence by being who you want to be and creating like a team.
Hayley Delashmit (48:12.94)
Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (48:15.242)
relative to any transgenerational alcoholism. And that, you know, like, we don't, I don't think we go into this with like, I need enough courage to break the cycle. No, it's like, I'm, my ass is hot in hot water and I got to do something about this or I'm gonna die. You know, and like, in your case, literally, you're gonna, your doctor telling you you're gonna fucking die.
Hayley Delashmit (48:16.236)
Yeah. No, yeah, you're exactly right. I
Even it doesn't matter if it's something that has alcohol and if it touches my skin I can't I won't have it on me You know, there's alcohol and a lot of products that you wouldn't even think of but like I went to get some pretzels and I was like beer Beer cheese pretzels and I was like is this that beer in it y 'all? He was like, excuse me. I was like, well, this is beer and she's like, I don't know and I was like I don't want it She's like, I don't think it has beer. It's like it might I will die Haley doesn't want to die
RBK Kaleidoscope (48:57.034)
Heheheheh
RBK Kaleidoscope (49:05.278)
I'll die. Yeah, it might have been.
Hayley Delashmit (49:09.452)
I can't afford to die anymore with the way the US is with their medical. I can't afford to die. So no. We can't. Yeah.
RBK Kaleidoscope (49:14.186)
Yeah, that's crazy. When we get to gratitude, I know what mine is. Anyway.
Chuck LaFLange (49:23.578)
kidding. Well, and that said, guys, that said, we are getting to that point in the show now, I am gonna actually cut it down here. And not because I want to, Haley, I mean, wow, right? I've got to see a side of you through this that not that I had any negative conceptions about you, but wow, right? I am completely blown away by, you know.
RBK Kaleidoscope (49:27.242)
Okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (49:37.418)
You didn't know.
Hayley Delashmit (49:42.028)
I think people might get confused with my love for God and religion because I accept it They're two different things like I told you it's talking about earlier So they have it they think I'm gonna be that kind of Christian It's not true because I've been to heaven and I've had my all the dirt washed with the blood so It's I don't like I told you I I don't walk into a church and feel comfortable still and God is literally always with me So people do have misconceptions on me. You're correct. I
Chuck LaFLange (49:51.29)
It's not that for me.
Chuck LaFLange (50:11.706)
No, it's not that Haley for me. It's I got to see more of you than I have. So it wasn't, you know what I mean? Like, it's just, it's like, wow, right? Sitting here, I've been absolutely in awe the entire episode, which is, which explains my silence for most of it as well. Right. So yeah, yeah. No, it's been amazing. Um, that does bring us to my, that does bring us to my favorite part of the show. That's the Daily Gratitudes. Chivalry not being dead just yet.
Hayley Delashmit (50:11.884)
I'm actually pretty fine.
Hayley Delashmit (50:17.804)
Probably so. Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (50:23.788)
Yeah, I'm shocked about that too, by the way. It's impressive. I'm just happy y 'all had me on tonight. It was really good. Jesus.
Chuck LaFLange (50:41.946)
even outside of the South. Haley, what you got for us for some gratitude today?
Hayley Delashmit (50:46.54)
Today I am grateful that my daughter called me for Uber Eats in Nashville and I had to spend $45 on Chick -fil -A for her. I'm thankful for that. I'm grateful that my mom's rescue dog, he has kidney problems and she's got him out of the vet and they have a new treatment they can put him on. So I'm grateful for that, for his life, because he's Henry, he's my little, I don't know.
emotional support animal is Mariah the other narcotic, like not narcotic, she said, what is the word? Not narcotic. Let me try again. She says insane dog. No, what is the word? Doesn't matter. I'm grateful for her because her name's Mariah. She's scared of everything. Her shadow, everything. But me, not scared of it all. And she'll just, and then write to me. She's like, so I'm grateful for all that. My mom's happy about that.
Chuck LaFLange (51:14.594)
You know, I...
RBK Kaleidoscope (51:20.65)
throw it in.
RBK Kaleidoscope (51:24.712)
narcoleptic?
Hayley Delashmit (51:44.556)
My mom was really sad last week with the transplant news and all that. I'm grateful for today that she didn't stay in her thoughts and just be silent because sometimes it's hard for a parent to deal with a kid going through what I'm going through. But my mom has been amazing, so I'm grateful for that. That's all. I'm to be here.
Chuck LaFLange (52:00.724)
Thank you.
Awesome. You know, I can relate to the whole dog thing. Ryan, what do you have for us from Graditude City?
Hayley Delashmit (52:07.892)
No, no.
RBK Kaleidoscope (52:09.994)
Well, like they said, I'm grateful for MSP and benefits in the Canadian medical system. Man. Yeah, you know, you take it for granted here. So, yeah, I'm grateful for that. I'm always grateful for my little ones. God, they're hilarious. Cameron is crazy.
Hayley Delashmit (52:18.8)
Yeah. Yeah.
Hayley Delashmit (52:32.478)
I'm for my little one.
RBK Kaleidoscope (52:38.858)
She's crazy. She literally has no fear of anything. And she's one and a half. And then Mackie's six and afraid of her own shadow. So I guess Cameron's definitely taking after me on this one. So she's going to have concussion issues, definitely. Oh yeah. She'll be a, she loves hats and shoes. Her favorite thing to do is put the toque over her head and run as fast as you can around the house. Wham.
Hayley Delashmit (52:42.476)
I love her. I don't even know where I love her. Oh. Oh.
Hayley Delashmit (52:53.612)
Right? It's fine. She'll bounce back. Give her some hats. Give her some helmets. It's fine.
Hayley Delashmit (53:07.572)
Oh my gosh, she's my spirit child. I do it all the time.
RBK Kaleidoscope (53:09.002)
Yeah. And I'm like, was it me? I didn't do that. I swear to God. Yeah. Anyway, so yes, my kids, I love my kids. I'm beautiful and patient and understanding wife, obviously. And Haley, it's you. I'm grateful for you. I'm grateful for you taking the time today and letting us chat a little bit about your experiences. I hope.
Hayley Delashmit (53:28.428)
It's you.
I'm grateful for y 'all for having me. It was great. It was great for me. It's a lot of fun for me. Yeah, I got a lot of out of it. I got a lot of fulfillment out of it is what I was trying to say.
RBK Kaleidoscope (53:39.498)
Yeah, it's fun. It's fun for me, I don't know. Yeah, in... Good, okay. Chuck?
Excellent. Good, I'm really happy to hear that.
Chuck LaFLange (53:54.616)
Myself, I am grateful to another amazing conversation with another amazing guest. Haley, you've been absolutely wonderful. I'm glad that we finally got to do a chance to have you on our show. Of course, we've met up on others and you've been on the live stream, but this is the first time on Ashes to Awesome and I dare say not the last. I got to echo your gratitudes about the dog thing. This little fucker has been sitting here, head on my lap the whole time, just happy to be loved. You know, so.
Hayley Delashmit (54:04.362)
Yes.
Hayley Delashmit (54:12.428)
I hope not.
Chuck LaFLange (54:24.442)
That's pretty awesome. There's so many things I'm grateful for. We are coming up on a year. Ryan, I guess we're going to have... Nope, this will be our last actual published one before we come up on the year date. The 27th will be a year since we started the show. No, since Ash is Awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, it was under the other name in the beginning, but a year since I created the podcast on February 27th. So, yeah. So happy one year to that. I'm grateful for so many things over the last year.
RBK Kaleidoscope (54:37.162)
for kaleidoscope or astroscope?
RBK Kaleidoscope (54:48.714)
Wow. Well.
Chuck LaFLange (54:54.554)
So many amazing things in the last year. I'm also very, very grateful to every single person who continues to like, comment, share, subscribe, do all the things down at the bottom. Every time you do any one of these things, you're getting me a little bit closer to living my best life. My best life is to make a humble living spreading the message. The message is this. If you're an active addiction right now, today could be that day. Today could be the day that you start a lifelong journey. Reach out to a friend, reach out to a family member, call in a detox, go to a meeting, pray, go to church. I don't care.
Do whatever it is you have to do to get that journey started because it is so much better than the alternative. And if you have a loved one who's suffering an addiction right now, just taking the time to listen to this conversation. If you could just take one more minute out of your day and text that person, let them know they are loved. Use the words.
RBK Kaleidoscope (55:40.778)
You are loved.
Hayley Delashmit (55:41.066)
You are loved. You are loved. I say that all the time. I can't wait for my hoodie. I told you I'm extra choked.
Chuck LaFLange (55:44.09)
That little glimmer of hope just might be the thing that...
That little glimmer of hope just might be the thing that brings them back. I kill you. I kill you.
Hayley Delashmit (55:56.364)
No.
Hayley Delashmit (56:00.308)
SILENCE!
Shattered Stigma
Yatra
Morning Cup
