195 - KALEIDOSCOPE WED - BOUNDARIES & EMOTIONS -HOLIDAY SPECIAL

RBK Kaleidoscope (00:01.118)
No. No, not to.

RBK Kaleidoscope (00:05.74)
No.

Chuck LaFLange (00:05.797)
I'm waiting till you have the book. Do it, do the book. Do the book, I'm waiting. I'm not doing anything till you get the book.

RBK Kaleidoscope (00:11.053)
I can't. Oh, hey there.

Chuck LaFLange (00:17.053)
Do it! Do it! Do it! Perfect, perfect, okay. Okay, no, get the book! We're doing the- I wanna do the book. It's perfect. It's a- We're not recording- No, I gotta do the intro and then intro you and then you gotta do the- Okay, come on, let's do it. It'll be fun. It'll be a new thing to do. No, we're not- Do the fucking-

RBK Kaleidoscope (00:23.085)
Oh my god, I don't want to do the book.

I just did it! We're recording! Cut it up!

RBK Kaleidoscope (00:32.846)
I don't want come on don't make me do this We did it last time we're gonna water it down

We're gonna water it down. There's no- just what makes you think you have rank?

Chuck LaFLange (00:44.849)
I'm pulling rank on you right now. Mine says host, yours says co-host, do the fucking book. Ha ha ha.

RBK Kaleidoscope (00:50.803)
I don't want to do the book, dude.

Chuck LaFLange (00:53.052)
Do the fucking book, Ryan. Can we please do the book? Thank you. I appreciate you.

Chuck LaFLange (01:01.878)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (01:04.971)
Shut up.

Chuck LaFLange (01:09.017)
Hello everybody, watchers, listeners, supporters of all kinds. Welcome to another episode of Kaleidoscope Wednesday on the weekend. Oh, fuck. Okay. Hello everybody, watchers, listeners, supporters of all kinds. Welcome to the... Hello everybody. Fuck sakes, man. Hello everybody, watchers, listeners, supporters of all kinds. Welcome to another episode of Kaleidoscope Wednesday on the Ashes of Awesome podcast. I'm your host, Dracul Flandre. You can check it in from Phuket, Thailand.

In Virtual Studio with me, halfway around the world is Ryan Baffgate. How are you doing today, Ryan?

RBK Kaleidoscope (01:37.49)
Oh hey there!

RBK Kaleidoscope (01:43.606)
Taking a book in.

Chuck LaFLange (01:47.565)
I love it.

RBK Kaleidoscope (01:50.936)
Yeah, you know I do that No Yeah, hey How am I I'm a bit tired but

Chuck LaFLange (01:52.857)
behind the curtain I made him do it he didn't want to do it but I made him do it so yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (02:08.438)
Yeah, I got like, I'm, you know, 45, could have better blood pressure and weight. And so I have a CPAP and I got a new one. My old one on my old company's benefits was awful. That's called a static, you can't change it. This new one's an auto. Anyway, I've been sleeping so good that I'm sleeping right through my alarm, missing the gym in the morning. I did that three days in a row.

Chuck LaFLange (02:27.351)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (02:37.822)
That's the first time that's ever happened in my life. So that's some big news, but I went to bed too late last night. And so I've been dragging my ass a bit today.

Chuck LaFLange (02:41.39)
No kidding, eh?

Chuck LaFLange (02:45.82)
Wow.

RBK Kaleidoscope (02:52.786)
Yeah. What's going on with you?

Chuck LaFLange (02:54.541)
Okay, okay, okay.

Right, well for myself it's, well, you know, here in Thailand things are pretty good. I've got, they sure have, and recently at that, right? I'm moving here, I'm not actually moving until the 12th, you know, I have to pay for the place, you know, from the first, but as I was watching, like it's high season starts in December here, right? So it was really important to me that I grabbed a place that I wanted.

RBK Kaleidoscope (02:59.906)
They've been worse, that's for sure.

RBK Kaleidoscope (03:19.583)
Mm.

Chuck LaFLange (03:23.329)
So, and I didn't mess around. And as I was going through the classifieds, obsessing over them five, six times a day, I would see that like the supply dropping of cheap places, you know, cheap, nice places. So I was like, I really want this place, it's perfect. I put some pictures up, I've showed you of course, right? It's got the recording studio, that are the loft that I can use as a recording studio, which I'm super amped about. So I've got that secured in now and then.

RBK Kaleidoscope (03:35.697)
Mm.

Chuck LaFLange (03:51.289)
but I'm not actually gonna move to the 12th. I'm gonna stay here with the rest of the team at Yatra in Phuket until the 12th, and that's when they're moving down to Krabi, so then I can jump in with them. So pretty excited for that. And then once I get down there, I can get a scooter, rent one, right? I'm not gonna be able to buy one right away, of course, but I can rent a scooter and have some freedom, and it's gonna be, yeah. Yeah, in theory.

RBK Kaleidoscope (04:07.106)
So what, do you have to have a license ring or?

Chuck LaFLange (04:16.949)
So, okay, fuck it, I'll say it. What I have come to learn about Thailand, I probably shouldn't say this online, but I'm gonna anyway, is yes, in theory, you're supposed to have a license, right? But the police here aren't necessarily the most honest in the world. And they'll set up shop, like on a Friday. And if you go through and you're completely legit, like one of these checks, like you've got all your license, your insurance, everything fucking checks out.

RBK Kaleidoscope (04:21.838)
I like it. Risqué.

Chuck LaFLange (04:47.289)
they will make something up. Like, oh, look, you're not supposed to have passengers on this road between 430 and 442. So you're gonna have to pay a fine. Now, if you pay that fine in cash on the spot, it's a very easy process, even actually if they write you a fine, but nobody ever actually writes fines, they're all cash fines. So essentially if you carry a thousand baht with you, which is $40 Canadian at all times, you can get through any check stop ever. So that's what I've come to learn.

RBK Kaleidoscope (04:50.228)
Uh-huh.

RBK Kaleidoscope (05:01.451)
Right.

RBK Kaleidoscope (05:07.724)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (05:16.017)
And if Mike listens to this episode, he's going to trip balls because he's not going to be. He's not the kind of guy that would pull something like that off. But I've come to learn through whatever avenues here that that's kind of how things work. So ultimately, I do need to get my license because there's all sorts of things that I want to do here, right. And I like live life, but I also don't want to be landlocked in my house. And you know what I mean? So I'm going to be. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (05:18.186)
You want to listen. Don't worry, you're good.

RBK Kaleidoscope (05:39.306)
Yeah, no, like, I had lost my license for five years at one time.

RBK Kaleidoscope (05:48.082)
I pretty much lived on the B line and hopped the B line every day, downtown Vancouver. My life could fit in a backpack, you know? It was my backpack and my headphones and that was my life.

Chuck LaFLange (05:48.929)
Yeah, it's frustrating, right?

Chuck LaFLange (05:57.705)
So that's not so bad, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (06:05.137)
Yeah, yeah, right. So here, like I wouldn't do that here in Phuket. There's just no way I would drive here in Phuket because it's insanity. This is like, Thailand's number one or two for road deaths every year, right? They stack up their toddlers with no helmets on scooters and drive, like it's just, it's like nothing you've ever seen. So Krabi though is more country life. Like there's a city there that I'm gonna be in, but it's very relaxed and it's very, you know, it's a smaller center and it's not all touristed out. So.

RBK Kaleidoscope (06:13.421)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (06:32.854)
How's your tie coming along?

Chuck LaFLange (06:33.545)
A little bit of a safer environment for sure, right? So, yeah, yeah. I know my pet and cop and cop. So, not spicy and thank you. That's it, right? Not spicy being a pretty vital part. It was funny, because that was when I landed, I stayed my first night at Mike's place and he's like, you need to know this. My pet means not spicy.

RBK Kaleidoscope (06:41.558)
So you're... you sure? So you're good.

Chuck LaFLange (06:58.785)
And then like just a few days ago, he's like, you remember my pet means not spicy. Like he's like, you need to know, right? None of all the other, the please, the thank yous, none of that. He's like, make sure you understand my pet. Cause you know, I do not enjoy spicy food. So sorry.

RBK Kaleidoscope (07:04.426)
Yeah, cause yeah, I'd burn you a new one. You'll Johnny Cash ring of fire.

Chuck LaFLange (07:16.469)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not even that. It's not that it hurts my stomach. It's not that I get like stomach issues. I just don't think eating should hurt. It's my second favorite thing to do. And I just like, I've been like that since I was a kid and I'm like, you know, I'm just a big pussy when it comes down to it. Right? So, or wimp, I guess we should say.

RBK Kaleidoscope (07:21.379)
Heh heh.

RBK Kaleidoscope (07:30.251)
I see I like hot, but I'm not good at it. Not at all, no.

Chuck LaFLange (07:37.766)
No.

RBK Kaleidoscope (07:37.886)
No. Yeah, it's the word, y'all. It's like I love sports, not good at those. But keep going, keep playing. Yeah, make it.

Chuck LaFLange (07:48.189)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, yeah. I'll tell you something else though. Cigarettes, I'm on day four now, you know, back to the vape, no smokings, right? You know, as I say, man, one is a big difference from the other, right? You know, health-wise, I mean, you know. Yeah, yeah. Oh, and I did back-wise, you know, I used to own vape shops back in Saskatchewan, right? You know, so the first time I ever picked one up, I stopped smoking for two years, right? And then, but then, you know.

RBK Kaleidoscope (07:53.767)
as you shake your vape.

RBK Kaleidoscope (07:58.37)
Yeah, I made the change a decade ago. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (08:11.646)
You know what I did? I started and I never quit smoking. I just stopped buying them. It had my vape.

Chuck LaFLange (08:20.626)
I'll tell you what, if somebody came through here right now with a pack of smokes, I would like instantly be on them for a cigarette. I'm not going to lie, right? But the challenge is I don't want to buy a whole pack. It's and it's not even about money here. They're really cheap, right? I don't want to buy a pack. So I'm like, no, I'm just going to stick to the vape. Right. I'm just, you know, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (08:22.763)
Yeah, wow.

RBK Kaleidoscope (08:32.298)
That's what I'm saying. You don't buy a pack and it just doesn't matter. I think I'll, you know, if I'm at baseball or working on the car or something, but what I'm very conscious of now is the smell of cigarettes. And I hate, hate smelling like cigarettes in public. So that's my number one deterrent now. Yeah. And it's raining or something. It's like, oh, yeah. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (08:48.079)
Ah, right.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember standing in line just after we started vaping, standing in line behind somebody with that smelt like smoke in a 7-Eleven. I was like, you are gross. Now I get it, now I get it, you know, right? Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (08:58.942)
Yeah, yeah, now, yeah, so I get addicted to the vape and I can smell cigarettes and what they, there's no cloak and dagger anymore, you know, like, you smell them for what they are, it's like, ugh. Smells like a fucking wet ashtray.

Chuck LaFLange (09:12.182)
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty gross. Pretty gross, right? Yeah, yeah, so. But whatever, right? Whatever. So as you know, I had my mom on the show. That was awesome and epic and wonderful in so many ways. You know, yeah, yeah. What did you think of that episode?

RBK Kaleidoscope (09:12.692)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (09:17.595)
Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, caught that.

RBK Kaleidoscope (09:23.31)
That's good. I mean, you know, two pretty smart women there and you smart woman. And yeah, you know, I'm. I agreed with most opinions and I was captivated by the story. So let's you know, I like some of those stories are about you being a kid and like, sit and laugh and remember half of that, you know, so.

Chuck LaFLange (09:33.819)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (09:53.122)
Or like talking about like how you know your mom's integrity and like oh, yeah, she said it she made it yeah Don't touch that remote control Yeah, no No, we'd be like looking at the remote like how can she tell how does she know we used it you know studying it Which is G like you know

Chuck LaFLange (09:53.587)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. If not the specific events that time in my life or whatever, right? Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (10:06.606)
We never doubted that, did we?

Chuck LaFLange (10:20.465)
True story, man. True story. And she basically, she spent her whole lives convincing us that she knew when she didn't. Right? Like that was her trick, right? You know, it's just, we thought she knew and that was enough, right? You know? Right?

RBK Kaleidoscope (10:26.058)
Wow, it worked. Yeah, it worked. And the other thing was like, that was about like not watching TV all damn day. You know, like getting outside and throwing rocks at each other. Was that you that got hit in the head? Was that you that got hit in the head, Crack's head open? Remember when they had those new builds down the street?

Chuck LaFLange (10:38.705)
Mm-hmm.

Chuck LaFLange (10:42.677)
Yeah. Go play with fire, you know.

RBK Kaleidoscope (10:50.042)
We had a rock fight. One of us got hit. It wasn't me. One of us got hit and split their head open.

Chuck LaFLange (10:51.461)
Well, I remember the new bills, like they were right across the street from us, right? Yeah.

I don't know. I don't remember that. That might explain something, so, I don't know. Yeah, yeah. You know what I do remember is the ice rink between your place and our place, closer to your place. Do you remember like that little public, in that little park? Yeah, yeah, by Perry's place, if you remember Perry Gelswald, if you remember like right in behind over there. Yeah, yeah. I remember...

RBK Kaleidoscope (10:58.8)
I don't remember it, yeah? It probably was you then.

RBK Kaleidoscope (11:07.134)
in that park?

RBK Kaleidoscope (11:12.626)
Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Is that behind Jeff Walker's? Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (11:21.901)
Yes, yes, yeah, right there, yeah. Gee, if you guys happen to be listening, hey, blast from the past, Sarah, hey, right? All right.

RBK Kaleidoscope (11:22.07)
Sorry. Yeah. I talked to him once in a while on Facebook and Brandon and Mark, Mark Paint Show. I don't know if you remember those guys. Yeah, I need a brother. I don't remember, but like, you know, I spent a lot of time there, especially after you guys moved away.

Chuck LaFLange (11:36.343)
Oh, Christy Painshaw. Christy was his sister, right?

Chuck LaFLange (11:43.253)
Older brother. Yeah. Right. I guess so. So, but yeah, I remember somebody calling an ambulance because I slipped on the ice and hit my head and going, like going to the hospital in the ambulance and mom being lit right up about it. It's like, we live a three minute walk away. Why are we paying a $350 and 40 years ago ambulance bill, right? Oh, absolutely.

RBK Kaleidoscope (11:52.22)
Oh yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (12:03.21)
Yeah, yeah, he's right literally down the down the alley and across the street Like now you're like

Chuck LaFLange (12:12.057)
At the time I was like, you don't even care about me. But in the end it was like, yeah, no shit, right? Yeah. Right? Just walk it off, right? You know? Right?

RBK Kaleidoscope (12:17.878)
Yeah, yeah, it was the 80s. There was no such thing as concussions. How many figures? Get back in there. Yeah. Yeah, and then.

Chuck LaFLange (12:29.844)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (12:33.457)
Right, right, anyway. So hey, listen, we're going into the holiday season, right? Tough time for people, right? Tough time for people indeed. So I definitely wanna touch base on some of those things and maybe get your thoughts on, well, whatever you think might be pertinent for, as we get into those days.

RBK Kaleidoscope (12:52.366)
I think like, you know, something that I think we just don't do or think to do is prepare.

You know, like how, you know, let's, if, you know, like, if I'm going into a project at work, I prepare, I look at mitigating risks. I look at efficiency, um, and overall fulfillment and, you know, like, and so, like, why would that be any different? Uh, you know, I don't know about you, but I don't have a, a clean bill of mental health history, you know? No.

Chuck LaFLange (13:05.699)
health.

RBK Kaleidoscope (13:30.95)
And so, like, you know, I just, I'm just thinking like, hey, okay, so it's the 28th. We're hitting December this week. Ish Saturday for Friday, Friday is the first

Chuck LaFLange (13:33.315)
Most certainly not.

RBK Kaleidoscope (13:46.702)
29th, 30th, yeah Friday, yeah. So like.

Chuck LaFLange (13:47.141)
There's only 30 days in this month. So yeah. Friday. Yeah, Friday.

RBK Kaleidoscope (13:53.343)
I guess, I guess...

You know, we could take it to, we could look at the specifics of, you know, coping stances, but I think it's a little broader than that. I think most people have, well, I don't know, what's the statistic? How many, one out of every three citizens experiences mental health in their lifetime?

RBK Kaleidoscope (14:22.206)
I don't know. I was going to look it up, but you know what? I'm not going to. Regardless, how do we, how do we, I guess, I guess you, I guess maybe I'll ask you a question. What are the kind of things you do to cope with your mental health over the holidays?

Chuck LaFLange (14:23.233)
Is it that high? Yeah. I believe that it is. You know, it's just convinced me. That's for sure.

RBK Kaleidoscope (14:41.931)
historically.

Chuck LaFLange (14:44.621)
Well, I'll tell you what, it's actually something, well, that actually opens up kind of a bigger thing than that, brother. So I posted my daily vlog yesterday, and one of the things that I'd mentioned in it was, I wanna say 10 years, but it hasn't been that much, but it feels like 10 years, and not that much short of it, since I've celebrated Christmas in a normal way, right? Family and all that.

RBK Kaleidoscope (15:06.521)
Mm-hmm.

Chuck LaFLange (15:12.077)
So one of the things now, and maybe it's something to address as well, of course I'm kind of in the epicenter of addressing mental health right now, being at the Otter Treatment Center, is that I moved away right before I had a chance at a normal Christmas, right? For the first time in years and years and years. So it's one of those things that I'm actually really struggling with right now. It's like, shit man, like, you know. Yeah, I moved away from Canada.

RBK Kaleidoscope (15:32.074)
So you moved away from Lucia or Regina?

RBK Kaleidoscope (15:37.642)
Oh yeah, a year ago, a year ago, yeah right, wow.

Chuck LaFLange (15:41.549)
Right? Yeah. Oh yeah, yeah. But I mean, now I could have had a normal Christmas, right, for the first time. Well, last year I could have, but I was like fresh, fresh into recovery. And you know what I mean? Like I'm nowhere near the fulfilled human being that I am right now. You know what I mean? Like nowhere near this. Yeah, yeah, right.

RBK Kaleidoscope (15:43.638)
What about last year?

RBK Kaleidoscope (15:53.246)
Yeah, yeah, just curious like because there was sort of been an opportunity there yet You know you spend 20 years running into the woods. It ain't gonna take two seconds to run out Yeah

Chuck LaFLange (16:03.149)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (16:08.313)
Fair enough, right? So now I would consider this my first, you know, right? I'm not white-knuckling it. I'm doing pretty good. You know what I mean? And then I move halfway around the world. Right? So there's some, there's that, I have no regrets about where I am. I have only gratitudes about where I am. But there's a part of me that's like, fuck, that kind of sucks, you know? And I'm kind of bracing for that, that tang of loneliness that.

RBK Kaleidoscope (16:12.62)
Mm-hmm.

Mhm.

Chuck LaFLange (16:32.697)
that I felt for so long that this time though, I could have easily avoided, if that makes sense. I think so. Emptiness and wow, there's sadness and there's regrets and there's all sorts of things there.

RBK Kaleidoscope (16:34.353)
Is that what it is? Is it loneliness?

RBK Kaleidoscope (16:40.362)
What else is there?

RBK Kaleidoscope (16:47.006)
Okay, so why don't you define for me loneliness?

RBK Kaleidoscope (16:58.786)
Feeling like you don't have any people?

Chuck LaFLange (16:59.109)
feeling like you don't have people. I don't know, right? Hate it when you do that to me. Yeah, like just feeling alone, you know, right? Yeah, yeah. And I know I got people, right? I know I got people, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (17:09.285)
feeling alone well I know but it's funny like you know because we all use this word

and define it.

Chuck LaFLange (17:21.361)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (17:25.854)
Well, so this, and so here's, so this is, what I'm gonna try and do here is highlight a process. So I said here, we're gonna mitigate risk factors, correct? As we head into the holidays. So it's a mental health risk management.

Chuck LaFLange (17:26.257)
I can't, so you're about to do it for me, so why don't we cut through this and... ..

Chuck LaFLange (17:35.862)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (17:46.354)
if you will. So I don't define loneliness the same as Webster's or whoever this is. So loneliness is sadness because one has no friends or company.

Chuck LaFLange (17:49.018)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (18:07.054)
So you're close. There are no people. Or the fact of being without companions or solitariness. And then I have a place, quality of being unfrequented and remote isolation. I don't know about you, but none of those do it for me.

Chuck LaFLange (18:10.314)
How do you define it?

Chuck LaFLange (18:23.153)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (18:30.178)
So I always talk about this choice thing, choice and freedom, they are the same thing. And from an existential perspective, if I accept this as my definition, then I'm still making a choice. What I'm choosing to do is accept that, which is perfectly fine. I do it with inanimate objects all the time, just because I don't want to reframe everything in my work. I'm talking to you on the computer. Remember that conversation? So

Chuck LaFLange (18:34.442)
Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (18:39.569)
Mm-hmm.

RBK Kaleidoscope (19:00.386)
So why don't we make one?

Chuck LaFLange (19:00.782)
Yes.

RBK Kaleidoscope (19:03.687)
What is loneliness to you?

Chuck LaFLange (19:06.583)
OK.

RBK Kaleidoscope (19:09.874)
Is it though? Because I don't think that's... I think that... I think you're answering a question to answer a question. With that answer.

Chuck LaFLange (19:10.217)
Yeah. Well, it's just what I said it is, but if you want to throw it. Well, I need some help defining it differently then. Right. Okay. Give me some help. Walk me through defining this in a different way. Yep. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (19:20.486)
Okay, so I'm gonna put myself in it. Now, to do that, I'm a feeling center. Feeling center is not my head. I would say upper chest, heart area for listeners. And the first word that comes to my head is empty. Insufficient.

RBK Kaleidoscope (19:45.33)
Not enough. It's shame. There's shame in it. Loneliness has shame in it. I've never thought of that before.

Huh. And so when I think about it from that perspective, that's a way different answer than the one I just read or the first one you gave. You know what I mean? And the other thing is now I've made a choice as to that's what that means to me. So anytime I hear that word, those feelings, I understand them to be attached to that. So now I've expanded my emotional lexicon, my emotional intelligence, and

Chuck LaFLange (20:07.665)
is sure is yeah

RBK Kaleidoscope (20:23.91)
I've concretized my understanding of one word. That is also a word that is in the foundation of why I need to cope over a holiday or whatever. But I mean, wherever you have addiction, you have isolation and loneliness.

Chuck LaFLange (20:31.85)
Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (20:39.297)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (20:42.582)
Like, I've just never seen it without. Yeah. Yeah, it's not, you know what I mean? And like, this is, you know, I wanna go back to that thing that Alan Watts saying, everyday ordinary consciousness leaves out more than it takes in. And so all of this stuff, like we go into the holidays without thinking about this, which means all of the factors that we're talking about right now are outside of awareness doing, they're not doing good things.

Chuck LaFLange (20:44.833)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (20:49.782)
Fair, fair, right? Even if it's not on the surface, it's there, right?

RBK Kaleidoscope (21:13.11)
Before, yeah, before I, yeah, I was gonna swear and I caught myself because I'm growing, I'm evolving as an adult. So, okay, so, you know, like just, so I mean, that's how quick that process is. And so when I'm sitting and I'm doing, you know, I'm thinking about, okay, I need to plan my mental health for the holidays. And that it's really, it's an intentional act. And I think it has to be in order for us to have.

Chuck LaFLange (21:15.557)
They're working really hard, all right? Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (21:24.605)
I'm sorry.

RBK Kaleidoscope (21:40.898)
So what we're doing is we're taking our consciousness and we're expanding its horizon. So now those things that were outside of awareness, we're bringing them inside of awareness, which makes them in our perceptual control. So now I have a say in how those work. When they're outside of awareness, they're fair. And this is why we have so many issues and we don't understand why. The why is always outside of awareness. The answer, if we don't get it, it's the answer, there's an answer there.

Chuck LaFLange (21:41.613)
Yeah. Yes.

RBK Kaleidoscope (22:09.462)
It's what expanding our horizon of understanding. And we do that by just like, this is a really simple way to dissect what that means, attach choice and freedom to it and attach whatever emotion I want to have with it. And now it's part of me. Now it's an integrated part of myself that I'm fully aware of. So take that, take trauma and the process of trauma integration, that's what you're doing is you're owning your trauma instead of letting it sit outside of awareness.

Chuck LaFLange (22:16.117)
Okay. Yeah.

Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (22:34.039)
Mm-hmm. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (22:37.97)
and have impact on your day to day decisions, feelings, thoughts, fucking everything. You know? And so if I go blindly into this again, in my 45th Christmas, then I'm just a fool. For not looking at this sooner, you know what I mean? Well, now that I exactly now I know better.

Chuck LaFLange (22:47.671)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (22:55.509)
Yeah, right. Now that you know better. So I just, not calling anybody a fool once you educate yourself, right? Then, you know what I mean? No, I'm just saying to the masses, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (23:00.582)
I just literally call myself a fool. Nobody else. As in like a subjective way that someone might listen to that. Okay, yeah, that's fair. So yeah, I'm not calling anyone a fool. I'm saying that once I know better, I have a responsibility.

Chuck LaFLange (23:18.989)
Yeah, just like anything else, right? With a disease, if you're suffering an addiction, anything, once you understand what's happening to you, it's up to you to do something about it. This is no different, right? Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (23:25.022)
Right, and based on an existential premise, responsibility and freedom are the same thing. So we have that all tied up together. The Buddhist philosophy of choice and freedom, the existential philosophy of responsibility and freedom all in one, just by looking at that one word, loneliness. Yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, oh, yeah, you go for days on that. Goldman actually has a new book out called... Oh...

Chuck LaFLange (23:47.885)
Wow, right. Geez, we could do a whole other episode on emotional lexicon, couldn't we? Right? Or another series if we wanted to, right? Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (23:54.862)
Wow, on my phone, yeah, my phone's right over there. It is a, I haven't read it yet, cause it's not released yet. I pre-ordered it though. What's that? Goldman, G-O-L-E-M-A-N. He's the emotional intelligence guru. If you ever wanna learn about emotional intelligence, read any of Daniel Goldman.

Chuck LaFLange (24:04.441)
Who? Who's the author?

Who's the author? Who is the author?

RBK Kaleidoscope (24:20.814)
It's called Opus Opa.

Chuck LaFLange (24:22.945)
Yes. New book.

RBK Kaleidoscope (24:27.274)
That's an old one. Go man.

Chuck LaFLange (24:28.301)
Why it can matter more than IQ or is that an old book? That's an old book.

RBK Kaleidoscope (24:37.381)
Um, where are we here?

I don't want to get lost in this. I should put new book in. Did you put that?

Chuck LaFLange (24:44.279)
Martial Intelligence?

RBK Kaleidoscope (24:49.131)
Um, or is it?

Chuck LaFLange (24:50.489)
Yeah, I did, and it's not really coming up with anything.

RBK Kaleidoscope (24:55.386)
Now, I mean, he's got so many. Wow. Oh, yeah. Like, he's the guy. He's the emotional intelligence guy, the emotionally intelligent leader working with emotional intelligence. Why do we meditate?

Chuck LaFLange (24:57.593)
Social Intelligence?

Chuck LaFLange (25:02.649)
He really does, hey? Holy crap, man.

Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (25:11.461)
Focus the hidden driver of excellence? No, no, that's not what it was.

RBK Kaleidoscope (25:11.53)
Yeah, I like that term. Anyway, so yeah, he's great. His new book, it's on my phone. I have it pre-ordered in audio. And I can't tell you right now because my camera's on my phone. So, regardless. So why don't we do another one?

Chuck LaFLange (25:26.787)
Okay. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (25:34.398)
Okay, so let's just put myself here. Okay, I'm going into the holidays with a very, with an understanding of my history, which is I traditionally use ramen eggnog to not deal with my mental health or whatever it might be. Okay? If I separate that and I look at that, I'm going into this, putting myself into years past from an emotional lens, it's not cognitive.

Chuck LaFLange (25:36.853)
Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (25:54.125)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (26:03.054)
I want to start coming up with the feelings that start popping up. And so like loneliness is one, bam, right away. And really it's, see loneliness because it has that shame attached to it. I think that's the difference between alone and lonely is the element of shame because I love to be alone. I'm an introvert, but being lonely means I need to cope.

Chuck LaFLange (26:22.318)
Yes.

RBK Kaleidoscope (26:26.958)
Okay, so why don't we look at...

Chuck LaFLange (26:30.099)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (26:34.378)
Well, the most obvious smack you in the face one is probably fear.

Right? I mean... You know, um...

Chuck LaFLange (26:45.722)
Yeah, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (26:47.918)
So fear, let's do that. Let's do a process on fear. So what is fear? Give me a definition.

Chuck LaFLange (27:00.965)
Fear, as I know, is the... Well, no, no. It's the unknown.

RBK Kaleidoscope (27:09.93)
No, no, no. You fear that? So this is, you know, you stole it. That's my definition. That's what I use. I made, I chose that because it's really simple. I personally, I want to make my definitions as simple as possible.

Chuck LaFLange (27:11.213)
No, anxiety is fear of the unknown.

Right?

Chuck LaFLange (27:19.541)
Yeah. Hahaha.

Chuck LaFLange (27:27.03)
Okay, okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (27:31.082)
Believe it or not, I really do. I mean, the complexity of what's attached to it is not simple. So when I say fear is a lack of information, I have so much thought and theory that goes into that, that statement represents a spiderweb of different knowledge bases. Does that make sense? So really, it's just a figurehead. But, so let's read the Webster's...

Chuck LaFLange (27:33.393)
Sure, you do, $20-word guy. Yeah, all right. I'm just kidding, buddy.

Chuck LaFLange (27:55.129)
Yes, it does.

RBK Kaleidoscope (28:01.77)
Okay. Fear is an intense emotion caused by the threat of danger, pain, or harm. It is a natural human emotion that helps us to survive and avoid danger. Fear can be caused by a variety of things, including real or perceived threats, physical or emotional pain, and the unknown. Okay, so threw that in there. Okay. So I think, so for me, does that work for you, that definition?

Chuck LaFLange (28:05.393)
Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (28:27.19)
Okay. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (28:34.977)
I think so, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (28:35.514)
I don't know if it's enough. Because I think that there's actually two different kinds of fear or subcategories, if you will. I think that there is a reptilian fear, a very central nervous system fear. And I think there's a cognitive or imaginative fear. And I think they're very different in their operating function and characteristics.

Chuck LaFLange (28:41.622)
Okay, explain.

RBK Kaleidoscope (29:04.506)
Um, so a somatic fear is like I'm falling off a cliff chased by a bear. That is a that's a fight-or-flight response. Yes, yeah, yeah. So there's that one, but then there's the there's the, you know, um, I don't think that guy likes me fear. Or I might get rejected if I say that fear or

Chuck LaFLange (29:18.742)
Yeah, yeah. That's your vagus nerve kicking in and tough, yes, right. Yeah, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (29:31.586)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (29:33.062)
Uh, you know, like anytime I get into mind reading, fear's usually around there somewhere. And if I'm trying to guess what other people are thinking, I'm probably coming from a place of low self-esteem, self-worth.

Chuck LaFLange (29:41.617)
Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (29:47.385)
psychosomatically though those would those would trigger a lot of the same responses just at varying degrees right yeah right

RBK Kaleidoscope (29:48.938)
Yes. Yeah, so if fear is a driver, the behavior loop is the same, even though the context to how that fear derived would be different. You know what I mean? But it is. So this is why it's subcategorized, because the response in a somatic fear is much different than a psychological fear. Because I'm going to either run. I'm going to fight.

Fight, flight, fight or flop. If it's like evolutionary fear, like I mean, my life's in danger in that way. But if you think about the way rejection works, to experience rejection is a psychological, but our response would be the same because it is based on our programming. If we are rejected, we're looking at the same thing as facing certain death by being kicked out of our tribe.

Chuck LaFLange (30:19.481)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (30:46.482)
And so, but it's the insecure fears that get me in trouble. You know what I mean? And that's where like, so this is, okay, so really interesting enough that, um, so if we look at what fear is, we spend some time with it, we understand what it is. Fear for me is a lack of information, which is kind of sums all this up. I don't think about somatic fear cause there's nothing I can do about it. If I'm going to get chased by a bear, it's going to kick in. And that's the way that goes. Like I can't prepare for that.

Chuck LaFLange (30:48.653)
Yeah, right. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (30:56.357)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (31:12.506)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (31:15.602)
I'm not prepared for bear chases lately but...

Chuck LaFLange (31:16.693)
Yeah, yeah. No, no. You can though, you can mitigate the somatic response with the breaths. We've talked about that before too, right? So we've just learned about this in therapies, in group here, right? We were just talking about the polyvagal theory and about how introducing oxygen into the lungs, right? Kind of triggers the rest of your organs too, right? So, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (31:21.118)
Yes, yeah, sure, with cognitive interruption.

Yeah.

But in its consciousness so.

RBK Kaleidoscope (31:33.866)
It's just, yeah, like I said, like how you mitigate limbic flooding, you just enter oxygen in the blood cells and it reduces cortisol. So yes, you definitely can. But I mean, for me, I mean, how often do I get chased by a bear? I'm more interested in the cognitive fears that are created by insecurity. And I'm not enough and shame and you know, like think about how much fears attach to shame. Think about that. It's just like littered. You know what I mean? And it's all this cognitive fear. It's all this like...

Chuck LaFLange (31:44.868)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (31:54.553)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (32:00.129)
Yeah. Oh, 100%. Right. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (32:03.71)
situation rooms and you know what if and no wonder if and you know stuff that just doesn't it doesn't uh fit so uh but so then what do i do with that fear like interesting for me in my own personal way of doing that is i get uh arrogant condescending i'm very better than aura and i have nothing to stand behind relative to those things you know like

Chuck LaFLange (32:30.393)
Yep.

RBK Kaleidoscope (32:32.882)
I am not better than anybody. You know, and that just goes to show because it's an invert, you know what I mean? So if I'm low self-esteem and I go through the paradigm, I shoot off into I'm better than you. You know what I mean? So really me feeling less than is why I try to appear better than and manipulate the mind reading.

Chuck LaFLange (32:54.905)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (32:58.398)
Which is hilarious because I'm reading someone's mind and adjusting my way of being to that reading of a mind which is completely fictional. It doesn't exist. And I'm the only one in the fucking world that knows what's going on. And most of the time, I don't even know that. Yeah, yeah. Except for now I do and I still do it, which makes me a fool. You know, but... So, yeah, well, you know, I'm human. Um, so then, and then, and then, and so yeah, like, I'll use Eagle, but...

Chuck LaFLange (33:02.041)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (33:10.425)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (33:15.859)
Yeah, it's just gonna say, right? Do ya, right? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Back to that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right, all right.

RBK Kaleidoscope (33:25.538)
The bottom line is that when I have fear and I'm coping with it, I can guarantee you that none of that is connectable. And there's no responses I have to that will be connectable, other than being vulnerable with my fear and expressing that I am inferior.

Chuck LaFLange (33:36.898)
Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (33:46.113)
Okay, now let's bring this around in the interest of time and all of that, let's bring this around, that's the theory behind it all, in a practical way. How do we apply this to the upcoming holidays, our mental health, you know what I mean? Like in a practical sense, what do we do, right? So, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (33:49.803)
Mm-hmm.

RBK Kaleidoscope (33:55.95)
Okay. Yeah, so I would probably do some more of these. And if I could, like if you're really serious about this, I would write it down. And I would get to know those emotions. How I experience them. And through the holidays or whatever it is, whatever the intense moments is, I would, sorry, I would look for those feelings. I'd be watching out.

Chuck LaFLange (34:08.837)
Mm-hmm.

RBK Kaleidoscope (34:24.342)
for when those feelings come up. And I'd be like, boom, oh shit, there's loneliness. Just like I was playing for. You know, I'm not overwhelmed by this because that's the problem is that when it shows up without us knowing or understanding or being ready for that, we are instantly overwhelmed.

Right, exactly. And then we start shutting off parts of our brain that we need to be rational and reasonable and we go into this behavior loop. You know what I mean? And so by knowing what it is, this is the beauty of emotional intelligence. When you learn what the emotions are, you're never overwhelmed. If fear is unknown, then this emotion doesn't do the unknown because you know what it's going to do. That makes it manageable.

Chuck LaFLange (34:49.961)
And our body's going to start acting in a way that's yeah, right? Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (34:57.701)
Mm-hmm.

Chuck LaFLange (35:14.618)
Yeah. Okay, so I'm headed to my parents for Christmas. I know that often I feel judged and kind of, you know, like I'm a disappointment, but I don't wanna repeat behaviors from the past that I have when I feel this way. So what am I gonna do on the drive over there, on the days leading up to whatever? How am I going to mitigate the shit from happening?

RBK Kaleidoscope (35:35.874)
So I can give you, here's what I'll do, I'll tell you, I'll start in the middle and wrap around. I would be having a conversation in that drive with myself, a dialogue. And I said, dialogue, whatever is the subject in my mind that's gonna entertain this conversation, hopefully it's gonna be the kindness voice I'd like to talk with.

Chuck LaFLange (35:47.333)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (36:01.682)
Okay, so I'm in the car, okay, I'm on my way there and I know this thing and I can feel there's anxiety, there's tension, you know, and so as soon as I feel anxiety, I know that I need oxygen in my blood, diaphragmatic breath, so I'm going to breathe deep. The question is who do I want to be? That is in the center of it all and that's going to be my values. Compassionate, kind, loving, understanding, respectful, honest.

Chuck LaFLange (36:02.641)
Okay, well let's do it, let's do it. I just gave you a very common scenario, so, right? Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (36:31.698)
Integral, family first, courageous. You know, and that was, I just listed off nine because I've been doing this a long time. It took me a long time to be able to list off three on the fly, you know what I mean? And so those are the things. So now judgment comes in from, you know, I can anticipate I'm gonna get judgment. So I'm ready for that because I know that

Chuck LaFLange (36:44.677)
Mm-hmm.

Chuck LaFLange (36:50.349)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (36:59.718)
I'm not gonna let that take any of this away. And so, let's look at judgment. What is it? Let's qualify it. Someone else's opinion about me. Do they deserve it? Have they earned it?

Chuck LaFLange (37:06.478)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (37:10.518)
Yeah, so maybe they have, but in the name of family, in the name of festive holidays, there's no place for it there. So my boundary would be, I understand you earn the right to judge me, and that's cool. I think it's a conversation we need to have after the holidays, and I'd be more than happy to have that. In the meantime though, this is about family right now. It's an important value of mine. I wonder if you could help me support that through this, and then we can absolutely talk about...

Chuck LaFLange (37:12.909)
Maybe so if they're your parents, right? Maybe, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. No. Yeah. Right.

RBK Kaleidoscope (37:37.462)
you know, what I've done for you to earn that judgment, which you absolutely have, and I'm not arguing that. You know what I mean? Like something simple like that. So now, boom, and I'm not. And so what did I do there? I was honest, I was respectful, I was integral, I was kind, I was understanding. You know, all of my values were in that conversation. And that's why I know, like, it didn't get in.

Chuck LaFLange (37:46.081)
Yep, yep, right. So you're validating while offsetting, so, yep.

Chuck LaFLange (38:00.693)
Absolutely, right. And I think it's important to say, you don't even have to have that conversation with the person, have it in your head with that person, is doing the same thing, right? Yes, yeah, right.

RBK Kaleidoscope (38:02.642)
No, no you can and you can have it with yourself Like the my first qualifying is like do you have the right to judge me have you earned that with in my life? And if you haven't that conversation is over Judge me all you want. I don't give a shit. That's you that's your problem. So it's like it might you know, my mentor used to always say to me, um Something comes up someone comes up to you and calls you an asshole who's got the problem

Chuck LaFLange (38:24.225)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (38:31.474)
You know, it ain't me. Right. So that puts me in a position to help. Like, I'm sure you feel that way. How can I help you? You know? Or, my favorite is like, yeah, totally. Or sometimes, sometimes I can really, you called it, nailed it, nailed it. I'm an asshole. Yeah, either. Oh yeah, totally. What just happened? You know? So, um, you know, like, um...

Chuck LaFLange (38:35.29)
Yeah, yeah. Obviously. Yeah, right. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah, right.

Chuck LaFLange (38:51.885)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (38:56.266)
And then, you know, and then the shame, like how shame is going to be there. And that's always the matzo ball. Uh, what does shame need to survive? Secrecy, silence and, and darkness, something like that. What is it? Secrecy, silence and judgment. Um, and so yeah. So like, it's like, I'm not going to be secretive about, about anything. I'm not going to be silent.

Chuck LaFLange (39:12.785)
sequence of silence.

Chuck LaFLange (39:16.857)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (39:24.03)
about what I'm going through or feeling or if you don't want to be bleeding heart, you know, make sure you have your support. That's what I should have said this whole time. Make sure you got a support somewhere that someone you can call if you haven't if you get overwhelmed. So when you can reach out to go back, I don't have a smoke. If you smoke, call your buddy. Say, oh, yeah, it's tough right now. I just need to I need to I just need to bounce something off here. I need to run some by a process. I'm whatever you want to put that in. And I would talk to tell them first, like, I'm going to go do this thing at home.

Chuck LaFLange (39:27.052)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (39:40.675)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (39:54.603)
Be with my family, it's usually a big trigger spot for me. Do you mind being available just for a couple hours at night? If it's me, I'm like absolutely dude. 100%. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (39:54.88)
Yep.

Chuck LaFLange (40:05.141)
Yeah, right, right. Of course, of course, right. Yeah, but with that said, yeah, Christmas Day, when it's, you know, keep your fucking phone on. I just might need it, right, so yeah, yeah. Yep.

RBK Kaleidoscope (40:11.082)
Yeah. But I mean, and then, you know, like, here's an, just before you get on to the next thing, there's another like interesting little tool is called bracketing and that means you just take the issue and you bracket it off to the side and it gets nothing until you come back to it. It gets no power, it gets no attention. Just like I'm going to put that off and put it in until I'm in a place that I can easily process that or I'm with my support or I'm, I'm prepared.

Chuck LaFLange (40:26.023)
Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (40:32.802)
Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (40:40.338)
You know, like the whole deal here is don't get overwhelmed. And we get overwhelmed. We, we, we keep from getting overwhelmed by creating an access of information to better understanding. That's how I don't get overwhelmed. I only get overwhelmed when I don't understand it.

Chuck LaFLange (40:43.897)
Yeah, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (40:47.757)
Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (40:55.173)
All right.

Chuck LaFLange (40:58.925)
I'm gonna give you another hypothetical situation, very real and relevant to a lot of our listeners. Mom has her son, she's invited him over for supper, for Christmas dinner, Christmas day, whatever. Son is suffering an addiction. She's anticipating, she's hoping for the best, anticipating the worst, which is probably a horrible thing to do. What can she do to prepare for that situation?

RBK Kaleidoscope (41:25.634)
So the sun is an active use.

Um, well right away it's boundaries like and, and open and honest and you know, like you can't forget even though reactions are quite chubb like there's that is an adult and I think there's a power in autonomy. I think that like, you know, something I know, I think I've said before, I've noticed that like there are people in our field even you can tell when they don't

Chuck LaFLange (41:31.557)
Yes.

Chuck LaFLange (41:37.549)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (41:59.114)
really get it because their voice goes higher when they talk to people that are disenfranchised. Like, oh how are you? Head tilt, you know, like that's not, don't, yeah that's what I mean, yeah like, like it's a huge, it's a huge being, it's an adult and you can have a conversation that they can handle and if they...

Chuck LaFLange (42:10.723)
Yep.

Chuck LaFLange (42:17.201)
We talked about that once before. I totally forgot about that and you're so right. Yeah, you're so right. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (42:25.058)
can't handle that, then you bracket it until they can and broken record it, because they don't give up. The bottom line is, there's power and autonomy, and there's a way to set that boundary to promote growth and flourishing for both parties. And I think that's consistent with every boundary that's ever set. There's a way to go about it that always creates growth.

Chuck LaFLange (42:25.884)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (42:46.014)
No, no, this is a conversation beforehand because you need to set the table with like, you know, if you're going to use it, please don't bring it here or whatever your house rules are. And our goal is to have a really nice family Christmas, something that feels maybe even a bit normal, you know, like whatever that means. And then so then when they get there, it's just a reminder, like, I'm glad we had that conversation.

Chuck LaFLange (42:46.46)
Okay, so that's what happens when the person gets there. But mom is losing her shit. Oh, okay, so I misunderstood. Yeah, okay, yeah, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (42:59.929)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (43:12.932)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (43:15.374)
I feel a lot better about things and just by saying that is a reminder of the conversation and reinforcing that conversation did happen. And then, and you know, like you don't have to say, well, I expect you to fall in order or you know that shit. It's just like, you know, there are, there are objective consequences to every action, you know, and it's like, last thing I want to do is kick my son out of my house on Christmas, you know, but

Chuck LaFLange (43:26.148)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (43:42.898)
It will not, the family will not, nobody will be held hostage by someone else's behaviors. Now, I think that that, and I think it's a very honest conversation that can happen. You know, I don't think there's a need to sugarcoat anything, and if there's a poor reaction, then that speaks to the state that they're in and whether or not they're fit to be at a Christmas dinner.

Chuck LaFLange (43:46.818)
I'm willing to.

Chuck LaFLange (43:53.421)
Yeah. OK.

Chuck LaFLange (43:59.289)
Fair enough, right? Fair enough. Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (44:07.049)
That might sound a bit harsh, but...

Chuck LaFLange (44:08.149)
Absolutely, right? Absolutely. Listen, oh, it's fair, though. It's fair, right? And I, I'm having a shift in myself where I've been pushing this, the You Are Loved, and I believe in that wholeheartedly, right? But I haven't balanced that enough with how important boundaries are when I speak to people and when I speak about the issue. So it's something for me that I'm trying really hard to do a better job of.

So it's not to alienate people that are enforcing boundaries, and I don't want them to feel bad for that. And it's something that, because as the show grows and as we get more people paying attention, specifically in social media, where I have these long thread arguments with people, not arguments, discussions, I would call them, to a lot of people in it, they're arguments to me, that's typically a discussion, but... So I'm trying to get better with that myself, right, and validating people's need for boundaries. And I've always thought it, but I've...

RBK Kaleidoscope (45:02.506)
Yeah, boundaries are love. Boundaries are love and boundaries are connectable. It's, it's, it's still always feel pretty when they're, you know, the other thing is like, it seems to me that people, whether they like boundaries or not, more than not respect them. Whether they like them or not.

Chuck LaFLange (45:04.153)
getting better at expressing that, right? So it's important that we have these conversations, right? You know, yeah. 100%, yeah, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (45:23.27)
Yeah, yes, right, right. From the time we're toddlers, right, like we need them, we thrive with boundaries, right? When we don't have them, we turn into assholes, to be frank, right, you know, so yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (45:27.806)
Mm-hmm.

RBK Kaleidoscope (45:31.57)
Yeah. And like, you know, I would look to not have boundaries or enable, essentially what we're saying, is to create a corrosive, toxic element in the relationship in both parties. By setting a boundary, it's the opposite. It creates a bondable union. Like I said, it's connectable. Enabling is not connectable. You're just driving the human being away farther and become a doormat. Oh, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (45:50.605)
Yeah, yes. Yeah, right. I agree 100 percent.

Chuck LaFLange (46:01.313)
Yes, yes, right. So hey, why don't we get into the mailbag, right? As we're, yeah, as we're there already. And my schedule here, I got commitments to myself and to what I'm doing here to me. So I do have a few questions right after. Oh, can I, we're gonna see if this works this time just because, does it work? Does it work?

RBK Kaleidoscope (46:02.034)
Oh yeah, wow. Yep, went on a rip there.

Chuck LaFLange (46:37.989)
Seriously? That was so lame. Well, that sucked. That really sucked. It's not gonna work. I'm trying to play the mailbag thing. It's not working. Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (46:43.97)
I don't even know what you're doing.

RBK Kaleidoscope (46:48.137)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (46:51.938)
Coming up lemons.

Chuck LaFLange (46:57.445)
Coming up lemons indeed. All right, so, okay. Anyway, I'll have to cut that in after the fact. Questions, questions, questions. We had a few this week and I picked out a few of the holiday related ones for us because I think it's important as we get into December here. Yes, Carlos in Miami, Florida. Hi Ryan, I'm Carlos from Miami. Hello, Carlos.

RBK Kaleidoscope (47:13.695)
Yeah. Okay.

RBK Kaleidoscope (47:22.114)
Sup Carlos.

Chuck LaFLange (47:27.685)
The holiday season is always a challenging time in terms of, or for me, in terms of maintaining sobriety with all the parties and family gatherings. Do you have any tips or strategies for navigating these social situations during the holidays without compromising my recovery journey? Right away, I like his verbiage that he said recovery journey. Speaks to somebody who's got an idea of what's what. So go ahead.

RBK Kaleidoscope (47:45.662)
Yeah, to be honest, like, it's kind of a, where you at thing. Like, I would say you're early on, family, friends, very firm boundaries, very clear and articulate in what is going to help you enjoy the time. It's a bit of a selfish time to be honest, but it needs to be. And yeah, like I, you know, you're a couple of months in.

Chuck LaFLange (47:56.633)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (48:14.714)
Yep.

RBK Kaleidoscope (48:14.958)
Stay away. If there's gonna be booze there, don't go. Or there's gonna be dope or whatever. Yeah. Now that doesn't speak to eating disorders and things like that. And so I think, you know, in speaking to more of a mental health aspect, I think again, preparation is key. Being disciplined, being consistent, and setting...

Chuck LaFLange (48:20.397)
Yeah. Right. Do it. Yeah. That's, that's pretty fresh to be, to be a tempting fate. Right. Yeah. You know. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (48:44.954)
somewhat of a day-to-day routine, I think is helpful. And then if it's like, and you know, like, and if you're years in, you're probably not asking this question, to be honest, because you kind of, you know, I would say this at the basis, but you kind of find your own way. And you stick to some tenants, but also like, I would say,

Chuck LaFLange (48:56.421)
Mm-hmm.

Chuck LaFLange (49:04.749)
Yes.

Chuck LaFLange (49:11.141)
Hmm, fair.

RBK Kaleidoscope (49:14.246)
maybe I shouldn't say this, but you know, like, we got, you got one life to live and we got to find ways to enjoy it. And so cutting ourselves off from the world isn't an answer either. And so like, you know, if it's me, I'm going to be doing my best to surround myself with people that have an understanding of what I'm going through. And I, you know, and I have that experience. You know, I was really young. It was like, my friends were like,

Chuck LaFLange (49:20.625)
say it comes to mind you can say it. Yeah, yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (49:32.426)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (49:42.01)
slap a beer out of someone's hand that came by me, you know, when it first started out. They were looking out for me, you know, like, and so like, and then, and then always, always make sure that your support network is well maintained and extremely open and up to date. And like, what I mean by maintained is, are you calling these people? Are you calling them only when you want something? You know, are you, are you calling in and

Chuck LaFLange (49:51.989)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (50:01.345)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (50:09.874)
Spilling your life's problems all the time without taking the time to listen to anything they have to say is the is the relationship there Is it a two-way really sure equitable relationship? And if it's not then start maintaining that it's okay to call someone and tell them you love them once in a while You know what I mean? Yeah, so I don't know if that helps

Chuck LaFLange (50:29.025)
Yeah, right, right. Yeah. You know what? You can't overuse the words you are loved. You just can't. No, no, no.

RBK Kaleidoscope (50:32.55)
No, you can't. And then I'd say, Carlos, like, let, allow yourself the space to figure it out, because it's not, it's not a, it's not a hard thing once you get past the psychological element. And like, you know, it's never gonna change with me. Who do you wanna be? It's a question you can ask yourself any moment of any day and shift your lens.

Chuck LaFLange (50:43.033)
Mm-hmm.

Chuck LaFLange (50:56.429)
Yep. Yeah, right, right. Okay, good answer. Thanks for that question, Carlos. Please, if you have any follow-ups with that, don't hesitate to write in. Sarah from Peterborough, Ontario. Hello, Ryan, this is Sarah from Peterborough. The holidays can be a period of high emotional stress, which I find particularly hard as someone in recovery. How do you suggest managing these emotional challenges, especially when dealing with family dynamics?

holiday expectations. I think you can briefly cover this one. Thank you very much for that one, Sarah. I think we just spent an entire episode talking about this very thing. So, yeah, right. Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (51:22.486)
Yeah, what I'll say is refer back to the last 45 minutes. But also what I would add is, I go back and listen to part of the language but Fuck the Noise episode. I would say like, when you talk about family dynamics and how much of it is yours, what is the goal?

I want to be peaceful and content throughout this experience. I want to keep my highs not too high and my lows not too low. And so like what's important here, my goal is to have a nice time with my family. Anything that comes in that doesn't help with that, doesn't get in. So if it's family drama, family dynamics, you don't have to engage. You can literally let people call you names in your face and not react.

Chuck LaFLange (52:14.245)
Well said.

RBK Kaleidoscope (52:18.222)
You know what I mean? Like, you always have a choice. Yes, exactly. And the lens we see it through. And I can take someone yelling at me, put the lens of beauty on and see them as a beautiful, scared individual. You know what I mean? It's if I don't if I choose to not another life hack, if you choose what you take personal, your life will drastically change. So, you know, you don't have to take it personal. Hey.

Chuck LaFLange (52:18.529)
No you don't.

Chuck LaFLange (52:22.293)
Yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the one thing we can absolutely control is how we react, right? That's, you know, it's up to you. It's up to you, right? So yeah, 100% to this.

Chuck LaFLange (52:36.589)
Yeah, 100%.

Chuck LaFLange (52:43.853)
Yes. And what do we take personally? What do we take personally? Things that end in...

RBK Kaleidoscope (52:46.878)
In the beginning, thank you and I love you. That's it.

RBK Kaleidoscope (52:52.03)
Yeah, quick brush over there.

Chuck LaFLange (52:53.417)
Yeah, yeah, right, right. So 100%. Yeah, well, and Sarah, I mean, we did just spend an entire episode answering that question. So I feel like we're not doing a disservice, but thank you for checking in and, you know. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, it's about the lens you put on, right. So, yeah. Mark in Denver, Colorado.

RBK Kaleidoscope (52:57.95)
Yeah. No, no, no. We actually dedicated the whole thing to your question, sir. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (53:17.497)
Hey Ryan, Mark from Denver here. I've noticed that during the holidays, many people don't understand the struggles of addiction and recovery. What are some ways that we can generally educate our friends and family about these issues to foster a more supportive environment during this session, season?

RBK Kaleidoscope (53:26.01)
Okay, okay. So right away, I'm going to say, don't educate anyone that doesn't ask to be educated. First and foremost, yeah, a soapbox doesn't help. I would say to that, this, I think you may be bringing it around, interested people are interesting people.

Chuck LaFLange (53:33.54)
Yep.

Chuck LaFLange (53:41.073)
Right? Especially at a family dinner, right? Like there's just, what's to win from that, right? You know, yeah. No, no, it really doesn't.

RBK Kaleidoscope (53:56.67)
I would say, stay curious about other people's experiences instead of, yeah, like, what's it like for you to have somebody who doesn't drink here? You know what I mean? Like, flip it. And that might open it up to an education conversation or maybe not. But I would say, be interested and you will be interesting.

Chuck LaFLange (53:58.885)
Mm-hmm.

Chuck LaFLange (54:06.033)
Sick to be.

seek to understand. Right. Yeah. Ha ha ha. Cough, cough.

Chuck LaFLange (54:22.069)
Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (54:26.401)
Especially if you're in recovery, especially early recovery, there's a lot to be interested in. Right? Because you're experiencing so much for the first time in years, or maybe like in my case, the first time as an adult, really. Right? Because I've been messed up for so long. Right? So there's a lot to be interested in. Focus on that.

RBK Kaleidoscope (54:26.614)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (54:32.758)
Yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (54:41.178)
I agree. I agree. There's a whole world out there. Like, you know, like, that's what I mean. I don't understand how anyone could ever be bored.

Chuck LaFLange (54:48.117)
Yeah, yeah, right. Oh man, I'll tell you what being here in Thailand, everything is a moment of awe. Right? Like I can't, when you're walking from here to the, just now when I was going to get a coffee, I was like, what's that noise? And oh look, there's a bird I haven't seen. Right? There's a frog on the stairway. And every time like you see something move, it's like a gecko or it's a snail or it's a, you know, like there's something happening all the time around me, right? And there's...

RBK Kaleidoscope (55:09.602)
Snail. You got snails catching your peripheral?

RBK Kaleidoscope (55:15.874)
Oh well. Well.

Chuck LaFLange (55:17.517)
They will know they really are they're huge like they're like the size of my fists, right? And like and they move I mean I time-lapse them in the film. So they move pretty quick there, but The other day I walked out to two sales doing there was two of them. They were on each other I don't know if it was war or love Maybe both. I don't know But I set up the camera on them for like 10 minutes and Actually for longer than that because I went for my swim and everything. So it's probably 20 minutes 25 minutes

RBK Kaleidoscope (55:30.802)
No, no, no.

Chuck LaFLange (55:43.225)
But I had the camera on these two squirrels, or snails, and then I time-lapsed it after the fact. It was actually kind of a neat thing to watch, right? But, you know, yeah, so. Yeah. Hey, who knew what I was in? Don't judge me, don't shame me for what I'm into, right? You know? Ha ha ha. Yeah, I can, barely, you're frozen, yeah.

RBK Kaleidoscope (55:44.078)
Very cool. Time-lapsed snail porn?

RBK Kaleidoscope (55:54.975)
I'm not.

Uh, can you see me right now?

RBK Kaleidoscope (56:02.184)
Yeah, I'm frozen on my end too.

Yeah, here let me try something.

Chuck LaFLange (56:08.089)
Mm-hmm. Interesting. Well, let's hope that should catch up. Oh, risky.

RBK Kaleidoscope (56:14.843)
Uhhh... No. I'm cooked.

No. It won't let me do the other one.

Chuck LaFLange (56:23.061)
Ah. Still frozen.

RBK Kaleidoscope (56:26.338)
kit. No. Yeah.

Chuck LaFLange (56:29.889)
not without stopping recording.

RBK Kaleidoscope (56:30.83)
So I guess it could be just, uh, what's going on in this end? Oh, I know. See, it does this every time. Okay.

Chuck LaFLange (56:37.825)
Here, you know what, buddy? I'm just going to stop recording real quick and then come back into it real fast, OK? When you say, when we say we're ready, OK? OK, and then I'll just introduce it with time for my favorite part of the show.

RBK Kaleidoscope (56:41.294)
Sure.